Is your teenage daughter being rude, mean, or disrespectful with you?
Is she always talking back and being obnoxious, defiant, or argumentative where you end up having power struggles?
Is she no longer listening to you and only wants to do whatever she wants and not respecting your rules?
Is she making little to no effort in school or at home where she is unmotivated and become apathetic?
Are you constantly struggling with her mood swings where you never know who you are dealing with?
If any of these situations sound familiar to you…
Then in this article we are going to cover how to deal with your teenage daughters attitude problem.
In it, you will learn:
- Why your teenager is no longer listening to you
- The 8 different reasons that could be causing your teenage daughters attitude problem
- What you as a parent can do to try and regain control of the situation
- Why this is not just a “phase that will pass” and you need to take action immediately or things will get worse
- Why you must not get into arguments with them or resort to nagging or sarcasm
Why won’t my teenage daughter listen to me?
One of the most difficult points in a parents life comes when their child no longer listens to them and starts talking back and giving them attitude.
While this can be quite common for most families where teenagers want to begin having a voice and say in their own life, there is a very clear line that a child will cross where their poor behaviors are no longer acceptable.
When you find yourself feeling stressed, worried, and believe that you have lost control of the situation, chances are that you and your daughter have crossed that line.
If you and your daughter are arguing where she has become defiant, disrespectful, or rude where she is exuding a bad attitude, then the first thing you need to understand is that your relationship with her is broken.
What is causing your teenage daughters attitude problem?
Here are eight different reasons why your daughter is exuding a bad attitude.
Keep in mind that it could be a combination of two or more of the reasons listed below:
Cause 1 – Lack of respect for you
When your teenage daughter was a child (ages 3 to 10), for the most part they listened to what you had to say.
Sure, