In this lesson you are going to learn how to talk to your teenager about smoking marijuana or pot.
In it, you will discover:
Why your teen will probably try it
How it effects the mind and body
The importance of focusing on your child’s state of being
Why there is not much difference between marijuana and alcohol
How to best approach the situation
A sample talk you can have with your teenager
The importance of not making it a big deal
Overview
Names: Marijuana, pot, weed, ganja, herb, green, 420, and too many to list.
Concern Level: 5
This is the most common “drug” and it’s actually not a drug. It’s a plant and the “bud” is the flower that grows out of the hemp weed. Technically our forefathers grew it in the US along with tobacco and it was a key component to the US economy until the lumber industry realized that hemp was far superior and easier to grow than trees. Thus it was decided to launch a smear campaign against marijuana to have it outlawed.
More then 50% of Americans have tried smoking pot at least once and it’s the most common drug of drugs that are now legal in ten states for medicinal purposes (and very close to being legalized nationally).
What It Does
Smoking pot can get you high for about forty-minutes. It makes you relax and slows everything down (similar to a depressant). THC, which is the active ingredient in marijuana and is what gets you high, is assimilated through the bloodstream once smoked. The effect is that you get high and feel “stoned”. In many ways it’s similar to drinking a glass of wine and feeling buzzed.
Why Your Kid Will Like To Do It
It’s a social drug in that people get together, hang out, talk, and smoke pot usually in combination with drinking alcohol (or not). Your teen will probably do it the first time because they want to fit in. Everyone else is doing it and they won’t want people to think that they don’t belong. The reason it’s important for you to talk to your kids before they do it is that if you’ve built a solid relationship and they’re not pissed at you, the first time they’re offered marijuana, they have a higher chance of turning it down. However, if they’re already mad at you and you’ve already judged them, then they think to themselves “might as well!”
The Truth About Marijuana
Smoking marijuana is fun. It makes you laugh and brings you in the moment of life. It heightens your senses so that listening to music or watching a movie becomes much more enjoyable.
The Downside Of Marijuana
1. Laziness – It makes people more lethargic and lazy. It should be noted that what it really does is bring up or “heighten” an existing characteristic a person already has. If your child is not lazy, you don’t need to worry about them becoming lazy while smoking pot because it’s not in them.
2. It’s an escape – Many people enjoy pot for the same reasons they enjoy alcohol, to escape their problems. Instead of facing issues they decide to smoke pot because life seems just fine on pot and problems are temporarily forgotten. That being said, people watch TV, eat sugary foods, play video games, and so on to escape their problems so the escape has less to do with pot and more to do with the type of individual.
3. Anxiety – If your teenager has insecurities or emotional issues, they may panic and become anxious because once again smoking marijuana enhances a person’s existing personality. Many people are nervous inside but can hide it well. When they’re smoking pot, it will come out.
4. “Munchies” – Your child will get really hungry and if they have issues with their weight it will add more issues because while high they can eat twice as much as they normally do.
5. Boredom – This is the ONLY reason I’d prefer kids not try pot too soon because many people do it when they’re bored. This is not healthy because when we’re “bored”, we need to spend our time using our imagination to do something creative such as learning something new or even reading a book. In my opinion, if there is any caution to using pot, doing it because you’re bored would be it.
Approaching the Situation
First and foremost your energy and thoughts must be calm and centered remembering your unconditional love for your child. I suggest that you be straightforward with your teenager and say something to the effect of:
“I know if you want to smoke pot you can and there is nothing I can do about it. I prefer that you hold off until a later age to try it if you’re going to. If you are going to try it now, here are some of the pros and cons of doing it (then discuss the points I mention above along with any other research you find once educating yourself on the subject). Also, if you’re going to try it please do it somewhere where you’re safe and don’t drive or do anything where you will harm someone else. If you do decide to smoke pot and get in trouble or cause damage, you will need to suffer those consequences. I love you no matter what and as mentioned, here is why I prefer you to not do it.”
Remember, the most important factor is not just what you say, but “how” you say it. If your child senses fear or anxiety from you, then they will pick up on this and it will rub them the wrong way. If you come from a neutral and fair state of being, they will sense “strength” and “power” from you and it will open the lines of communication. It will also make them want to take into consideration what you have to say.
I recently spoke to a 13-year-old boy about marijuana and he was so excited to talk about it. It was a “big deal” to him and he wanted to talk about the fact that it was legalized in California. I could sense that he really wanted to try it and that he thought it was “so cool”. As I responded to him I spoke in the same way I would speak to any adult about it. I didn’t react to the fact that he was interested in it and I gave him both sides of the pros and cons of marijuana. In the end, I just talked to him about what his choices could mean and that it really wasn’t a big deal. Afterwards, I could sense that his eagerness to try it dwindled. Not that he wouldn’t ever want to try it, but the “taboo” cool symbolism tied to smoking marijuana had dissipated and in some ways he lost interest.
Again, it’s what I mean about remaining neutral and exploring their curiosity from a fair and balanced place. When you do this, you remove that “taboo” cool factor from it and then it’s not a big deal to them. The more parents and “adults” make things a big deal, the more curiosity the child will have in wanting to try something.
In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is lying and what you can do about it.
In it you will discover:
The root cause of why do teenagers lie
How to create a healthy relationship so they won’t lie
The importance of facing your fears as a parent
What to do if you catch them lying
A sample talk you can have with your teenager
Take A Moment And…
be honest with yourself about the type of lying you do. Unless you are the magic 1 – 3% of people who never lie (good for you if that’s true!), then chances are, at the very least, you tell small white lies here or there. If you do lie or have lied, why did you? What were you afraid of that you couldn’t be honest with the other person?
Now ask yourself this: What do you want to teach your child about the importance of being honest? What kind of values do you want them to have? Do you want to have the type of relationship with them where they can tell you anything? Are you prepared not to parent them with fear? How can you keep them from resorting to lying?
Why do teenagers lie?
Nothing upsets a parent more then when their child lies to them. It damages the trust and it’s always in the back of their mind, “Is he or she lying to me?” This is the real reason parents can’t stand lying. They have to become detectives and decipher their child’s code, which gives parents more work to do. How can you lower the probability of having your child lie to you?
All kids lie because they fear retribution. In other words, they’re afraid to tell the truth because they think something bad will happen to them if they do. In the US we have a famous story about our first president George Washington who chopped down the cherry tree and when asked about it, told his father the truth. He’s always been held up as a role model because he had the character to tell the truth and face his fears. Unless you’ve taught your child to face their fears with integrity, then they’re going to lie. Here are the three main reasons kids lie:
They did something wrong.
They want to do something they know you don’t want them to do.
They want to create a distorted reality for themselves of who they are.
Lets take a closer look at some solutions for each one of these:
1. They Did Something Wrong
This is the most common reason teenagers lie. Of course they don’t want to get punished or lose privileges. If your child has done something “wrong”, it’s an opportunity for you to allow them to fall down and then spend the time to explore their choices and actions. If you just punish them and don’t use it as an opportunity to correct the behavior, then they will fear making mistakes in life and will always try to “cover their tracks”. Your child needs to feel that they’re not going to be put down every time they make a mistake. As outlined earlier, mistakes are inevitable for teenagers so they need to know that you have created a space for them where it’s ok. You then need to take the time to explore the situation so that they can improve upon it the next time.
Here is a sample talk you can have with them:
“I want to talk to you about why you lied to me. You did something wrong and even though I don’t like it, I want you to know that no matter what I still love you and that you do not need to lie to me. I don’t expect you to be perfect so it is ok if you make mistakes. You have to get used to the fact that just because I don’t want to see you making mistakes does not mean I don’t think you will. I want to have the type of relationship with you where it’s ok if you make mistakes because then we can take the time to learn from them together. So please come to me and be honest. I promise I won’t freak out. At the same time, you need to understand that you may need to suffer the consequences of your choices and actions.”
As a Neutral Parent, you need to hold up your end of the agreement and not freak out! You need to learn how to hold your ground, set boundaries, let them suffer the consequences and not overreact.
2. They Want To Do Something They Know You Don’t Want Them To Do
All teenagers will want to start doing things that you may not want them to. As long as it’s not illegal, you need to lay the foundation for your teenager that their behaviors in acting responsibly will determine their freedoms. However, you need to start letting go of being in control. Most parents seek control of their teenager (and kids feel this) so they feel they need to lie to you to get what they want. You may need to take an honest and open look at the fact that you’re too strict. Or, if they’re not acting responsibly, you need to look at the fact that you’re not helping to teach them to be more responsible. A teenager’s freedom and ability to push their boundaries is completely related to their ability to exude responsible behaviors. You need to set a strong foundation in the relationship so that as they become more responsible, they earn more freedoms (even the stuff that scares you). Once you create a healthy foundation with them, they won’t feel the need to lie to you when they want to do something.
I cannot emphasize enough that you need to start letting go of parenting them with fear. When kids feel you keeping them on a “fear leash”, they will lie to you and it will create conflict and distance in your relationship with them (rebellion).
Here is a sample talk you can have with them:
“I know there are things you may want to do that I may not approve of. What you need to understand is that the best way for you to gain more freedom and trust from me is by behaving more responsibly. When I see you act like an adult by picking up after yourself, doing your homework, communicating effectively, and following through with your responsibilities, you can gain more freedom and trust from me. This does not mean I’m going to let you do anything. But it does mean I will trust you more and you will earn your right to do more of the things you want to do. Please do not lie to me about these things otherwise I will trust you less and then it makes it much harder for me to let you do these types of things.”
It’s very important that you make it clear that if they want to do things an adult can do, that they need to behave like an adult. In these instances, I recommend that you sit down with them and create a list of things they want to do that you’re not sure about or feel comfortable with. Then create a system in which they can earn their right to do these things. Make it visual for them so they can see that:
“If you want to do X, then I want to see you behave in this way or accomplish these types of tasks. Your mature behaviors will decide on whether you can do these things”
Facing Your Fears
One of the main reasons parents have a hard time with allowing their kids to do things is because they are afraid of what can happen. Now, I am not saying that you should just allow your teen to do whatever they want. This is a tricky subject because there are so many variables and types of circumstances (i.e. what your kid wants to do). That being said, it is important that you as a parent be honest with yourself by asking this question: “What is the worst that can happen?” Most parents conjure up false realities in their mind because they are being driven by fear. When this happens, the parent behaves irrationally towards their teen and this is where a lot of conflict can start.
Because many parents came from strict upbringings, they think it is “normal” for them to be overbearing or controlling. This is a good opportunity for you to end this cycle of parenting and be fair with your teenager. Rather then using your upbringing or fear as a barometer, use your child’s behaviors as a way to determine if something is ok for them to do. Unless what they want to do is truly dangerous, you might need to loosen up your grip and be open to them doing some of these things so long as their responsible behaviors reflect their maturity and ability to do so. If they do not, then rather then just telling them “No”, you need to talk to them about how they can do them (once their behaviors mature).
3. They Want To Create A Distorted Reality For Themselves Of Who They Are
Sadly, many adults still do this type of lying and it starts at an early age. Whether teenagers are not secure with themselves, excited about life, or seeking attention, this type of lying is running rampant on our planet. It stems from self-worth and feeling good about themselves. If you find that your child is lying about weird or silly things that don’t even make sense (“Why are they lying about this?”), it’s because they’re trying to create a distorted reality because they don’t like the one they’re in.
If this is the case, you need to help them feel better about who they are. The best way to do this is to make sure they are doing things in life they REALLY enjoy. If your child is doing what they love in life, then they will feel good not only about themselves, but about life as well. This is all about positive reinforcement and showing your child that they can get the love and attention they seek from something positive. In many ways, this type of lying is the early stage of a “cry for help”.
Here is a sample talk you can have with them:
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been lying about small things about yourself and I wanted to let you know that you don’t need to do that. You’re such an amazing person and you don’t need to make things up to feel more important or special. I promise that you have a very special and unique gift to share with the world and that once you discover it you won’t need to tell lies to make yourself or your life more interesting. What I want you to do is write down the three most exciting things you love about life and then we will take some time to explore them together.”
Keep in mind when you talk with them they’re going to feel very vulnerable since they’ve been caught and are now “seen”. They may shut down and it might look like they’re not paying attention. They hear you! Your main focus needs to be on helping them explore themselves so they can find something they’re really interested in and dive into it. Once they do this, they will have something real to talk about instead of feeling like they need to make something up. This will require a great deal of work on your part.
Probability Factor
Whether it’s as simple as they lost something, going out with a friend, staying out later, ditched school, or other poor behaviors you disapprove of, your teenager will only lie to you because:
They fear retribution.
They want to test their boundaries with you.
If you want to minimize the chances of your child lying to you, you need to come up with a more constructive way of handling these situations with them. The only way you can do that is by understanding why they’ve done it and why they feel they need to keep it from you in the first place (they want to do something they know you disapprove of). Once you can isolate each situation and work it all the way through to find a balanced solution, then you can begin to resolve these challenges in a way that is more healthy.
“Will my kids never lie to me?”
Now, this doesn’t mean that even if you are the perfect therapist/coach/parent/guide that they will never lie to you. We all have our ego, which kicks in our defense mechanisms and puts us in reactive mode when something bad is going to happen. If you take the time to resolve what your teen is going through and do this without the use of retribution, it makes it less probable that they will lie to you down the road. Another way to look at is like this:
If you become a great parent does it mean you will never react to your teenager by yelling or barking orders? Of course not! You’re human too and depending on the situation and timing (at home when things are calm or at work with a million things on your plate?), the way you respond or react to your child will vary.
The same goes for them. Sometimes they wont lie and other times they will regardless of how much great parenting you have done. Why? They have egos and fear/survival mechanisms too. People lie all the time and it stems from fear of some form of retribution. These fears are part of our survival mechanism and because your teenager is just starting to learn about their ego and fear, they will likely lie at some point.
Parents Don’t Have Time
The real challenge here is the fact that parents don’t have the time that it takes to truly resolve challenges their kids are facing. Good parenting is about taking the time when each situation arises and working through it so that you work toward building a strong foundation for that type of situation. Grounding kids or taking away privileges is the quick and easy way out for parents to solve problems. Here is a perfect example of how the lying starts….
Step 1 – The teenager does something wrong or wants to do something the parent does not want to allow.
Step 2 – The parent reacts and freaks out or doesn’t allow them what they want.
Step 3 – The parent tries to resolve it to a certain extent but because they’re so stressed out and have little time for this they either:
Punish their child.
Take away some privileges.
Respond with a command of sorts that does not allow the child to be included in the decision making process.
Parents generally use one of these three solutions as the easy way out of “truly” resolving the issue at hand.
Step 4 – The next time something happens where the teenager feels like there is going to be some sort of retribution, they lie to cover it up so that they don’t have to suffer the retribution (or think that they do).
Then you click the “replay” button on this analogy and it just goes on autopilot until the situation hits rock bottom.
Building A Strong Foundation
Whatever “mistake” your child makes is not because they’re dumb, lazy, or weird. It’s because being responsible is a new experience for them. It’s during the teenage years that they are beginning to form their ability to be more responsible. This means that you need to make the time in some way shape or form to help them establish a pattern of becoming more responsible. Once you put the time in with them and they learn what they need to learn, it becomes an established pattern and you will see that they’ll do things better.
How long can that take?
Years, depending on how good you are at guiding and teaching them.
If you do not have the time or lack the skills to teach your child these skills, get some in person help. Otherwise you will be on a merry-go-round ride that never ends and keeps getting worse.
In this lesson you are going to learn how to deal with an upset teenager who has hurt feelings.
In it you will discover:
The importance of teaching your teen about their emotions
Why it’s so important your child learns to not take things personally
How to best approach the situation
A sample talk you can have with your teen
Take A Moment
Take a moment and think about how you deal with your own hurt feelings. Do you internalize them? Do you allow them to make you angry? Do you take things personally and let them weigh you down? Do you know how to let them go in the moment so that you’re not taking them with you for the rest of the day?
Now ask yourself this: How do you want your teenager to grow up and deal with hurt feelings? What would you like to teach them so that they can have a healthy approach in dealing with these types of situations? Write down your goal.
Overview
While some of this is covered in the lesson on Conflict and Communication (this is available in our private members area), I want to separate this particular issue because it causes so much pain in peoples lives especially when so many don’t know how to address it. When individuals create drama in their life or are faced with certain challenges, it always tends to boil down to hurt feelings. Because so many of us lack effective communication skills, we either react and vent our emotions on someone else and hurt their feelings; or we are insensitive and have “loose lips” and say things in ways that don’t take others feelings into account.
Conflict will always be a part of our life. You can’t avoid it. Unfortunately no matter how nice a person is or how they may keep to themselves, no one can control other people’s behaviors. What we can control is “how” we respond to them. There will be many times that you will have to address your teenagers hurt feelings and it’s important that they learn now how to deal with them so they don’t internalize it. When we “respond” to someone’s behaviors, we are in control. But when we “react”, we are not in control and this is where a vicious cycle of hurt feelings can start.
Taking Things Personally
One of the most important lessons you can teach your teenager is not to take things personally. The sooner they learn to separate what others do or say from having to do specifically with them, the better they will be able to deal with communication exchanges in a healthy manner. We have a tendency to take things on as if it’s “our fault”. If another person has some sort of issue (even if they direct it towards us) it’s not ours to take on even if they’re trying to tell us it is.
Most people don’t like to accept responsibility for their own choices and actions so they direct blame toward other people. Or, people lack good communication skills so they say things in a way that can hurt our feelings. When we take this on ourselves, it can develop into issues like insecurities and self-doubt. We will fear future engagements with people because we develop a deep rooted belief that every time we get involved with someone, if it turns sour, we will be blamed or told off.
What to Do
When your teenager is faced with this issue, it’s important to sit down with them and explain what is happening and why it’s happening. Paint a clear picture as to why the other person is venting on them and although they may have had a hand in it, everyone is responsible for their own choices and actions. You need to tell your child that they should not take it upon themselves and feel that they’re at fault. Yes, you should teach them how to use this experience as a way to honestly look at their part in the matter. However, they don’t need to internalize it and let it bring them down.
You can say something like:
“I know it sucks and doesn’t make you feel good when people act like this. You probably think it’s your fault but it’s not. While you do play a part in it, it is not entirely on you.The reason why this person is speaking to you in this way is because they lack proper communication skills and don’t know how to accept responsibility for their own choices and actions. They’re taking their frustration out on you. The best thing you can do is to let it go and don’t take it personally. Just know deep down you’re not to blame and that this person has their own issues that they need to deal with. If it affects you negatively go somewhere where you can be alone and shake it off or scream really loud so you do not take on their emotions. At the same time, you do need to be honest with yourself and use this as an opportunity to take a close look at your responsibility in it. Is there is something you may need to improve on with how you communicate or do things?”
By doing this you are encouraging them to not argue back with the person (adding fuel to the fire), while at the same time not internalizing the other person’s emotions or taking them on which causes their own painful issues. In being fair, you are also making sure that they are being honest with themselves about the role they may have played. This is also a good opportunity to teach them self-responsibility for their own choices and actions so that they’re not blaming others for their issues.
In this lesson you are going to learn how to deal with a teenager using hard drugs such as meth, heroin, crack, and PCP.
In it you will learn:
The different types of hard drugs
The two types of addictions to be aware of
What it means if your child is using them
How you can best approach the situation
A sample talk you can have with your teen
Why I am very sad if you need to read this lesson
Overview
Types: Crystal Meth, Crack Cocaine, Heroin, PCP
Concern Level: 10
I’m not going to spend too much time on explaining what these drugs are and what they do as these truly are “bad” drugs. I rarely judge anything but these particular drugs are literally bad. I consider these drugs the “devil drugs” as it brings out the absolute worst in any human being and takes them to hell.
More than anything, I’m SO sad when I hear of anyone doing this type of drug because their state of being must be at the lowest place imaginable. I really hope that no parent has to endure their child doing these and pray to God that no one is even actually reading this lesson.
What It Does
Basically, any of these drugs completely destroy the body physically, mentally, and spiritually. It does not matter which one it is, they all destroy the person who is taking them and it’s a very dark place to be for anyone who has chosen to do these drugs.
Why Your Kid Chose To Do These Drugs
If your teenager is doing any of these drugs, it means they’re in a really depressed place and are using the drug as a way for them to see and feel their depression. What most parents fail to realize is that it is not the drug that caused the problem. All the drug does is reflect or represent an emotion that was already there.
No person regardless of age or situation would “just” do meth, crack, PCP, or heroin for the sake of doing it. If your child is doing any of these drugs, they came to a point in their life where they were so miserable, angry, or unhappy that they just said, “Fuck it, I don’t care about life anymore” and decided to slowly kill themselves by doing these drugs.
By choosing to do the drugs rather then just killing themselves; they don’t actually want to die but it’s a huge cry for help. Please listen! Remember, do not focus on their behavior (taking drugs), focus on their state of being and “why” they are taking these drugs. The drug itself is a symbol for their inner state of being. If they are doing these types of drugs it is a reflection saying, “I have nothing to live for”.
What To Do
First you need to understand that you have lost your child and whom you are speaking to is not them. They’re not literally possessed but they’re not themselves either. You’ll be dealing with two major issues here:
1. Emotional and mental.
2. Physical addiction.
Emotional and Mental
If your child is doing any of these drugs, you need to act quickly and get to the root cause immediately. First you need to understand why your child has chosen to do these drugs from an emotional and mental perspective. What are they running from? What feelings are they not facing? What are they angry or sad about?
You need to sit them down without anger or judgment and remind them of how much you love them and that you will do everything in your power to get them off this drug.
This is one of the few circumstances where I recommend that you actually intervene and “control” the situation. Remove your child from whatever environment they’re in that’s supporting this behavior, put them in a positive one, and deal with the root cause of the issue.
Once again, I cannot emphasize enough how you must be loving and non-judgmental. Any anger expressed on your part will just add fuel to the fire. This means you will need to understand how to have a sense of urgency without panic or being reactive. I highly recommend (if you can afford it), having your child in a warm tropical type of environment as these drugs are very “dark:” and the sunlight and positive atmosphere will help.
Rehabilitating the emotional and mental aspects of doing these drugs can easily take one to two years so be brave, loving, calm and know that whoever your child is right now, it’s really not them. You may (or may not) have had a role in your child getting to this point and you will need to be honest with yourself about that. If you do feel you had a part, you will need to work on healing your relationship with your child because these types of drugs are literally a call for help.
Remember that no matter how much they hate you for intervening and they may say outlandish things, they are not themselves. You’re going to have to be brave for the both of you.
Physical Addiction
Hopefully you’re able to nip the issue in the bud before they have become physically addicted. If not, then you really have no choice but to put them in a clinic (find a positive one) because they will be going through withdrawals and they will need 24/7 supervision until they have passed this phase. It can easily take a few months just to address the physical addiction.
Remember, this all boils down to a “belief” and if your child is on these drugs it’s because they believe life is not worth living. You need to help them see that it is until it becomes their own belief.
If you’re living this right now, my deepest prayers go out to you. At the same time, there is a silver lining to this in that many people use other substances that are a lot “slower” in how they deteriorate. With hard drugs, it at least provides you an opportunity to address the issues immediately.
Either way, you will need good help. Find someone positive and not fear based. Many boot camps and clinics are absolute jokes and can actually make the situation a lot worse. As cheesy as this may sound, your child needs a lot of love. And my guess is that if you are experiencing this, so do you.
In this lesson you are going to learn why teenagers like to use MDMA, ecstacy, or “Molly”, and what you can do to keep them safe.
In it you will discover:
The truth about ecstasy
Why your teenager will like it
How it affects the mind and body
The positive and negative effects
How to talk to your teen if they are using it
Overview
Concern Level: 6
Ecstasy (MDMA or Molly) is a pill that was developed in the 60’s as a drug offered by therapists for married couples having marital issues. The therapist would have the couple take the pill during therapy sessions so it would open them up to have deeper and more meaningful conversations.
The Truth
Depending on your perspective, this might sound very controversial but in its purest form (not what you find on the streets) I think a lot of people would benefit if they were to take ecstasy at least once in their life. If used in the right way with good intention, it can really heal a lot of people by helping them get in touch with their emotions.
I have seen some of the most aggressive gangsters turn into little children within minutes (I kid you not). A lot of gangsters would come to my raves and I saw them change instantly. It REALLY does feel like you are in bliss, heaven, Utopia, etc. and ones ability to get in touch with their feelings and emotions is taken to a whole different level. In my opinion, this is a magic pill that can work miracles when done with good intentions and in the appropriate environment.
What It Does
Ecstasy makes you feel amazing (euphoric) by releasing a large amount of dopamine into the body (that we already have). Ever heard of runners high? It’s like that times a thousand. Your senses are heightened and you are transported into another realm where everything is magical but you’re still here (unlike LSD or mushrooms where you can literally go somewhere else). The effects usually last up to four hours.
The Downside
Because it makes a person feel so euphoric some can become addicted to it, not chemically like heroin, but mentally and emotionally because you want to remain in that space. However, if a person was to become addicted to it mentally, it really has nothing to do with the drug and more to do with the person. For a person to become addicted, they already have some major emotional issues in life that make them want to take the drug so that their problems “go away”. However this is no different then adults who take pharmaceutical drugs for their “pain”.
I have personally seen people become addicted to it and it’s not the same as a chemical/physical addiction. These people were already “sad” in life and then began using ecstasy to make them happy, instead of focusing on themselves internally.
Depression
Some people have been known to become depressed from taking Ecstasy because they wish life was always like what they felt when they were on it. Basically, the “down” is hard because you are so high and happy when you are on it.
The Upside
Ecstasy (when taken in the right environment) can have a very healing affect because it gets a person in touch with their emotions and who they really are. Many people have had life altering experiences on this drug that have given them profound perspectives about who they are, what they want to do with their lives, and their relationship with their friends and the world. Personally speaking I’ve seen more good then bad come from this drug and would prefer this drug to alcohol. I’ve seen some of the angriest and most hate filled people take Ecstasy and become the most kind and loving individual’s, literally overnight.
What You Need to Know
If your teenager is taking Ecstasy, here are some tips you can use to help keep them safe and responsible:
1. They don’t do it too often (no more then once a month max!)
2. Drink lots of water as your body can dehydrate quickly
3. Do not mix other drugs (except pot which actually helps settle the stomach)
4. Take 5-HTP before and after so it replenishes the body serotonin.
5. Be in a safe environment. More than likely your kid will be at someone’s house, a club, rave, or dance event so the main thing is that they drink lots of water and not leave until the effects have worn off. If your teenager is with friends at someone’s home, this is the best place for them to be.
Approaching the Situation
Likely, if your teenager is doing Ecstasy, they’re also going to clubs or raves. Once again I want to point out that if this is the case, don’t panic or react in a negative way because it will push your teenager away and close the door on your ability to help keep them safe. Again, I’m in no way condoning the use of it. Your teenager will be doing this if they want whether you like it or not and your best bet is to keep the lines of communication open. Here is what you can say to them regarding this:
“I know that if you want to take Ecstasy you can and there is nothing I can do about it. I prefer that you hold off until a later age to try it if you’re going to try it. But if you’re going to try it now, here are some of the pros and cons of doing it (then discussing the points I mention above along with any other research you find as you educate yourself as much as possible on the subject). Also, if you’re going to try it please do it somewhere where you’re safe and don’t drive or do anything where you might harm someone else. If you do take Ecstasy and get in trouble or cause damage, you will need to suffer those consequences. I love you no matter what and as mentioned, here is why I prefer you to not do it”.
Deaths
Almost all of the deaths parents think are caused by Ecstasy are not because of Ecstasy. It’s because their child:
1. Mixed the drug with other drugs and their heart could not take all the mixing (the heart is being told to go up with one drug and go down with another).
2. They became very dehydrated and didn’t drink enough water.
3. They took something that they thought was Ecstasy but it was not Ecstasy.
4. They took too much. This generally happens to petite girls who barely weigh 100 pounds and took one too many for their little body to handle.
This is why it’s so important that you have the ability to educate your teenager on the issue so that they know “how” to take it and be more responsible with it. Almost all the negative effects I saw with the use of this drug had to do with either:
A. Poor education and lack of ability on how to use the drug in a responsible manner (mixing, taking too much, not drinking enough water, in a bad environment, etc.)
B. Existing frame of mind (very depressed, lost, confused, low self-esteem, suicidal, etc…) prior to doing the drug so the person was already in a bad place and the drug acted as a catalyst to put them over the top.
I know you’re afraid to hear this because of all the misinformation you’ve been given by the media. Ecstasy is a great drug and really fun when taken in the right environment and dosage. If your teenager does it, they will likely want to do it again. If you’re really strict and can keep them away from it for a bit, it won’t last too long because they will be able do it on their own when they turn eighteen.
The downside to a strict parenting point of view is that when they do it, they’re not well educated on the subject and have the potential of suffering more damage. If you just accept the fact that it’s a potential choice your best bet is to educate them so they can be responsible about it.
Hear My Cry!
Dear parent,
As an ex-rave promoter I’ve seen countless stories about the issues of drugs and Ecstasy. From first hand experience I can tell you that 99% of all the deaths and other issues with drugs could have been avoided if the child had a good relationship with their parents. I’m not saying that no problems could arise but most of them could have been avoided.
Many kids are afraid to turn to their parents for fear of retribution. And because many parents are close-minded about drugs, they tend to have an all or nothing approach which leaves their child to have to figure these things out on their own should they decide to try them.
In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is using drugs and how to handle the situation to keep them safe.
In it you will learn:
How to speak openly with your teenager about drugs
The types of drugs and which ones to be concerned with
The six reasons why kids like taking drugs
Why most kids don’t listen to their parents about drugs
The most important factor to look for in your teenager
How parents can lower the desire for their kids to take drugs
Why it is important that parents educate themselves
Why some people become addicted to drugs
How every person on Earth is taking drugs but don’t realize it
How assuming the worst can push your teen away from you
The consequences parents will face if they don’t have the talk
A step-by-step action plan on how to talk to your teenager about drugs
Take A Moment
Think back to when you were a teenager. How did your parents broach this subject? Did they use fear? Did they avoid it? Were they open and fair about it? Were you satisfied with their approach or did it leave you feeling lost and confused? What do you want to teach your child about drugs and how will this empower them so that they are well equipped to handle this topic?
Overview
In this part of the lesson I’ve sectioned off drugs because I want to ensure that parents have a solid understanding of what’s going on and the very important differences between each type of drug. As an ex-rave promoter, I can safely say that I’m very well versed on this subject matter. If I didn’t try the drug myself, I was around it enough to know how it impacts people. But more importantly, I know why kids are doing them.
While no parent wants their teen to do any type of drug, it’s important that parents at least understand that there are severe differences between the many types of drugs your kid could be experimenting with. More importantly, each one requires a different approach because each one represents a different scenario as to “why” your teenager has chosen to try it or is already doing it.
When parents freak out about their teenager doing drugs, they tend to get concerned for the wrong reason. They start to blame the actual drug itself rather than what it actually means. What I mean by this is that if anyone decides they want to take a drug, the reason “why” should be the focus, not the actual drug.
Why Do Kids Take Drugs?
Here are the top six reasons that kids take drugs. I’ve also listed them in order from least concerning to most concerning.
They’re fun! – Like it or not mom and dad, some drugs are just fun.
Curiosity – Society has made such a big deal out of drugs that eventually some kids will just want to try them to see what all the fuss is about.
Peers – As our kids get older, they’re going to go through the party phase in one way or another. Drugs and alcohol are the main reason they get together at most parties.
Boredom – Kids who have nothing better to do start to tinker with all kinds of things, especially drugs.
Depression – If someone has some emotional issues that they’re not looking at, drugs are a great way to suppress these emotions so that they don’t have to deal with them.
Rebellion – When parents and society don’t accept kids as they are, a sure fire way to get back at them is to take lots of drugs and piss them off.
“My Kids Won’t Listen To Me”
Parents are always complaining that their kids won’t listen to them. And it’s because of “how” parents are approaching sensitive issues such as drugs. Teenagers are listening more to your tone of voice and body language than anything else. As soon as you approach them from a place of fear and anxiety, it will set them off and they’ll shut down regardless of the “words” you use.
Acceptance
You need to accept the fact that your child is going to come across drugs and that the best thing you can do is neutralize the situation so that you take the charge out of it. Remember, teenagers use drugs as a way to rebel (in some situations) because they know it will piss off their parents. By being open, fair, honest, and neutral about the subject matter, you take that “play card” away because you’re not making it a big deal.
The first thing you need to do is not panic, freak out, or react in any way toward your kid. All it will do is push them away and close the door on your opportunity to discuss the issue with them. Remember as a Neutral Parent you welcome these topics and with your calm and assertive energy, provide the space for you and your teenager to explore these things.
Second, the best thing you can do is educate yourself about the subject so that “if” they’re going to try drugs or are already doing it, you can talk to them about it from an educated and intelligent perspective. And just to be clear on education, I don’t mean the propaganda that our government and school system puts out. The people who’ve developed these pieces come from a fear-based mentality, have never done drugs themselves, and have an agenda. You want to read up on fair, balanced, and neutral (meaning no agenda) information on drugs. I do go into each one of them, but depending on your situation you may need to go into more depth.
Telling your kid that they’re grounded and forbidden to do anything will only ensure your disconnection from them and you’ll lose the ability to have any positive impact on their decision making process (remember the “probability factor”)
I want to repeat this last sentence because it summarizes the whole point of this subject:
Telling your kid that they’re grounded and forbidden to do anything will ONLY ensure your disconnection from them and you’ll lose the ability to have any positive impact on their decision making process.
By respecting the fact that they are their own person and can do these things with or without your consent, you allow yourself the opportunity to help keep them safe and remain a welcome person in their life.
Personally speaking, not only have I done drugs over the course of twenty years, but was also involved with the “rave” and club scene, which were filled with every drug imaginable. Once again I want to emphasize that I’m in no way condoning drugs or saying that you should allow your kids to do them. What I’m saying is that they can do them whether you like it or not and your best bet is to stay connected with them during this process so that you have a better chance of keeping them safe.
I cannot begin to tell you how many “mommy and daddy’s good lil boys and girls” I saw at my parties who were pissed off at their parents and doing everything imaginable to “show them”. On the flipside, I also saw a lot of levelheaded individuals who may have partaken every so often with drugs but never let it affect them negatively. And (believe it or not), I saw a good handful of kids who were 100% sober. In fact, my partner and I were sober for most of our events.
When I did partake, I enjoyed many of the drugs I did and have no regrets doing them. They included marijuana, LSD, ecstasy, mushrooms, and cocaine (I never got into any hard stuff like meth, heroin, or crack). As I mentioned, each type of drug represents a different “frame of mind” and your child is choosing them for different reasons. Some are just for having fun, others are mind expansive and others are escapes from deeper emotional issues. To understand the specifics of each drug and what it means for your child, I’ve written lessons for each one separately.
Remember, once your child hit the age 14, they can pretty much do whatever they want. Just because you say they can’t does not mean they can’t go behind your back and do it anyway. You need to come to terms with the fact that from this point on, they’re there own person making their own choices. The best you can do is lay down the foundation for a solid relationship and line of communication with them so that they will take your words into consideration. And the best way for you to do this is by remaining neutral and making it clear that…
“I do not condone or want you to do these things, but if you do please know that…”
Do you see that starting off the conversation this way makes it clear what your preference is and at the same time acknowledges the fact that you know they can make their own choices?
Late Night Calls
Every parent dreads the late night call when his or her child is out. However, I can say from experience that the most damage that befalls teenagers is when they feel like they can’t turn to their parents, especially in the middle of the night when there is a crisis. You need to set aside your fear and make sure you have a relationship with your teenager so that they can call you. Would you rather them call you before something really bad happens? Or would you rather pretend your child is a “good little boy or girl” and then get the call from the police? It’s your choice.
You can either wake up to the truth of what’s happening or continue to shelter yourself and then deal with the consequences. I hope you choose to accept the truth of what all kids will be faced with at some point in their life and not wake up to a dreadful call.
State Of Being
The most important factor when addressing drugs is your teenager’s state of being.
Just like sugar, it’s all about “how” your teenager approached the drug. If they’re using it to escape or suppress emotional issues, then it’s a problem. What most parents fail to realize is that 80% of teenagers who try drugs are just exploring and experimenting. While of course it can still cause some harm, that state of being is much safer than someone who is pissed off at their parents or frustrated at life (or even worse, just bored).
Adding Fuel To The Fire
When a teenager tries drugs or alcohol out of curiosity and parents react and go into anger mode, this can set their child off toward a downward spiral. A lot of the damage that is caused in this scenario is that guilt and shame is projected onto the teenager. Parents start to “see” their child as being bad. When the child sees this, their little voice says, “Well, they keep seeing me as bad so I might as well be bad”. I saw many first hand accounts of friends who were good kids, did a little experimenting, their parents freaked out, and they went down the wrong path because their parents didn’t provide them a neutral space to explore life without judgment.
Being Neutral
Most parents tend to do either the following when it comes to drugs:
Aggressive – Don’t you dare do it!
Passive – Fine, do whatever you want.
Neither approach works. Number one says that you’re not in control and have no power. Number two sends a signal to your child that you don’t care and have “given up”. Learning to be neutral about the subject matter is where your power really is.
It sends a signal to your child that:
You care and are open.
You prefer them not to do it.
If they do choose to do it, they have the information to make an informed choice and you’re there for them if they need you.
I promise that if you sincerely come from a neutral state of being, your child will see you in a completely different light and they will respect you which means they will take into account what you have to say.
Proactive vs. Reactive
If you have not already, I would highly recommend you take a proactive role in this subject matter and begin to establish the line of communication with your teenager about drugs. By doing so, you empower yourself and your teenager so that you don’t wait until something bad happens. Also, when you bring up the subject and do it from a neutral and open perspective, it actually removes the “taboo” feeling that makes many kids so curious about them.
Many kids like to take drugs as a form of rebellion. If you make it “not a big deal” and just an equal and valid choice, it actually removes the stigma from it and you have taken away the “charge”. And, just because you make it a valid choice does not mean you’re condoning it. You can clearly state to your child that you would prefer they not take drugs because of the health and psychological implications. However, what you also need to embrace is the fact that they may end up doing them anyway so you want to ensure that your teenager is as informed as possible so they can be prepared for any situation.
Get Educated
Your job as a parent is to educate yourself about drugs so that you can have an informed and intelligent conversation with your teenager about them. Kids can see right away that when you say, “Because I say so”, or, “Because they’re bad” that it’s just a cop out and a lame excuse. It does not (in their eyes) really help them make their own informed decision and it devalues your opinion when you just respond with fear. Having an intelligent conversation means that you have to explore the pros and cons without judgment.
Whether you like it or not, some drugs are fun just like drinking alcohol. If you have never tried them, how would you know that they are “bad”? Many parents just say, “drugs are bad” but they’ve never taken them. I’m not saying you need to go out and try some. However, being open-minded will get you very far with your kids. If your child is interested in drugs they value getting information from someone who can speak intelligently and fair about them. I speak with teenagers all the time about drugs and I can see their reactions are much different than what they are when schools and parents are telling them. I help them put it into perspective so they can understand the pros and cons. That is what they want; an unbiased and fair approach so they can make their own decisions.
When you respond to your child in a way that is not neutral and bias, it makes your argument null and void because they don’t see you as adding any real value to the conversation. How can they if you’re not even educated on the subject matter.
If you feel like you’re not well educated on the subject and need someone to speak to your child about this, please do feel free to contact me personally. I never tell kids it’s ok to do drugs. I just share the pros and cons with them “if” they do them. I also make it very clear that there are some serious risks: physically, mentally, spiritually, and legally.
Curiosity vs. Emotional
If you find out that your teenager is taking drugs, before you engage them about this, you first must be clear on whether they are just curious and “exploring” life or if they are upset with something and using it to cope with their emotions.
Curiosity
If your teenager is just curious, then you must remain open. This does not mean you condone it. It’s about you embracing the fact that they’re their own person and can (inevitably) do what they want with or without you. Many teenagers will experiment with drugs to some extent because they’re just testing boundaries and want to see what all the fuss is.
Some parents don’t even realize that they can actually help push kids into doing drugs because they:
Make such a big deal out of it.
Upset their teenager so they do it to rebel.
If your teenager is just curious, as a Neutral Parent stay calm and centered and just talk to them about it in the same way you would with cigarettes and alcohol: You don’t condone it but at the same time you know it’s there.
Emotional
If your teenager is doing drugs to suppress emotions, focus on the emotions and NOT the drugs. In fact, never bring up the drugs in the first place. You only need to be talking about the challenge they’re facing which is why they’re taking them. Many teens get in trouble with drugs because they’re having a hard time with life. You need to focus on THAT and not the drugs. The drug is just a symptom, not the root cause.
Addictions
One of the biggest fears for any parent is to hear that their child is now addicted to drugs. Addictions run rampant in our society and are not exclusive to teenagers. Addictions stem from the person’s state of being and “how” they approach the substance, not the actual substance itself. Addictive personalities tend to be individuals who don’t have a strong sense of self and don’t know how to balance things in their life.
If you don’t want your child to run the risk of becoming addicted to drugs, then you need to help them find balance in all aspects of their life. This will then easily translate over to the issue of drugs. More importantly, when people are filled with passion about life and are excited about what they’re doing, they won’t be bored and take drugs to fill their time. Most addictions stem from boredom.
Drugs Are Everywhere
The way I see it, drugs are everywhere. To me, a drug is anything we use to stimulate our “natural” selves. This includes sugar, caffeine, cigarettes, over the counter drugs, alcohol, and so on. The only difference between those and the other illicit drugs is that one is socially acceptable and the other is not.
Look at a teenager who is overweight and depressed: They sit in front of the TV all day eating cookies and chips. I grew up this way and know for a fact that it’s a drug. I was self-medicating myself with sugar, salt and TV to suppress my emotions because I was so depressed. For us to try and separate marijuana from sugar is absurd. I know many people who become very agitated and “not themselves” when they don’t get their coffee or sugar fix.
The Big Picture
Drugs have had such a ridiculous stigma in our society due to propaganda. Parents have fretted the subject since the fifties and to this day have still not figured out how to talk to their kids about them. It’s simple! Talk to them about it as if you are talking to them about anything else that is a challenging choice they will inevitably face. Be open, honest, and fair. You would be quite amazed at how much your kids will start listening to you if you are neutral and fair instead of having a fear based agenda.
Your Journey
As you embark on this stage in your relationship with your teenager, remember THE most important goal is to maintain your relationship so that they’re not pushed away and go to extremes to rebel against you. It’s very important that you remember that your teenager will have to face these choices at some point and by sheltering them does a disservice. Also, never assume the worst in your child. You would be quite surprised how many (not all) are actually not doing much of anything.
Assuming The Worst
Growing up, I had my group of five male friends and we would always get together to cause trouble. We would smoke pot, drink alcohol, and do other “stuff” most parents would freak out about. We had one friend in our group who would hang out with us but never smoked pot or drank. He loved surfing so he valued his lungs.
His parents always assumed the worst in him because he would hang out with us. He would always tell them not to worry and that he was fine. Yet they still did not believe him. Up until a certain point, our friend literally did not ever do any of the “bad” stuff we were doing. In every sense of the word, he was a “good boy”.
One day our friend ran away from home because he was tired of all the drama with his parents. He got fed up with the way they were speaking to him and that they never believed him. He never gave them any reason to be concerned other than that he was hanging out with us. When he finally got fed up, he decided to be the bad boy they made him out to be.
Fast forward fifteen years and my friend went from being a “good boy” who loved to surf to being a drug dealer incarcerated, all because his parents consistently assumed the worst of him. Of course, these were his choices and not his parent’s fault. But had they established a line of communication with him and trusted him, things could have been a lot different.
The Consequences
By not speaking to your child intelligently about drugs, you face a whole set of consequences that you may not even realize. As an ex-rave promoter, I used to have to deal with the drug issue on a daily basis. Some kids were dying, while others were getting very sick because of the lack of information.
In fact, there was a group in our community that I worked very closely with whose only purpose was to educate teenagers about drugs because their parents and society didn’t (And once again, telling kids “Drugs are bad” is not educating them). This was a non-profit group that did not condone drug use, but they understood that it was happening and that the best thing to do was to inform these kids so that if something happened, they at least knew what to do.
As your child’s guide, you need to empower them with intelligent information so that they can make informed decisions.
How To Talk To Your Teen About Drugs
1. Stay Neutral
Adding judgment or any negative reaction only adds fuel to the fire. It also gives the impression that you have an agenda and this makes them not want to listen to you. By creating a neutral space in which to explore this topic, you help to set up a healthy foundation where the lines of communication are open.
2. Educate Yourself
Become well informed on the subject so that you can actually speak intelligently about it. Regurgitating the propaganda the government tells us will not be helpful. Your teenager values honesty and truth not fear. If you don’t have the capability to speak intelligently about it, find someone who can. And just to be clear here, kids know that the information coming from schools and the government is BS.
3. Set Realistic Boundaries
It’s ok to tell your teenager to not bring drugs home and to let them know that you do not condone them. However, if you judge them it will create distance. Learn to set fair boundaries without pushing them away.
4. Find Out Why
Be “genuinely” curious and find out why your teenager wants to try them. See what’s in it for them. Is it just because they want to fit in or is there more to it? Also, the “why” is more important then the drug itself because it’s the “why” that creates the environment for it to happen, not the drug. Remember that the drug is just a symbol of a deeper emotional issue so focus on that.
5. Two types of drugs
In assessing your situation, remember there are recreational drugs and hard drugs. While no parent condones recreational drugs, it’s also important to know that you don’t need to be as concerned. However, if they’re taking hard drugs, this is a sign they are self-medicating and suppressing emotions. At this point you do need to be concerned while still remaining calm and centered.
Types Of Drugs
I go into each of these in more detail in the following lessons:
Of course no parent wants to see their kids doing drugs, even if it is purely for recreational use. So is there a way to ensure your kids will never try them? Besides being open, intelligent, and fair with your kids about drugs (so that you do not entice them by making them more curious), there is only one other solution I can think of that may keep them away from drugs:
Being passionate about something.
Most people in general (not just kids) do any type of drug (especially sugar) because they’re not doing something they love in life. Look at anyone who is completely enamored with life. Rarely do they ever have any drug issues. Personally speaking once I found my passion in life it literally changed me. I’ve also seen this on countless occasions with people of all ages in that once they find something they’re really in to, it consumes them. This “consumption” creates an environment where the choice of drugs has almost vanished. In other words, the probability factor goes way down.
How vs. What
I hope you’re seeing the trend. It’s the “how” not the “what”. In the following chapters I’ll go into each substance specifically so you can get a better sense of what each are and what they mean if your child is doing them.
Concern Level
In each substance outline you will notice the “concern level”. I have rated these on a scale from 1 – 10, with 10 being the most concerning. I think you might be surprised as to what you might be most concerned with.
Fun Lesson
Watch the TV show South Park season 6 episode 16. This is a great example (in a very playful way) of how parents distort the truth about drugs and the effects it has on our youth. It then shows a simple talk a parent can have with their child.
Cocaine is an interesting substance and was hard for me to categorize. It’s not your typical recreational drug and it’s not a “hard drug”. It lands right in the middle.
Cocaine is a highly concentrated drug taken from the coca leaf in South America. In its purest and natural state, the coca leaf actually has many healing purposes and the natives chew on it to give them energy. Of course here in the states cocaine is a toxic and cut version of the pure form.
Why Your Kid Will Like To Do It
Many people like cocaine because it gives them a lot of energy and makes them feel good about themselves – like they’re on top of the world. The high people get from cocaine is similar to the high that people get from making lots of money (which is why rich people and cocaine tend to go hand in hand) in that they feel powerful and feel like they can do anything.
What it does
When you snort cocaine, it passes through the lungs and goes into your blood stream raising your heartbeat and giving you the sense you’re “high”; a state of euphoria that last about ten to fifteen minutes.
Some Facts
Cocaine (once brought here to the US and cut up) is a terrible drug and wreaks havoc on the body by destroying the lungs, liver, and heart. Unfortunately what most people are getting from the street is so cut up with toxic chemicals (bleach and baby powder) that the real damage is coming from those substances, and not so much cocaine itself.
If done moderately by a person who has a strong self-esteem and sense of balance, it will not cause too much damage.
Cocaine can be addictive depending on the person although it is not as physically or chemically addictive as heroin or crack (it’s sister). If anything, it’s more mentally and emotionally addictive because a person who doesn’t feel good wants to keep doing it so they feel better about themselves and their life situation.
Signs To Look For
Sniffling and rubbing their nose. This is due to them snorting it.
White powder around their nose.
Sweating a lot. The body has to release this chemical instantly because it’s a poison so people will sweat.
Going to the bathroom a lot. A commonplace people do it.
Loss of appetite. Getting thinner then usual.
Approaching the Situation
First and foremost your energy and thoughts should be calm and centered remembering your unconditional love for your child. The most important thing is to find out if the drugs are being taken for recreational use or to suppress some emotional issues. If they’re just doing it for fun, while I am in no way condoning the usage, you do not need to be “as” concerned. Concerned yes but not as much as if they’re taking the drugs to suppress some emotions or because they don’t feel confident about themselves without it. I suggest that you be straightforward with your teenager and say something to the effect of:
“I know that if you want to do cocaine there is nothing much I can do about it. I prefer that you not do it as it absolutely wreaks havoc on the body and destroys the liver, lungs, and heart. If you’re doing it because you don’t feel good about yourself this drug is just a quick fix and will never really resolve your feelings about yourself. If you really want to feel better about yourself then we should talk about some ways of doing that without you needing cocaine. If you’re just doing it for fun, then please be safe, drink lots of water, and don’t get into a habit of doing it regularly because it can become a serious problem for you both mentally and physically. I love you with all my heart and please know my door is always open if you need to talk”.
If your teenager or young adult is doing this for fun, then your best bet is to educate yourself as much as possible about the drug so that “if” anything comes up you can be armed with information when they need you.
If they’re doing it because of some emotional issue, then focus on that (the emotions) and not the drug.
In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is depressed and what you can do as a parent to help them through it.
In it you will discover:
What emotions really are
Why sadness and heavy emotions is a good thing
How to not let your teenager’s depression escalate
A quick fix to depression
Why people become more depressed
A step-by-step process in helping them
Take A Moment
Before you start this lesson, think about the last time you were depressed. What did you do? Did you ignore those feelings? Did you turn on the TV? Open up a beer or bottle of wine? Eat chocolate? How do you face your sad feelings? Do you make a conscious effort to try and transform them? Or do you ignore or avoid them hoping they will go away?
The Signs Are Everywhere
Just turn on the TV and you will see another ad for a magic pill that helps cure depression. It’s unfortunate that our society feels it’s ok to not listen to the fact that we’re so unhappy. All emotions are signals that reflect our inner state of being. When someone becomes depressed, it is a signal from the inside saying:
“Hey, I am not happy here. Please take the time to figure out what’s going on. Then lets make a change!”
In many ways depression is our friend. It’s a warning sign that is telling us we’re going the wrong way. Suppressing and sweeping these emotions under the rug with pills so that we don’t have to face them is very dangerous. It’s like driving down a road and ignoring the “Bridge Is Out” sign up ahead. You may be able to drive a little longer but eventually you are going to go right off the cliff.
Emotions = Energy In Motion
Because so many parents are busy, it’s easier for them to ignore their child’s emotions. In fact, many of these parents do the same thing with their own emotions. Whether by taking a pill or just looking the other way, many of us have learned to take our emotions and push them down; way down. What most of us fail to realize is that emotions are real; just because you can’t physically see them doesn’t mean they’re not real. In fact, you can see them through actions like the Columbine High School Massacre, Aurora Colorado shooting, and countless other dramas that stem from people suppressing their emotions.
Do Not Wait Until It’s Too Late!
Many of the parents who contact me to help them with their teenagers depression do so once they have hit their “rock bottom” and are exuding poor behaviors. The truth is, the signs were there much earlier. Why are so many parents waiting until their child starts acting out-of-control or becomes withdrawn? As soon as you see the first sign, please address it immediately. Don’t just think in your mind “Oh, they’ll be fine”. Wrong. You need to help them get it out of their mind and body and transform it otherwise it will fester and grow into something much tougher later on where you will end up spending thousands on therapy and counseling.
Attention
Some people who go through extreme forms of depression are seeking attention. Even though they say they do not want it, deep down it is a cry for help and their “inner being” is begging for some love and support. When people “act out” in malicious ways, it is because nothing was done when early signs were there. So if your teenager is exuding some emotional issues, pay “attention”! Countless times I hear people talk about how the person who went off the deep end seemed “normal”. But in a world where most of us are dealing with some form of emotional challenge, then normal is still not healthy.
Embracing Our Emotions
If your teenager is exuding feelings of sadness or depression, you can help them by seeing this as a good thing. At first, it may sound crazy but what you’re really doing is letting them know that it’s ok if they’re sad, lost, confused, etc…and that it’s their responsibility for the rest of their life to use their emotions as an opportunity to change the direction of their lives. Your teenager needs to learn now how to embrace their feelings and make them their friend so that they can learn to pay more attention and use them to change something in their life. As a Neutral Parent, you need to teach them to embrace these options and use it as an opportunity to explore what they want. Almost all forms of sadness and depression stem from people not getting what they want from their lives. And it is when people do not know how to solve their own problems is why they become depressed. They feel “stuck” and it looks like there is no way out.
The Downward Spiral
By teaching him or her that it is ok to have these feelings, they won’t move toward a downward spiral. Usually people become more depressed because they judge their feelings. They think, “Oh, I’m wrong or bad for feeling this so something must be wrong with me.” This makes the situation they’re experiencing ten times worst. When we judge ourselves in this way it literally closes the door to ideas and opportunities that could help us get out of it. Just look at this statement:
“I feel lost and confused.”
A person feels “lost” because they judge where they’re at and it shuts the door on their ability to create a solution. However, if someone just feels sad without judging themselves, they can look at their feelings more objectively and come up with solutions that will help guide them to where they want to go. Society has evolved by us learning about who we are and what we want by first finding out what it is we don’t want. It’s important that your teenager not judge their experiences so that they can use them as a catalyst to get to where they actually want to go.
Exercise
One of the best ways to help transform depression is exercise. Especially cardio. So why does it work so well? Remember, any form of depression is energy being suppressed in the body. Exercise helps the energy get unstuck and come out. If you’re familiar with the concept of “runners high”, it means that the individual is running at such a pace that their endorphins kick in and they feel great. People who become depressed are usually stagnant. This means that the negative energy is just sitting there and not going anywhere. One of the best things you can do to help your teenager is get them involved with some form of exercise or sport where they need to move their body rigorously. It should be something more than just weight lifting and it’s best to have some form of cardio where their entire body is moving.
What To Do
Here is a step by step plan you can use to approach your teenager when they’re feeling depressed:
Step 1 – “What’s going on?”
As a Neutral Parent, you want to open the line of communication in a way that does not add negative energy to the current situation they are in. Do not ask them “What’s wrong?” You can say, “What’s going on?” or “What is bothering you?” Remember, words are powerful and if you phrase it as “What’s wrong?”, they will associate feeling down with being wrong.
Step 2 – Explore the Situation
After you have asked them to share their feelings, let them talk it out without interrupting them. You may need to do some pulling and prodding to get it out of them but you need to make sure they put it all out on the table so they can look at it. Most parents are so focused on solving the issue that they miss the fact that just giving their teenager the space to vent their emotions is part of the process of them feeling better. If you are a woman reading this, then you know that most times you just want someone to “listen” to you and this helps you feel better. So don’t try and hurry through this step. Give your child a neutral space to “spill their guts”. The process itself is very cathartic.
Step 3 – Neutralize the Situation
Once they share everything that is going on, you can respond to them with something to the effect of, “I can understand how that might trouble you”. Or, “That is quite frustrating, I can see why you are down about that”. It is VERY important that you acknowledge their feelings so that you do not devalue or invalidate them. Once everything is on the table, by acknowledging the situation and expressing how you can understand their feelings, it helps neutralize the situation and makes it more manageable.
Step 4 – What Do You Want?
Things get us down because we are not getting what we want from life. There’s something going on where we’re not moving in a direction we prefer. You can ask them, “What would you like to see happen?” Or, “What would you prefer instead of this?” Do not try and fix them. Let them come up with their own solutions. If they’re having a hard time, guide them by asking more questions about what it is they really want. But do not move forward until they specify very clearly what they prefer or want instead. If they cannot come up with an answer right away, then let them know that you will revisit the topic later on (be specific with the time) and come back to it once they choose what it is they truly want.
Step 5 – Explore Choices
Once they’re clear on what it is they really want, you can explore the choices they would need to make in order to get it. It helps to write it down so it becomes their action plan. You need to guide them through a process where you paint a picture as to what each choice could look like. And remember, as a Neutral Parent, you are not injecting your own fear, agenda, or bias.
Step 6 – Take Action
As their coach, you will help them take action towards creating what it is they really want (It’s best to create weekly goals by writing them down and scheduling a time each week to follow up and see how they are doing). They might feel stuck, confused, or nervous so it’s very important that you coach them to take one step at a time. Be ready to be their cheerleader by encouraging them and giving them the support they need (without coddling them). Support them with “strength” and not fear. The last thing you want to do is “baby” them.
Once your child begins to take action toward a new path (and this path solidifies), their depression will almost vanish. But please, whatever you do, do not teach your child to ignore or suppress their emotions because it’s like making a ticking time bomb that will eventually explode. Remember, emotions are “energy in motion” and at some point, that energy has to go somewhere.
Lead By Example
It would also help tremendously if your teenager saw you either:
A. Generally being positive and in a good mood.
B. Able to transform your own negative experiences and turn them into a positive outcome.
If you are a “Negative Nancy” or “Debbie Downer”, then it’s going to be challenging for you to teach your child to behave positively when you haven’t learned to transform your own negative experiences. Take an honest look at yourself and make the adjustments necessary for you to lead by example.
If you don’t have a healthy and constructive system in place, now is a good time to figure out how so that you can teach it to your teenager.
In this lesson you are going to learn how to talk your teen about dating and sex.
In it you will discover:
How to have an authentic dialogue with your teenager
The importance of having a different “talk” with your child
The impact porn is having on our youth and their perspective of sex
A step-by-step guide that outlines a sample talk you can have with your teen
Why it is important that you take an honest look at your relationship with sex
How to guide your child to create healthy and balanced relationships
An overview of sex and dating from a male and female perspective
Why parents need to address their own fears of talking about sex
& Much more
Take A Moment
Before you start this lesson I want you to take a moment and think about how you first discovered sex and how your parents (if they did) spoke to you about dating and sex. Did they have the “talk” with you? Did you feel awkward or uncomfortable? Is there anything you wish they had told you? What could your parents have done differently to make things go smoother?
Overview
With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, this clearly shows that we’re not doing a good job of teaching children how to approach dating and relationships. For most of history, dating and sex has always been a bit taboo. Looking back in time you will see a lot of “arranged” marriages so of course there is no dating there. Up until the 60’s, most of society subscribed to the idea that we should only have sex once we’re married.
When it comes to relationships, humans are still babies at the whole idea. For the most part it has been used as a mechanism for survival. In many cultures and religions, sex and relationships are used as a form of control. There is so much shame and stigma around the whole idea and it’s fairly recently that we’re (Western society) taking a closer look at what a relationship really is and how to go about creating a healthy one.
Once the sexual revolution kicked in then the lines started to blur. People began to have sex a lot more and dating started to become more commonplace. However, to this day dating and relationships is one of the biggest challenges we face. We just don’t know how to do it. Search the web and you will see millions of pages and experts saying that they know the way to “find a man” or “get laid”. So what the hell is going on out there?
My Take
Before I go into sharing how you can broach the subject of dating and sex with your teenager, I think its important I lay the foundation of my philosophy on what dating is; how to create a strong relationship, and how sex ties into it.
As the Neutral Parenting Formula focuses on the “how”, this is especially important when dealing with dating and sex. Everyone’s wants and needs are different depending on the stage of life they’re in. Generally speaking, women and men go through their sexual peak at different ages:
Boys from 14 – 28
Woman from 30 – 42
The reason why it’s important to acknowledge this is because boys do not think straight when they are consumed with sexual energy and they don’t know how to handle it in a positive manner. Boys are nuts at their sexual peak and therefore don’t treat a woman the way she should be because all they can think about is sex. Girls do not become fully sexual until they’re older so there is often disconnect between teenage boys and girls regarding sex.
Most parents tend to shy away from the subject for the following reasons:
If you have a daughter, then you know that all boys’ care about is sex. And since your girls are the ones who can come home with hurt feelings or pregnant, it’s scary for most parents. It’s still scary if you have a boy but most parents don’t freak out as much over the boy (for the above stated reason).
I also want to put it out there that I feel society has relationships and sex completely backwards. Sex and relationships are a sacred experience between two beings where it’s the ultimate bond and the two people involved literally become one person. It is the unification between two kindred souls where they begin to share in each other’s energy. I’m not going to get into a spiritual or philosophical soapbox on this because that would be an entirely different course. However, I do want to state this because it sets the tone for the rest of this segment.
The Impact of Porn
Unfortunately, most teenagers are learning about sex via porn. They can get on the web and find anything they want. It does not matter that you block out certain sites, they can still access it and they will. Just accept this fact. Now, the reason why I bring this up is because if you don’t start to open some lines of communication about relationships and sex, their entire point of reference is going to be based on porn. Since most porn is very extreme and hardcore, it’s going to completely destroy the sacredness of what sex and relationships is really about. When teenagers watch porn (especially boys), it distorts how they perceive the opposite sex. Most porn is about men dominating woman and treating them like a piece of meat and sadly, this is how our young men go out into the world and perceive the opposite sex.
What A Relationship Really Is
At a very fundamental and core basis, all relationships are the same thing: a mirror. Just like your teenager reflects who you are and is a school of sorts, so does your lover or significant other. It’s just the dynamics that are different. The way things unfold and how you go about learning communication, conflict resolution, the ego, feelings, strength and courage all unfold differently. However, the concept is the same in that you enter into a relationship with someone where they reflect back to you who you are so that you can see yourself more clearly.
In my opinion, when anyone enters into a relationship with the opposite sex, what they’re really doing is entering a union with another soul that will be a reflection of them so that they can learn more about themselves. When you find a great “partner” they also act as a cheerleader, mentor, friend and support group helping you learn more about yourself. That is what a healthy relationship is.
An unhealthy relationship is when the other person “needs you” and is using the relationship to compensate for some shortcoming in their life. Many people enter into toxic relationships because they themselves are toxic (mentally and spiritually) and of course the other person reflects this back to them. The “reflection” component stays the same. It’s just a matter of where you’re at in your life. Two people can come together and celebrate each other, or they can use each other to deal with toxic issues.
Fear
Because most parents have seen the toxic elements of relationships and have lived it themselves, they:
1. Do not know how to teach their teenager how to create a healthy relationship.
2. Fear that their teenager will create the same outcome.
And of course, all parents dread the pregnancy and STD factor as well. Passing your fear onto your teen is not going to help the situation. If you want to end the cycle of poor parenting and help your child succeed in creating healthy relationships, you need to get honest with yourself and take a close look at how you’ve been creating your relationships:
Have you been using another person to fulfill your own shortcomings?
Do you feel like you “need” someone to complete you?
Do you subconsciously enjoy arguments and conflict?
Do you feel sad or lost if you are alone?
Do you have a hard time resolving conflict in a healthy way?
Do you use a relationship to establish value for yourself as a person?
Do you use a relationship to distract yourself from doing things that would make you a better person?
These are just some of the ways people create unhealthy relationships. Many individuals enter into them with some shortcoming in themselves and then begin a toxic cycle that eventually ends in divorce and many hurt feelings.
On the other hand, a positive relationship is when two healthy individuals come together and compliment each other. The key point here is that each individual must be complete on his or her own. They both need to be at a good place with their own life so that when they get together, it adds more to what already is.
However, most people use another person to try and make up for some shortcoming in their own life. They feel lonely, lost, and have some sort of issue and enter into a relationship hoping that they can avoid facing those issues. In many instances, one person will actually try and use the other person to make up for something they did not get from their mother or father. This is why so many submissive and insecure women tend to date dominant men.
When this happens, everything goes downhill and the bickering starts. Sure, the honeymoon might last for a short while, but eventually IT all comes out. Then the blame game, fighting, arguing and so on. Unfortunately, many people have had kids at this point, and the single parenting and the vicious cycle society is in where children learn their ways from their parents begins.
Do you see how important this topic is? Teenagers are learning about relationships from their parents. Many kids are so used to most parents being single that it’s the norm. Hardly anyone takes getting into a relationship seriously. Even worse, for most men it is about getting laid and “being a man”. And for women, they use the “man I got” as some sort of symbol that they are loved and desired. It’s sad that individuals view a relationship as something they need to do and “check off their to do list”; that they’re not complete or valued unless they have a significant other.
People are so afraid of being alone that they will focus all of their energy and time in finding someone else to help them cope with the fact that they feel lonely and are not secure with who they are.
Until men realize that they’re not a man because of how many woman they have been with, and a woman can truly love herself without having to have a man, the relationship drama society accepts will be here for some time.
If we’re not well equipped to teach our teenagers, how will we evolve from this point?
The “Talk”
Are you struggling with having the “talk” with your teenager about dating and sex? Why? Is it because you’re not informed enough on the subject to hold an intelligent conversation with them? Do you feel awkward or embarrassed? Either way, what kind of message do you think it sends to your teenager if you can’t talk to them about this? As a teen life coach, I’m amazed at how many parents want to hand off sex and dating talks to someone else because they don’t want to deal with it.
For many of you, talking to your kids about such subjects is awkward, especially if you have issues that you’re still facing. However, the alternative of ignoring it or letting the schools do it for you is a lot worse. The truth is, for you to be able to have a healthy conversation with your teenager about this means that you have to have a healthy relationship and perspective about sex and relationships. If you have your own issues that need to be faced, now is a good time to do it so that you don’t pass these issues onto your kids.
In having the “talk” with your teenager about sex and dating, it’s likely going to bring up many of your own traumatic experiences. Very few people have had 100% healthy experiences when it comes to sex and relationships. Because of this, it has caused a lot suffering in the world and makes it a dreadful experience for parents to have to talk about. And of course it should given that we have few positive experiences to draw upon when speaking with our children.
What’s your relationship with sex and dating?
How do you view sex? Is it pleasurable for you? Or is it something that you try to not think about because you have not had an enjoyable experience?
What did your parents teach you about sex? Did they make you feel awkward and confused?
How do you perceive the opposite sex? Do you have any anger or resentment towards them? Do you feel manipulated, used, or misled?
Do you have any fears or doubts about sex or relationships? Do you stay away from them because of this?
If you’re married, do you have a healthy relationship with your spouse? Is the relationship still thriving? Are you able to communicate effectively and express your love in front of your children?
Does sex bring up some hidden emotions that you haven’t looked at?
Do you feel inadequate?
Are you insecure or timid about sex? Do you try and overcompensate to “pretend” you are much stronger then you really are?
How do you want your son or daughter to view sex? Do you want them to have to experience the same challenges you have?
By looking at these questions, it’s easy to see why parents are really scared of talking with their children about sex. Sure it may be awkward and uncomfortable. But what really stings most parents is that they have to look back at their own relationship with sex and dating. They must revisit some painful experiences that they’ve gone through that they would rather sweep under the rug and ignore.
Do you see how this is your school and your teenager is reflecting you to yourself? By having to teach this to your child, you have to take a closer look at your relationship with sex and dating.
If you’re insecure or feel weird talking about sex to your teen then this is your opportunity to truly mature because if you don’t talk to them honestly about sex, who will? Most times that you see teenagers who have issues with sex, nine out of ten times it’s due to the fact that they didn’t have a relationship with their parents where they could talk about these things.
You need to talk to your teen, but if you have issues with sex or a lack of knowledge, now is the time to face the issues and educate yourself so that you can properly educate your child about the world of sex and relationships. Remember, when I talk about sex here, it’s not just about two bodies coming together resulting in penetration. I’m also talking about how your child will perceive the opposite sex and how they will treat them.
The two biggest issues I believe you need to address when dealing with sex is:
1. Perception – How your child will perceive physical sex as well as the opposite sex will play a vital role in how their life unfolds. If parents have a closed mind about sex, their kids will have no choice but to learn about it via porn, movies, TV and their favorite media icons. Now that is scary!
2. Safety – STD’s and pregnancy. If parents have a closed mind when it comes to sex, they actually raise the chances of their teen having issues such as an STD or pregnancy because they wont be informed about what to do.
1. Perception of Sex
It’s so sad that right now boys only want girls for “fucking”. I remember growing up all we (guys) would talk about is fucking girls. It had nothing to do with creating a relationship with them or treating them with respect. It was just about using them as a piece of meat so we could be sexually gratified. Even worse, boys use girls as trophies to be conquered. They value themselves by how many girls they have slept with. If you’re a dad then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t you think it’s time we teach our boys a healthier way to view woman? If you’re a mom, aren’t you tired of men seeing woman in this way and don’t you think this is a great opportunity to teach your boy about how to treat women?
Woman’s Power
Because there has been an ongoing power struggle between men and woman, girls have had to use the “sex” card to get what they want in life. Whether it’s feeling loved, validated, appreciated or moving ahead in the world, sadly, many girls are using their sexual lure to get what they want.
The damage this causes is that they begin to rely on this as their only source of value. Look at all the women who spend so much time on their make-up, hair, clothes, and the way they look. It’s because women feel disempowered so they overcompensate by using their looks. And sadly, because women get so much attention from men, they begin to view this as a way of feeling good about themselves.
If you’re a woman, you know that as soon as you hit a certain age and guys look at you less; deep down your sense of self-worth starts to diminish. Think about that for a moment. You placed all your value of yourself on whether or not some stranger, who you didn’t even care about, looked at you.
Guys are retarded ok? They think with their penis. That’s nothing new. The challenge is that women have fallen for these ploys and have created an environment where they view sex as a way to feel loved and wanted. Rather than spending their time being an interesting person, many females spend it on how they look. But when the clock runs out, what then?
Do you see how talking with your children about sex at an early age is so crucial? It’s how they set up values and perceive themselves in the world. It’s not just about the physical act. From a male perspective we need to learn how to respect woman and stop trying to dominate them. From a female perspective, women need to learn how to create value for themselves and not just rely on their physical attributes.
Making It A Big Deal
I know that sex is a strange and taboo subject, but everyone is doing it and on the one hand it’s really not a big deal (and I am not saying this to devalue or take away from the fact of how special it really is). When parents make it a big deal and hide it from their children, it causes problems because you’re not giving them your perspective. Why are most parents so concerned when they see their kids having major issues around sex?
No matter what you wish, your baby boy or girl is not going to stay a baby and has likely began touching himself/herself between the ages of eight and twelve. Your best bet is to have an established line of communication with them so that you can have a positive impact on how they perceive sexuality and the opposite sex. If you’re shy, insecure, or have any issues in speaking about sex with them, now is your opportunity to mature and evolve.
2. Safety (STD’s & Pregnancy)
Of course the biggest fear for most parents are the health and safety implications of sex. Whether it’s an STD or pregnancy, no parent wants to have to face this. This is why its important that:
1. You don’t make a bid deal out of sex. The reason it’s important is that you remove the taboo flavor that is wrapped around sex and this diffuses the curiosity factor that most kids have about it. In fact, very few kids actually like sex the first time. They just think they want to do it because it’s so taboo. Once you (and society) remove the taboo definition associated with sex, you will see teen pregnancy and other issues drop.
Don’t believe me?
One of the main porn producers from Wicked Video told 20/20 (a news show on ABC) that their sales have dropped because porn was becoming more widely accepted. When porn was still taboo, it was at its peak, and business was booming. Now it’s everywhere and sex is becoming mainstream (even ABC which is owned by Disney is showing a lot more skin), so the obsession with sex is diminishing.
If you really want to set the stage so that your child waits until they are older to engage in sex, start talking about it sooner than later. Make it a “normal” topic so that they don’t obsess over it. All obsessions start when the mind thinks it can’t have something; it wants it more. In fact, just look at most sales pitches or dating strategies:
In sales, companies create the perception that their product or service is exclusive or hard to get. They do this because they know the mind will want it more.
In dating, mainly the female will play “hard to get” because they want the guy to want them more. If you don’t want your kid to obsess over having sex, then make it a normal topic around the house and start talking openly about it so they don’t obsess over it.
Having “The Talk”
In preparing to talk with your teenager about dating and sex, keep in mind that this conversation is ongoing and not just a one-day workshop. It’s better to learn on the go in a relevant format (something that they’re currently dealing with) and take it in phases. As your teenager gets older, they will be faced with different issues and challenges. Prepare yourself for the fact that you’re going to need to have a first talk to set the stage. The first talk should be left open-ended so that the talk can continue based on the challenges your teen is facing in any given moment. In a healthy relationship between parent and child, this conversation never ends since relationships play such a vital role in our human drama.
Your Mannerisms
The most important aspect of your talk is your tone and body language. You want to project an open and confident energy so that they don’t feel weird and associate sex and dating as something “uncomfortable”. Most parents approach it from a fear-based manner and this is where a lot of the problems stem from. Your teenager is going to pick up on this more then anything else. And if they seem closed or shut down as if they don’t want to hear it, trust me, they hear it.
Boys vs. Girls
Because I feel there are different dynamics taking place in a relationship from a male and female point of view, I will separate the two. This way, depending on the sex of your teenager, you will be given a more relevant perspective. That being said, I still recommend that you read all the material here because many points are still valid regardless of your teens’ gender.
Before I go into the different points, there are some important factors that relate to both sexes:
How To Be Alone
Many of us have a hard time being alone. However, it’s important that your child learn at an early age how to be alone with themselves and not to “need” someone else to feel good about themselves. We tend to associate our value by the person we are dating and therefore believe that we must feel lonely if we’re “alone” and this is not true. Being alone is very important because it allows us the space to learn more about ourselves and explore life more fully. So teach your child the power of being alone and how to make the most of it.
Effective Communication
Relationships are the fastest way to start learning how to effectively communicate. This is a great time to teach your child how important it is that they learn how to be in touch with their feelings and emotions so that they can communicate them to the other person. It’s important to teach your child how to really listen to what the other person is saying while holding on to his or her own position.
In relationships, many of us get so caught up in our own feelings and thoughts that we don’t create the space to hear what the other person is saying, and this is where a lot of conflict begins. By teaching your child at an early age how to listen and acknowledge the person they’re with, it will lay a foundation so that they can minimize the impact and confusion that conflict creates.
Sexting & Instant Messaging
Sexting is when a boy and girl text each other by using either provocative words or pictures and it’s the new way of flirting. However, it’s much more risqué than in person flirting. Why? People are insecure and shy in person because they fear rejection but with sexting they can hide behind their computer and cell phone and say what’s on their mind without the fear of in person rejection.
I find that sexting and sexual instant messaging is VERY telling for how people really think and feel. Many people freak out by what they’re seeing teenagers and young adults do on their phone or online but these thoughts were always there. It’s just that now they feel safe to reveal them because they can hide behind the technology device.
The first thing you can do is to help your teenager become more confident in speaking with people in person. This is tied to people’s fear of public speaking. So many of us are afraid of rejection that we will keep ourselves out of harms way by hiding behind our devices. The first thing to understand is what is really happening.
Now, as for dealing with the surface level issues of sexting and sexual instant messaging, the best you can do is help put this into perspective for your teenager so they don’t obsess over it too much. No matter what you say or do, they’re going to obsess over it to some extent because it is very exciting for them. Not only hormonally, but psychologically as well because they feel validated when they receive these types of messages.
From a boy’s perspective, this is getting him very excited sexually.
From a girls perspective, she is feeling more validated as a person because she is getting attention.
If you’re dealing with a boy, then you need to help him channel his sexual energy in a more constructive way so that it does not run his life. If you are dealing with a girl, you need to help her find other ways to feel validated so that she does not need this type of attention. All other approaches such as grounding them, taking their phone away and trying to “shut them down” will make things worse because they will obsess over it and want it more as soon as you say they can’t have it. So be neutral in your approach and try to divert their attention onto something more constructive.
Facing Insecurities & Rejection
There is no better opportunity than the dating and sex game for learning about individual issues. It highlights what issues individuals will be faced with and what they will need to learn to address any insecurity they may have. Now is the best time to teach your child that just because they like someone does not mean that the other person will like them back. When your child is faced with rejection, insecurities will come up.
You need to help your child understand that they’re in the process of learning and growing and that now is the best time for them to work on improving themselves. It will teach them that it’s important for them to focus on themselves rather than handing their power over to another person and letting that person decide what their value should be.
This is also a great time to help your child understand that there’s someone out there for everyone and that just because this person may not be interested in them, there are more “fish in the sea”. If they just focus on improving themselves in all aspects of their life they will have a better chance of finding the right person for them.
The Pleasures Of Sex
Acknowledging to your child that sex is pleasurable and normal will remove many stigmas and psychological traumas that are brought on by trying to deny that sex can be enjoyable and healthy. Parents fear the idea that their kids are going to have sex but by not acknowledging the magic and beauty of sex, you’re allowing the media and other outlets to shape your children’s view of it. Make sure you acknowledge the fact that sex is very enjoyable when two adults come together in a healthy and appropriate way.
What A Relationship Really Is
While most kids won’t get this right away, it’s still good to plant a seed in their mind to help them understand what a relationship is all about; an equal exchange of energy where both people come together to learn, grow, and share the beauty of life. You don’t want your teen to view a relationship as part of a “to do checklist” in fulfilling their life. You want to teach your teenager that a relationship takes a lot of work, is very challenging and will always present obstacles to deal with each other’s emotions and psychological make-up.
The Differences Between Each Sex
This is also a good time to point out the differences between the opposite sexes so that your child can start to learn how their counterparts think and feel about dating and sex. They need to know that the opposite sex has different wants and needs and that it’s important to be respectful of them even if they don’t agree with them. At the same time, it’s important that your child understands the value of the opposite sex so that they can learn and grow from them.
If you have a boy, you will want to make it clear that girls are not as interested in sex as they are and that they are much more emotional when it comes to sex.
If you have a girl, you will want to explain to them that some boys may want to have sex with them and that they need to learn to say no in a nice way, or set clear boundaries about what they are willing to do sexually if they are dating the boy.
They Will Be Different
If you’re speaking to your child about sex from a healthy perspective, you may also want to point out that they will likely be a little different from their friends and it’s okay to be so. Let them know it will make sense as they get older and that their friends may have not had the same opportunity they have in having parents who speak openly about this.
Keep It In Your Pants
I remember taking a sex-ed class and my high school science teacher saying, “Keep it in your pants”. This was the basis of his entire course on teaching us about sex. What is a boy supposed to do with that? Our hormones are raging and the only solution is to ignore them?
Parents need to stop pretending that their kids are not going to have sex at such an early age. It’s a fact that kids become sexually aware by the time they’re in elementary school. At what point do we acknowledge the elephant in the room? Up until now we’ve either waited for kids to contract an STD or become pregnant; and then we engage them. Why is our approach reactive rather then proactive? From all the statistics that clearly show that no communication is causing problems, at what point do we accept the fact that kids are going to have sex?
Talking To Your Boy
Men’s perception of women and sex is completely distorted. For most, we see woman as a way to get laid and feeling powerful. Men perceive having sex with a woman as fucking and if they get a hot girl, she’s a trophy they can show off to their friends. In most guy circles, this is all they talk about. It’s the foundation of our existence. It’s who we are.
On the other hand, for men who have a hard time connecting with woman, it’s a symbol of their inadequacy. For men, there is so much psychological drama rolled into dating and sex that it’s very important that you start to lay the foundation for your child now so they at least have a chance to avoid this path. No matter what, they will be faced with these issues. But if you can at least put some of these things into context for them, it will seep in slowly but surely and when it does, they can start to use the information to empower them.
Personally speaking, I can say that most men have very a sad and warped view toward the female species. The lying, manipulation and abuse I’ve seen runs rampant (including many of my past misguided behaviors). Looking back on the times I spent with my male friends, it shocks me at how much of our time was spent on talking about girls and getting laid. If someone had removed that topic from our conversation pool, we would have had very little else to talk about (If you’re a father then you know this sad truth).
If you have a son and want to teach him about dating and sex, here are some important talking points:
1. I Am Here For You
By letting your son know that you’re there for him to talk to, you can help establish an open dialogue about sex & relationships. The exchange will begin the process of laying down the foundation on the way he will view the opposite sex. It’s very important that you express to your child why you think dating and sex can be healthy and fun when done in a respectful way.
The fact that you’re open with your boy will teach him that this is not some “weird” subject for him to feel awkward and confused about. More so, he will feel like he can come to you to discuss any challenges he faces. Again, the first thing you need to do is establish an open and healthy foundation about the subject matter by letting him know you’re there for him.
2. How To Impress A Girl
Most guys feel as if they need to lie to girls and be something they’re not to impress them. Tell your boy to be himself and a girl will appreciate this because most of the other guys she comes across will be lying so his honesty will be a breath of fresh air. Plus it’s important for him to start learning that he has value and doesn’t need to try and be bigger or “more important” than what he actually is.
If you look at so many men in the world, you can see that this one point plays such a vital role. Many “boys” go out into the world trying to be something they’re not to impress the world and the women around them. They end up seeking money, power, prestige and fancy cars so that they can feel bigger than they actually are. We need to teach our boys that they have value right now and they don’t need to be something they’re not to attract the opposite sex.
3. How To Attract A Girl
If your boy is having issues attracting a girl he’s interested in, let him know that the best way for him to attract the girl he wants is to become an interesting person himself. He needs to start learning that girls are attracted to confident guys and what builds confidence is when he’s good at something and is an interesting person. Most awkward boys have not found out what they’re good at. Once they do it gives them confidence and this is the best way for them to attract a girl. This is a great way for you to start teaching him how to find his true self and be good at something.
4. Girls Are Lost & Confused
Your son needs to understand that the girls he is hanging out with are still figuring themselves out and they don’t know what they want. This means that he may come across a girl who likes him one day, and doesn’t like him the next day. If this happens, let him know that it’s not personal and that she is going through her own process of learning who she is and what she wants. It’s important to make this point clear so that he does not internalize everything and assume the madness he is experiencing is his fault.
5. Don’t Confuse Sexual Urges With Feelings
Boys this age have hormones that are bouncing off the wall and that means they tend to confuse their sexual urges with feelings and emotions. Tell your boy that he is going through his sexual peak and that means he will desire sex a whole lot more then most girls his age. Most importantly, he needs to understand the differences between his sexual urges and feelings. Many girls end up hurt and gain a distorted view of men because they feel “used”. If you’re a woman you’ve likely experienced occasions where a guy seemed to be “really” interested in you and once he got what he wanted (sex), the interest started to dissipate. Talk to your boy about this so that he will learn to discern between his sexual urges and real feelings.
6. Being In Love
Many boys go through a puppy love stage where they think they have found “the one” and this tends to bring on a whole set of emotional drama. Depending on the situation, your boy either:
A. Is so obsessed with the girl he’s with that he loses sight of himself and starts to slack off on his life and responsibilities.
Or
B. Is so obsessed with a girl he can’t get that he wants to die and thinks it’s the end of the world.
Many boys get lost in this psychodrama, become infatuated and then their schoolwork and other responsibilities start to suffer. Either way, this is an important point in your boy’s life. This is where he will learn that the girls he will be dating are just for “now” and that he can learn so much about himself during the dating process.
Make it clear to him that while he may really like a girl a lot, he’s not in love because he doesn’t know what that is yet and that he’s in the process of exploring what love is. This can also be a great opportunity for you to start the process of exploring what love means. Once again, if your vision is distorted then you’re going to need to work on yourself as well.
Controversial
While this might sound a little controversial for some (especially those who subscribe to the idea of high-school sweethearts), its important to keep in mind that regardless of how good a relationship may be at that age, both individuals are at the very cusp of learning more about who they are individually and what life and love are all about. This is why people in their middle ages tend to say that they feel life is just beginning for them. It’s because they are at the point where they are beginning to learn who they really are as individuals. It’s only when two strong individuals come together to create a relationship that they have any chance of creating a solid foundation in their union.
Since teenagers and young adults are still figuring out who they are, it’s almost impossible for them to truly create a strong relationship that will last. This doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy each other and “play with the idea of love”, but it would be healthier if your boy knew that he is in a process of exploration and not to create the illusion that he has found his “one”.
7. Be Respectful Of Girls Feelings
Girls his age are not as interested in sex as boys are (even though they might pretend to be to get attention) and he needs to understand that even though a girl might be open to having sex, he needs to be respectful of her feelings. It’s crucial that you help your boy learn that girls do not separate sex from their emotions even though some guys can. If he ends up having sex with a girl he needs to be respectful of the fact that she has feelings and is not just having sex with him for physical reasons (even though she might pretend that she can).
8. Respect Her Limits
Many boys are just hungry to have intercourse and tend to want to get to “home plate” so will be disrespectful of girl’s limits. While some girls might be ok with some form of sexual play and intimacy, it’s important that boys respect a girl’s limits if she is not ready to go “all the way”. In fact, you can also turn this into a positive for your boy by teaching him that what actually turns a girl on is when she feels safe and comfortable. The best way for him to be liked by the girl is to let her lead the process of intimacy by making her feel safe, respected, and comfortable. Of course this all needs to be done in an authentic way and not manipulative. Regardless of age, no female likes a pushy guy.
9. Masturbation
While it may be awkward to talk to your boy about masturbation, it’s very important that you do so. He needs to understand that there is no shame in it and he also needs to know how to clean up after himself so he’s not leaving a “mess” all over the place. More importantly, this is the best way of keeping your kid safe because he can masturbate instead of having sex so it lowers his chance of getting an STD or a girl pregnant. Make sure your boy knows it’s ok if he masturbates and that he can use his room or the bathroom for his own quiet time. It’s important that your son knows that it’s very normal for boys to do this, that everyone does, and that it’s actually healthy for him to do so in his own space.
10. Condoms
Make sure he has them, knows how to use them, and knows where to get more.
11. Sexually Transmitted Diseases
In speaking to your boy about STD’s, make sure you don’t use fear as a way to keep him from having sex as this will not only give him a fear based perspective of sex, but he will see that you’re actually trying to detour him from having sex. Make sure he knows if he’s having sex and gets an STD, he can come to you and you won’t be angry or make him feel guilty. Guilt and shame are the reason most kids keep things to themselves and then small issues turn into big issues. Remember, this is about acknowledging that these things can happen and you want to keep the line of communication open.
12. Pregnancy
Make sure your boy has and knows how to use condoms. Without fear just let him know that if he’s not careful, the girl he’s with can get pregnant and this will drastically change his life because he will now have to be responsible for it (once again, without fear).
13. Porn
As noted above, your boy will be watching porn. There’s no way around it. No matter how much you try, he will come across it. Here is how you can approach the matter:
Step 1 – Do not make a big deal out of it so that you don’t add any taboo flavor around it. This will just make him more curious. Let him know that legally he needs to wait until he is 18 to start watching porn but if he comes across it that’s ok.
Step 2 – Let him know that porn can be mentally and psychologically addictive and that if he watches too much it will affect his mental well-being. This is also a good time to let him know that watching porn can desensitize him, which will make it a lot harder for him to be sexually aroused.
Step 3 – Teach him that as he gets older, sex will mean so much more than what’s being shown in porn and that most porn depicts sex in a negative way. Use this as an opportunity to let him know that sex can be a very sacred and intimate experience between two people and that porn does not reflect this.
An Example Talk
Here is an example of what a first talk could look like using the Neutral Parenting Formula. Please note this is not an entire talk nor is it exactly what you should tell your child, as it should come from your perspective and have your flavor:
“I know you may be having or will soon have sex and just wanted to bring this up with you because it’s a normal part of life and I don’t want you to feel weird or embarrassed about it. Having sex with a girl can be an amazing experience when two people truly care for each other. However, for most guys, sex is seen as just a way to get off or feel powerful and I want you to know that this is not a healthy approach for guys. I’m sure you mainly hear or see sex in movies, Girls Gone Wild, or on porn and just wanted you to know that there is another side to sex. Sex is two people connecting both energetically and physically. It’s not just about putting your dick inside her and fucking. It’s about your connection with her and getting closer with her.
Right now you are currently going through your sexual peak which means that you’re thinking about sex all the time. I know it can be a bit frustrating especially when it happens in public places. Just know that the raging hormones you have inside you will eventually pass as you get older and it wont consume you like it does now. Your best bet is to just masturbate so you don’t upset women with the fact that you’re always so horny.
Something you’ll need to learn is that women associate sex with their emotions. They’re not like guys where they can just have sex without emotions. They’re the exact opposite and if you really don’t have strong feelings for a girl other than just wanting to have sex with her, don’t be a jerk and try and come on to her just so you can get laid. If you do really like someone and want to have sex, here are some condoms and here is how you use them.
When you’re interested in a girl, don’t lie and try to impress her by pretending to be something you’re not. You’re an amazing person and as you get older you will continue to grow and gain more value. If you lie to try and impress a girl, you will only get yourself into trouble and girls can tell the difference.
When looking at girls, try not to see them as a piece of meat or someone you just want to “fuck”. This is very disrespectful and rude. I know that many of your guy friends will have this take on girls and just do the best you can to not follow them. I promise that when you get older you will be so happy that you did not go down that path. But if you do, try to remember this talk and move out of that type of thinking.
With the right person, sex is a beautiful and wonderful experience and although I would prefer you to wait until you are older before you start having sex, if you find the right girl now and want to do so responsibly, just remember that you need to wear a condom and that you do it in a safe place. Remember that you’re responsible for your choices and actions and will need to deal with anything that happens if you make any poor decisions. Please know that I’m here for you if you ever need anything. Do you have any questions?”
After the Talk
After that, let him be. Chances are he doesn’t even want to talk to you about this but if you’re able to help him see three very important points about it, it will sink in and it will enter his mind every so often as he goes through his process. Remember, this is not about controlling the situation. It’s about having the type of relationship with him so that what you say holds weight and he will take it into consideration on his own terms. By remaining neutral and fair, he will see that what you’re saying has some value and the older he gets, the more it will make sense.
A Personal Experience
I remember when I was eleven years old and I would hang out at my friend’s house. We would play downstairs and his dad had a collection of Playboy and Penthouse magazines. We started to look through them and within a few minutes, his mom caught us. However, she did not react, freak out, get mad, or say anything that would allude to the fact that we did something wrong. She calmly closed the magazine and diverted our attention to something else. Even back then, I remember thinking to myself, “Oh, this must not be a big deal” so I went about my day and didn’t think twice about having to see those magazines again. Nor did I feel any shame or guilt.
This is what I mean about being neutral and not making things a big deal. You remove the taboo flavor of the issue and this keeps your child from obsessing over it. Regardless if your teenager is 13 or 19, the concepts outlined here will work wonders for him.
Talking To Your Girl
Girls have it tough. They really do. Not only do they have to deal with guys pretending to be something they’re not and always wanting “something” from them, they also have to live in a male dominated world. They’ve had to use their sexuality as a means to try and gain back the power they lost over the centuries. In this section we will explore some of the major challenges girls face when dealing with dating and sex.
1. Sexual Power
When setting the stage with your daughter about her sexuality, the first thing you need to start with is letting her know about the power she has. Many women do not know how to use their sexual power in a positive and constructive way so they end up perverting it to get what they want in life. If you want to empower your daughter at an early age while helping her establish a positive and healthy foundation with sex, you need to help her understand that her sexuality is powerful and if used in the right way, can empower her and ensure that she will attract guys with more integrity. However, if she uses it in the wrong way it will diminish her sense of self-worth and she will be prone to attracting men with less integrity (like attracts like).
When speaking to her about this, let her know that over the course of history, men in power have disempowered woman by trying to control them and suppress their feminine energy. She needs to learn how to find her balance in using her sexuality in a constructive manner. Let her know that many boys are going to want to have sex with her and she needs to learn not to give in to their demands while at the same time remaining humble and joyful. This is where her true power will come from; in the balance.
When it comes to woman’s sexuality, they either:
Use it to get what they want and move ahead in the world.
Use it to feel loved and better about themselves (self-esteem).
When this happens, they shut down and build resentment toward men because through their beliefs and how they use their sexuality, attract the wrong men. This leads to a distorted view on sex, their life, and the world around them. Many women are angry and feel cheated because they do not know how to strike a balance with their sexual power. Teaching your daughter how to say no to men while still being humble and joyful will go a long way.
2. Boys Want One Thing
As previously mentioned, boys are at their sexual peak in their teen years and girls are not. So not only are boys immature and still figuring themselves out, but they also have to deal with the crazy hormones that are running through them. This is why boys end up hurting girls because they lie to get what they want. It’s important to put this into perspective for your daughter so that she doesn’t end up hating men as she gets older. Let her know that boys don’t know any better and because their sexual energy is at a different place than hers, she’s going to need to learn how to discern when boys are saying something to try and have sex with her.
Since this is something she’s going to have to deal with her entire life, it’s vital that you help her create a healthy and compassionate perspective about it so she won’t feel used or misguided.
3. Toads & Princes
A female’s ability to discern between guys who are trying to use her versus the “good ones” will be of utmost importance to your daughter. Many women like to play the blame game and while it’s true, guys can be jerks, it’s your job as the female to be able to discern between the two. By helping your daughter to understand the difference between nice guys and those who are disrespectful, you will help her become more empowered. Teach her how to discern between genuine guys and immature ones.
4. Assholes
As you talk to your daughter about the differences between good guys and “assholes”, it’s important that you help her put this into perspective and let her know that these “assholes” do not know any better. If you can teach her to feel some compassion for them because they are lost and confused, this will help her grow leaps and bounds by not judging those who just do not know any better. Let her know that these guys have not discovered their true strength yet so they use sex as a way to try and dominate and feel more secure about themselves. In reality, they are very insecure so teach her to feel compassion, not anger.
5. Attention and Compliments
If your daughter is physically blessed and beautiful, she will also need to learn how to accept compliments graciously and not:
A. Become stuck up and full of herself.
B. Be rude to guys because she gets so much attention.
By letting her know that she can accept the compliment, say thank you, and then go about her business, you will help toward the process of her empowerment and sensitivity.
6. Wearing Clothes For Attention
Because so many girls use their sexuality as a way to get attention and feel validated, many girls dress provocatively. Parents tend to struggle with this issue when dealing with their teenage girl and do so because they’re not focusing their energy on the root cause, which is “validation”. If you don’t want your girl to dress like a slut, she needs to feel good about herself and get the attention she seeks in healthy and constructive ways. Once she does, you will see that naturally she will not need to wear those clothes.
7. Losing The Attention
If your daughter is physically blessed, it’s also important for her to know that while she may get a lot of attention now, as she gets older her physical attributes will begin to diminish. She needs to understand that the type of attention she gets from men is not sincere and she should not rely on this attention for her feeling of self-worth. Otherwise when she gets older and her looks begin to fade it will hit her like a ton of bricks because she relied on this attention for her sense of value. It’s important that you help her establish a sense of self-worth that is based on who she is and not what she looks like.
8. Feelings vs. Thinking
This is also a great time for you to help your daughter become in touch with her feelings and let her know that boys do not see the world in the same way she does. Girls are much more emotional and associate dating and sex with feelings while guys are more physically driven. Because many girls want to fit in and keep their set of friends, some try to pretend that they can be intimate without the feelings and it’s just not true. Nor should it be.
It’s important that your daughter not feel weird or insecure because she has feelings. At the same time, this is the beginning of her process of finding a balance with her feelings so that she does not become over-emotional. Let her know that women are very sensitive, have lots of feelings and that it’s healthy for her to have them but to try and not let them get the best of her. She needs to find the balance between her emotions and rational thinking.
9. Body Image
Because of all the fashion magazines, TV, media and so on, girls are bombarded with images of what they should look like and you need to help your daughter put this into perspective. She needs to have a handle on the fact that her body is a reflection of the way she feels about herself on the inside and there is no make-up, magic bra, diet trick, shoes, dress, or anything else that will help her “look good”. She needs to “feel good” about herself and her body is an outer reflection of the way she feels on the inside.
The best way for a girl to feel good about herself is to find her way in life mentally, physically, and spiritually. She needs to become an “interesting” person and have more to offer than her physical attributes. Here are the important ingredients to help your daughter have a healthy body image:
Physically Fit – Help her find one thing (yoga, pilates, swimming, etc…) that helps her burn energy and stay physically fit.
Mentally Fit – Help her find something that she’s good at so she can spend her time exploring herself through a hobby or project.
Spiritually Fit – Help her explore what it means “for her” to be alive and what makes her feel good about life.
Looks Fit – It’s ok for your daughter to put some time into her looks. It’s actually crucial for her identity. But there’s a difference between obsessing over it because she’s trying to overcompensate for areas she lacks in and putting her look together so she can feel comfortable in her own skin.
10. Sex Is Great
In helping your daughter to develop a healthy relationship with sex, it’s good for her to know that sex can feel fantastic with the right person and she shouldn’t feel any shame around this. It’s also good for her to be ok with the fact that she may have a few sexual partners before she finds ‘the one’ and that is ok. It’s healthy for a girl to explore her sexuality with other men as long as it’s with someone who respects them rather than someone who uses them.
I know it’s hard to imagine your “little girl” having multiple partners. But it really is healthy for women to do so. It gives them valuable insight about who they are and what they want. If you create an environment where she feels weird for dating multiple men, she could rebel. Create a safe and neutral environment for her to explore her sexuality without the sense of guilt or judgment.
11. Feeling Validated
In talking to your daughter, let her know that it’s not who she’s with that validates her as a woman. She needs to feel secure with herself and not seek outside sources for validation. Many girls associate the “cool guy” or “attention from guys” with their feeling of validation. If you don’t want her to go down this path you need to teach her other healthy ways of feeling validated. Teach her that at the end of the day, only she can validate herself.
12. Finding The Right Guy
Every woman in the world is trying to find the “right guy”. Just search the web and browse the dating sites and you see so many women going through so much pain and suffering because they can’t find their perfect match. Why are woman having such a hard time?
Answer: Like attracts like.
If you want to help your daughter find the right guy she needs to learn that the best way to do so is by making herself a better person so she can attract someone of similar quality. Many women think they’re going to find Mr. Perfect but they themselves have so many issues: insecurities, poor habits, low self-esteem, not very interesting, self-limiting beliefs, and so on. “He” does exist but you’re not attracting him into your life because you’re not living in the same way he does. As soon as your daughter learns that “like attracts like”, she’ll see that once she gets her own life together and at the “same place” as what she wants in a man, it will increase her probability of finding a good guy.
13. Don’t Take Things Personal
Because girls have so many feelings to sort through and are very emotional, you need to teach your daughter not to take things personally. She needs to learn that things happen that have nothing to do with her. She needs to learn that many boys act the way they do because that’s who they are and it has nothing to do with her.
14. It’s Not The End Of The World
Because teenagers have a small frame of reference, when things don’t go there way in a relationship it can seem like the end of the world. And from their perspective, it is. If a relationship goes sour and your teen is acting like it’s the end of the world, for the first couple of days just go with it. Let her feel her feelings. Acknowledge them and say something like, “It hurts doesn’t it?”. When you provide the space for her to feel her emotions, she will let them out. Once they’re all out she can listen to reason. At the same time (without invalidating her), you need to teach her that there is more to life then a boy.
An Example Talk
“I wanted to take this time to talk to you about dating and sex because it is going to be a big part of your life not only now, but as you get older. It’s important that you understand how powerful women’s sexual energy is and that sex is not just about the physical aspects. There is a lot more going on mentally and energetically between the two people that come together.
You need to know that right now boys are going to want to have sex with you and because many of them do not know how to act with integrity, some will lie to you so that they can have sex by pretending to be more interested in you than they really are.
Know that boys are going through their sexual peak right now and that means they think about sex a lot more than girls your age. Girls do not begin their sexual peak until their early thirties so you will experience something similar when you get older.
Be aware that as you begin your dating process, it’s going to be your responsibility to be able to tell the difference between guys who are sincere and guys who are jerks.
Unfortunately, our world is filled with more jerks then good guys. However, do not let those guys get you down because there are many great guys out there. You just need to learn to tell the difference and not give into some of these guys’ tricks, as they can be very clever in getting what they want, which is sex.
If you come across a lot of guys who are mean or jerks, it’s because they’re still learning more about who they are and don’t know any better. Don’t take it personally like you have done something wrong. They don’t know how to communicate or act with integrity and this is why it’s important for you to start learning the difference between the good guys and not so good guys.
You also need to be aware of the fact that guys are going to be giving you a lot of attention because they are attracted to you. You need to learn now to not misinterpret this attention as your value. You are a special person because of who you are, not because guys want to have sex with you.
During this stage of your life you’re going to be faced with a lot of emotions. Girls have lots of feelings and are very sensitive. It’s great to be emotional and sensitive, but you also need to learn how to balance your emotions with rational thinking so that you do not become overemotional. When you find your balance between your emotions and critical thinking you will become a very powerful woman.
With the right person, sex is a beautiful and wonderful experience and although I would prefer you to wait until you are older before you start having sex, if you find the right guy now and want to do so responsibly, just remember that he needs to wear a condom and that you do it in a safe place. Remember that you’re responsible for your choices and actions and will need to deal with anything that happens if you make any poor decisions. Please know that I’m here for you if you ever need anything. Do you have any questions?”
Lead By Example
Now it’s time that you become honest with yourself:
Dads – Do you only see women as something to sexually gratify you? Do you pretend to be something you’re not to impress them? Are you insensitive to their feelings and put your own wants and needs ahead of theirs? Or are you shy and insecure and still trying to figure your way around this subject?
Moms – Are you angry with men because you haven’t learned to find your balance? Do you use sex as a way to feel validated or get what you want? Do you obsess over having a man so that you feel complete? Or are you shy and insecure and still trying to figure your way around this subject.
Please be honest with yourself about how you use your sexuality and how you perceive the opposite sex. Do you really want to pass this on to your teenager? Are you willing to be honest with yourself and do the work that is necessary to heal your own issues?
Final Thoughts
While it would be nearly impossible to teach and communicate all the details and nuances of dating, sex, and relationships in this course, my goal was to at least cover some of the major points that seem to be causing so much drama in our world.
It’s also important that you understand that even if you do a perfect job of communicating all this to your child, they’re still going to have many challenges because it’s impossible to remove them. However, by giving them this information you will be lowering the probability factor of them getting extremely hurt or affected by this stage of their life.
I would also like to point out that your teenager might not be interested in talking to you about this. They will probably feel weird and grossed out because they’re talking to their parents about sex and dating. Rest assured that although you may be talking and they might be looking the other way pretending to not hear you, THEY HEAR YOU! The reason it’s so important for you to talk to your teenager about this from a healthy, neutral, and positive perspective is that when they do begin to go through challenges, the things you’ve said will pop up and make sense to them. This is where your relationship with them will grow because once they connect the dots via their personal experience; they will see that what you shared with them makes sense.
By giving them the information and then the space to put it to the “test”, they will see that what you’re saying holds weight and has value. And because you didn’t approach them with fear or judgment, they will respect you and what you’re saying a whole lot more. Remember, your teenager doesn’t have the ability to hold an adult conversation. So just give them the information, stay neutral, let them play with it, and as soon as it hits them that what you’re saying makes sense, they’ll come to you to start a dialog. This is where your relationship can begin to blossom.
Journaling Exercises
How different do you think your life would have been had your parents taught you these concepts about dating and sex? Do you think it would have changed your life? If so, how? Spend the next few moments thinking about this and then write down what comes to mind.
Where are you currently at when it comes to dating and sex? Are you able to have healthy relationships? Do you still have a hard time relating with the opposite sex? Are you angry or frustrated with the opposite sex? Write down what comes to mind for you.
What do you want to teach your teenager about sex and relationships? In an ideal world, what perspective would you like them to have? Write down exactly what you wish to teach them about relationships and sex.
In this lesson you are going to learn how to help your teen find their life purpose or career path.
In it you will discover:
The importance of putting your teenager in touch with their passion
Why using fear and survival thinking can send them down the wrong path
That your teenager has a unique gift waiting to come out
The importance of a “relevant education”
How most schools are failing our youth
To help your child see that school is everywhere
Why you need to take an honest look at your career path
Think Back For A Moment
Before you start this lesson I want you to take a moment and think back to when you were a child. Did you have any dreams? Did you want to be something when you grew up? How did your parents encourage you? Did they tell you who to be? Or did they allow you to choose your own path?
“What will you become when you grow up?”
One of the biggest concerns for a parent is “What will my child do with their life?” and, “Who will they become when they grow up?” For most adults, many of us struggled with what we were going to do with our lives when we got older. Some of us may have had guidance counselors or parents who encouraged us to be someone important. But for the most part, many individuals were left with “What will your major in college be?”
By choosing our major in college and using it as some form of barometer as to “who we would be”, it determined what we were going to do with our lives and this gave us a sense of purpose. We’re taught from an early age that what we do needs to make a lot of money otherwise we will not be successful. Yet why are so many people unhappy and unfulfilled regardless of how much money they’ve obtained? Why are there so many people in the world with college degrees that are hardly used? Why are there so many people having mid life crisis’s because their life feels empty and meaningless when they turn forty or fifty?
Chances are, some of you taking this course probably don’t love your job. Sure, you may have come to terms and accepted it. But if you’re like most people in that your job is separate from whom you are, then you’re missing out on more than half your life. Since we spend forty (or more) hours a week at our job, wouldn’t it be great if we also loved it? Why are so many of us miserable when it comes to our career?
Kids Always Knew
When we were kids, we always knew what we wanted to do from moment to moment. We saw one toy that excited us and we played with it. Then when we were done we went on to the next toy or game and life was a random series of moving from one exciting thing to the next. We never had to think much about what we wanted to do other than what was in front of us and brought us joy in that moment. If we got bored, we used our imagination to come up with ways to entertain ourselves.
As we got older, the looming question of “What will you become when you grow up?” started to hang over our heads. As if the clock was about to expire on our fun time and then we had the moment of truth where we needed to become serious adults and take on responsibility and “grow up”. The message was that once we became an adult the time for fun was over and we were supposed to separate what we did as kids from who we became as an adult. In other words, the fun was over! I still recall to this day when my dad told me how I should enjoy my youth because once I got older, I would have to get “serious”.
SurvivalMode
Because we have been living in survival mode for so long, we have defined our career as a way to stay alive. It has represented our method for putting food on the table, shelter over our heads, and clothes around our body. For most of us, a job (or career) is something we do because we have to so that we can survive. But the truth is, our society is now at a point where technologically and systematically speaking, our jobs don’t just have to be a survival mechanism. They can have so much more meaning than just an end to a means.
What To Do
Below I’m going to outline a 14-step process that you can use to help guide your teenager to find their true path in life. At the end, please note that I combine them all for you to create a simple list you can use.
Projecting Your Fears
Step 1 – Do not project your fears onto your child and instead provide them a neutral space to explore what they want to do with their lives.
I remember growing up my dad always told me that I should be a doctor or lawyer because they make a lot of money. I kept hearing from parents all over how “We don’t want you to have to suffer the same way we did” and all this did was instill fear in me. Hearing over and over again that the way to be happy is to make a lot of money is a disease of the mind and society seems to be suffering from it. However, this belief is starting to unravel. Looking at people who have money and seeing how most of them are so miserable clearly shows that money doesn’t buy happiness.
Because of our expectations, instead of allowing our kids to tell us what they want to do and supporting them the best we can, we’ve been projecting our own misguided beliefs onto them. We either want to see them follow in our footsteps or we pass along our fears of not making it in the world. We push our kids toward jobs that make lots of money even at the sacrifice of their happiness. The irony is that if we all did what we loved to do we would all be quite successful in our own way; both emotionally and financially.
If you want to empower your teenager, the first step is that you must come to terms with your own fears around money and what a career is supposed to be. If you project your fears onto your teenager they will be left to work through them as they get older. Look at all the people having mid-life crisis’ who are rediscovering who they really are and what they want in their forties and fifties. By giving your teenager a healthy and positive outlook on what a career can be, and by not associating it with fear or survival mechanisms, they will stand a better chance of discovering their life purpose.
Discovering Ones Life Purpose
Step 2 – Encourage your teenager to do something that is meaningful for them.
In recent years, the term life purpose has been slowly but surely replacing the word “job” or “career”, and this is a sign that we’re moving in a healthier and holistic direction. If your teen views their career as their life purpose rather than a job, it adds much more meaning to what they’re going to be doing for the rest of their lives. It’s so imperative that your children develop a healthy relationship around the idea of what it is they’re going to be spending their time on when they mature. This is why so many teenagers struggle with school. They’re afraid of what comes after and why shouldn’t they be? So many people are miserable in their jobs that when a teenager sees this, it gives them nothing to look forward to.
Once you have removed all fears from your definitions of what a career really is, then you can teach your teenager that a career can be a very meaningful and rewarding experience that gives them a purpose in life.
Excitement: How To Find Your Life Purpose
Step 3 – Guide your child to listen to and trust their excitement, and take action to the best of their ability.
One of the biggest genres in the self-help section of bookstores is how to discover your life purpose. Many people are lost and confused as to how to find purpose but the truth is we already knew how to do this when we were children. Unfortunately we were untaught this talent as we got older and then forgot how to do it. The way your teenager can find their life purpose is by following their excitement. As children, we always knew what excited us and we would engage it for the moment and then synchronistically move onto the next thing that excited us.
For some people this may sound too corny but look at some of the most successful people such as Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Steve Jobs. If you read their stories you will see that they did exactly that; follow their excitement. I’m not saying there is not education and other components involved that act as “supporting details” but the driving engine for their success (and many others) is that they did what they love to do.
If you want to do your teenager a great service, encourage them to do whatever excites them the most. Allow them to discover and embrace what excites them no matter how trivial it may seem in the beginning. It could be something as “simple” as skateboarding (although multi-millionaire Tony Hawk would say otherwise to how simple it is), or fiddling with a guitar (although John Mayer would argue that he was not just fiddling). It really doesn’t matter how trivial or simplistic it may “seem”. As long as you encourage your teenager to do what they love, the universe will provide everything they need in creating a clear path as to what they should be doing with their life.
Your main goal other than encouraging your teenager to do what they love is to teach them good work ethics, follow through, and integrity for “how” they do what they want to do. As their guide, it’s important that you don’t project your own expectations or desires on them and that you:
Provide them a neutral space for self-discovery.
Help them stay in the moment and discover what they love.
Encourage them to do whatever excites them every moment in their life.
Do whatever it is they want to do with conviction and integrity.
So the third step in supporting your teenager is to let them trust their excitement. All of us have something that excites us and this also ties into motivation. For those of you who have a hard time getting your teenager motivated, I guarantee that once they find something that excites them; it will change their lives forever and you will not have to motivate them.
Their Unique Gift
Step 4 – Tell your teenager that they have a unique gift to offer the world and that they will find it one day.
All of us, with no exception, have a unique gift to offer the world. Your job as your teenagers guide is to help them discover their unique gift and talent in life. The biggest mistake parent’s make is by assuming that their child’s talent is trivial but it’s not. It could be something as simple as drawing, skateboarding, playing the guitar, tinkering with computers, or whatever it may be. If you see your child getting “lost in the moment” when they’re doing something; that is their gift. The mistake that parents make by assuming that what they’re child is doing is trivial and “won’t be a career”, is that they don’t see how it can eventually unfold and manifest into something much bigger. We hear many stories of people who were just “messing around” with something and the next thing you know, they’re a huge success.
So the fourth step in this process is to not discount what it is that excites them now and encourage them to dive in head on so that they can get the most from the experience.
Synchronicity
Definition:An apparently meaningful coincidence of two or more similar or identical events that is causally unrelated.
Step 5 – Teach your teenager to take action to the best of their ability and trust in synchronicity with no expectations.
A very important ingredient in allowing your teenager to follow their excitement is trusting in synchronicity. The reason it’s an important part of the process is that when someone is excited by what they’re doing, it raises their state of being. When a person is “high on life” because they love what they’re doing, it opens the doors to more opportunities. This means that one day what your teenager is doing may seem insignificant but because they’re so into it, it allows for other opportunities to present themselves. They’ll be able to explore their excitement and it will take them to the next step of their process. This is the meaning behind “The Secret” and “Law Of Attraction”. Simply put, you’re putting out such a high frequency and vibration to the universe that it makes it more probable that there will be an opportunity waiting to take you to the next part of your process.
So the fifth step is to teach your teenager to let go and trust in synchronicity. All they need to do is the best they can in every moment and let the magic happen. It still requires action because one cannot just sit and think of what excites them. They must be willing to take action to the best of their ability.
Step 6 – Create a relevant education that supports your teenager in what they’re passionate about.
Our educational system is backwards. We force students to take a bunch of classes that are completely irrelevant to what it is they want to do. I have spoken to so many people who feel like they have been taken advantage of and wasted so much money in college because they had to take courses (which they paid for) that had nothing to do with what they wanted to do in life. While your child may end up going to college, it’s important that whatever they study is relevant to what excites them. In fact, because of the Internet, you would be amazed at how much you can learn just researching the web.
The sixth step in this process is to help create a relevant environment for your teenager to support what they are passionate about. You need to surround them with the tools and resources that are relevant to what they want to do. Help your teenager find people, books, videos, or any resource or information that helps them learn about what they’re most interested in. Depending on what it is they’re passionate about, they might need to go to college or might not. If they’re following their passion and it turns out they do need to go to college, then at least it’s money well spent because if it’s “relevant” to what they enjoy doing, they will know how to apply what they’re learning.
Timing Is Everything
Step 7 – Do not feel forced into society’s system of school timing. Allow your teenager to unfold naturally while at the same time setting clear boundaries about what is expected of them financially once they hit a certain age.
Because we have been raised in a factory type educational system, it has been engrained in our collective psyche that we must go to college when we are 18 and have a degree when we are 22. Do you know how many kids leave college in debt and are still not sure what they want to do? I know of so many people who are $50 – $100k in debt from college and then decided to change majors. Why not just send your kid to college when they know what they want to do?
The real challenge most parents face with this issue is that they want their kid to be making money and self-sustainable by a certain age. That is understandable. So make it clear to your child that you will give them the time and space to explore who they are, but at the same time, they need to be self sufficient with their own expenses. Since everyone taking this course is at a different place financially, you need to set your own guidelines around what you expect from your teenager financially.
The seventh step is to make sure that if they do go to school they go when the time is right for them and don’t feel forced to do so just because our current structure says it’s time. You will make the most of your money if your child goes to college when they know how to apply what it is they’re learning.
School Is Everywhere
Step 8 – Encourage your teenager’s curiosity. Teach them to ask good questions and pay attention and that every moment of life is school.
Everything is school. All of us are learning in any circumstance we find ourselves in whether it’s walking down the street, talking on the phone, waiting in line, and so on. Anytime we’re speaking to someone and asking questions, we’re learning. When we watch a video we’re learning. When we watch life go by, we’re learning. Learning takes place every second and every moment and is never off.
The two most powerful tools we have in learning are:
Curiosity
Asking good questions
When someone is intrigued with something this means they have a level of interest that makes them want to explore what is going on. During their exploration process, good questions are what will help them learn more about it. By encouraging your teenager’s curiosity and teaching them how to ask good questions, you will empower them to make the most of every moment by learning something new.
The eighth step is to teach your child that everything is school and how to ask good questions. I have learned so much from people just by asking them good questions. I have some good friends from Stanford who I would have informative discussions with that led to extensive learning. In fact, without having to spend the $100k they did, I got to learn a lot of what they learned. Did I learn everything? Of course not! But I also didn’t have to pay $100k! Teach your child how to be curious, ask questions, listen and know that school is everywhere!
Experience Carries More Weight
Step 9 – Help your teenager apply what they’re learning and find a way for them to gain experience so they can build confidence and their resume.
While learning information is important, applying that information is much more important. Our school system is solely based upon cramming information down students’ throats and having them become memorizing robots. Without the ability to make good use of information and apply it in a practical way, what good is it unless your child is going to make their career on Jeapordy?
The ninth step in this process is to support your teenager in helping them apply what they learn. If you have ever been on an interview, you know that more companies value experience over education. In fact, many businesses don’t actually care what school you went to and put more emphasis on what experience you have. As someone who has run their own business for ten years and who has done plenty of interviews, I know from experience and other business managers that experience matters more than anything else.
Define Your Own Success
Step 10 – Guide your teenager to define their own success and find their own answers about what makes them happy in life.
When a newborn enters this world, they’re bombarded with messages from society that tells them what success means. We’re told that having lots of money, a fancy car, a big house, etc…are how we should define our success. Yet we know that many of these people are not happy. So what is success then? The answer to this question can only come from each individual. If there are seven billion people on this planet then there should be seven billion different definitions of what success is. That being said, all of us can agree on one thing; we all want to be fulfilled and live a happy and healthy life. I think this definition would ring true for all seven billion people. However, what makes up the details of happiness and fulfillment are going to vary from person to person.
The tenth step in this process is to help your child get in touch with their definition of success. Rather than projecting your definition or allowing them to succumb to societies definition, let them decide for themselves. In the end, they only have to answer to one person.
There Are No Small Jobs
Step 11 – Teach your teenager that there are no small jobs and to do everything with passion and integrity. By honoring what they do and where they’re at, they will move up the rung of the ladder much more effectively.
When first starting out at jobs or projects, some people assume there are some roles that are more important than others; that if someone is a manager versus a worker, the worker is valued less. Most people focus so much on where they want to go that they lose sight of what it is they’re doing. Some of the most successful people in the world started at the bottom and the reason they rose to the top was because they did their “small job” with the utmost integrity. Whether it was sweeping floors, answering phone calls, research, etc…these successful people embraced their role and did it so well that it was a no brainer for them to be promoted.
The eleventh step in this process is to instill a good work ethic in your teenager so they respect every aspect of what they do and understand that there are no small jobs. When your child truly embraces where they’re at now, it will make it much easier for them to succeed. People need to embrace where they’re at and make the most of the experience before they can move up another rung on the ladder.
The other side of this coin is that there are many people such as cashiers, secretaries, phone clerks, etc., that do not take their role seriously and therefore do not do their jobs with joy. If they did do their jobs with joy, not only would it make it more probable for them to move up the ladder, but they would also bring more joy to others and this in its own right is a success. Think about all the people a cashier at a supermarket comes into contact with. A simple smile, hello and warm exchange can literally change another person’s day.
There is a story (and I will keep it short) of a bag boy (the boy who bags groceries at the supermarket) who would go out of his way and put short little positive messages and greetings in each of the customers bag when they checked out. People loved these messages so much that they would line up for his checkout line even if other lines were empty. Customers would tell the manager how much they appreciated his messages and they would drive out of their way to get them. It’s important that you instill this type of integrity in your child so that he or she does not define entry-level jobs as “low” and do them to the best of their ability.
Life Goes In Phases
Step 12 – Teach your teenager to embrace change and that life goes in phases.
The phrase “career” conjures up an idea of something we’re going to do for the rest of our lives. Forty years ago, having a life long career was relevant because of how our system was structured. These days, everything is much more fluid. People are switching gears all the time and exploring different paths. While for some it may happen that what they chose to do at twenty will still be applicable at fifty, these days it’s not the norm. The truth is that as we grow and evolve we change which means that our life purpose will as well.
The twelfth step in this process is to teach your child that life goes in cycles and that what they enjoy now, they may not enjoy in five or ten years and that’s ok. Teach them to be open to change and trust in synchronicity because when they embrace change, it will help alleviate those transitional periods that so many people judge as being bad rather than a natural process of life.
Enjoy the Process
Step 13 – Empower your teenager to enjoy the process of what they’re doing and stay true to themselves by not getting caught up in any get rich quick schemes.
At one point or another, you have probably seen some type of get rich quick scheme. Whether it be in real estate, the internet, working from home, pyramid schemes, multi-level-marketing, and so on, there are all kinds of people praying on those who don’t know what to do with their lives. Sadly, I’ve even seen a few friends get caught up in these fiascos and it’s a real shame. The reason that these schemes don’t work is because no matter what business you enter into, it will take work. More importantly, there will be challenges and obstacles along the way. When they come up, if you are not passionate about what you’re doing, everything crumbles.
The reason that so many people fall for these programs is that they’re living without really knowing who they are and what they’re passionate about. Most people are lost and out of touch with their true self and these programs know exactly how to tap into peoples fear based survival mind. People dive in blindly thinking they will be able to “get rich quick”, not realizing there is far more involved.
The thirteenth step is to teach your child that whatever they do in life, toenjoy the process. Individuals who get caught up in these schemes don’t realize that what holds more weight than money itself is the process. When Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg make their millions, you can actually see on their faces that the money is secondary and the process and products they are creating are primary. Truly successful people enjoy all the steps it takes to become successful. In guiding your teenager to find their path in life, teach them that “the process is the goal” and not to discount it or try to bypass it because they think it’s in the way of having money. This will help instill real values in their life so that they’re not always trying to “scheme” and be an opportunist with another get rich fiasco.
Lead By Example
Step 14 – Teach your teenager about how fun it is to be alive and offer the world your unique gift and being paid for this through your life.
As in all modules, it’s going to be important for you to lead by example. Do you hate your job? Do you separate your career from your personal life? If you’re struggling with your life purpose, now is the time to get real with yourself and take that leap of faith. Otherwise, it’s going to be hard for your child to listen to what you have to say when you’re doing the opposite of what you’re telling them.
Or, if you feel “stuck” and are not happy with what you’re doing in life, be brave enough to use yourself as an example by showing your teenager how you’re not happy with your career and you wish you would have learned these tools at an earlier age.
14 Step Process
So to recap the 14 steps in supporting your teenager to help them discover their life purpose you want to:
Step 1 – Do not project your fears onto your child and provide them a neutral space to explore what they want to do with their lives.
Step 2 – Encourage your teenager to do something that is meaningful for them.
Step 3 – Guide your child to listen to and trust their excitement and take action to the best of their ability.
Step 4 – Tell your teenager that they have a unique gift to offer the world and that they will find it one day.
Step 5 – Teach your teenager to take action to the best of their ability and trust in synchronicity with no expectations.
Step 6 – Create a relevant education that supports your teenager in what they’re passionate about.
Step 7 – Do not feel forced into society’s system of school timing. Allow your teenager to unfold naturally while at the same time setting clear boundaries of what is expected of them financially once they hit a certain age.
Step 8 – Encourage your teenager’s curiosity. Teach them to ask good questions and pay attention and that every moment of life is school.
Step 9 – Help your teenager apply what they’re learning and find a way for them to gain experience so they can gain confidence build their resume.
Step 10 – Guide your teenager to define their own success and find their own answers about what makes them happy in life.
Step 11 – Teach your teenager that there are no small jobs and to do everything with passion and integrity; that by honoring where they’re at will make it much easier for them to move up the rung of the ladder.
Step 12 – Teach your teenager to embrace change and that life goes in phases.
Step 13 – Empower your teenager to enjoy the process of what they’re doing and stay true to themselves by not getting caught up in any get rich quick schemes.
Step 14 – Lead by example.
Need More Help?
If you are in need of support then I have 4 options for you:
1. E-Book – Download my free e-book on How To Talk To Your Teenager So They Listen To You where I show you seven very important steps on how to handle your teen.
2. Counseling – If your teen is struggling with negative emotions or poor behaviors then go here.
3. Life Skills Tutoring – If you have a good kid who just needs some help learning life skills and getting ready for the “real world” then go here.
4. Parent coaching – If you need help learning how to get your teen to listen to you or do what you want then go here.
My Excitement Story
I remember when I was fourteen and I wanted to become a DJ. My mom asked me if I was interested in getting an instrument and when I told her I wanted turntables she replied, “That’s not an instrument”. I was so excited about playing music that I figured out my own way of getting turntables. A year later I had them and little by little began to collect records.
Two years later I met a friend in a parking lot of a club and we talked about how sad we were that the types of events we enjoyed so much didn’t exist any longer. He heard that I was also a DJ and playfully we threw out the idea of throwing our own events. I was so excited about the idea that I pestered my friend to do it. I knew nothing about it but I was so passionate about it that we were able to pull off our first event and it was a success.
After six months of producing events I started another production company, and that became a success. This linked us up with other production companies and we all came together and threw one big event. This event was such a success that through our excitement, a few of us decided to start our own magazine. This career lasted ten years and I had no schooling in business, event production, publishing or advertising but somehow because of my excitement I pulled it off.
After leaving the music industry I became excited about life coaching, got certified (relevant education), and dove right in. I knew nothing about this industry either but was presented with an opportunity where I got to work with a major media company in the personal growth and natural health sector. This lasted another six years and I gained tremendous experience and contacts.
In some of my most successful years, I’ve made a nice income, did what I loved, and “technically” only have an 8th grade education. I’ve worked with fortune 500 companies, consulted, and developed many other businesses on my own. Everything I’ve ever done in my career was driven by excitement and my willingness to do the work.
For some parents it may seem impossible but I’m telling you from first hand experience that it works. I’ve also studied the paths of other successful people and it’s pretty clear that they’ve done the same thing. They followed their excitement! Of course it takes work and requires learning, but once the passion is “turned on”, everything falls into place very naturally.
Even with this course I knew nothing about launching or running this type of program. But I’m so excited by the message that I did my research, learned what I needed to, took the appropriate action, and here we are!
There is a family with a group of kids who were so passionate about their idea that they turned it into a business.
A stay at home mom solves a problem by creating a toy box for her kids and turns it into a business.
When you watch this episode, you can see in action everything I’ve talked about in this lesson. You can see that these people:
Are so excited
Knew nothing about the business
Dove right in
Surrounded themselves with a relevant education
Took action every day to the best of their ability
Ask Yourself These Questions:
Did you ever have a dream as a child? If so, what?
Do you ever feel like something is missing in your life? If so, write it down here.
Do you feel as though your parents did or did not support who you really are? Or, do you feel like you are living someone else’s life and not your own?
Are you worried about how your teenager will grow up? If so, why? Are they real fears or are you just projecting your own?
Do you see that your teenager is good at something? If so, what?
How can you support and encourage your teenager to live an authentic life?
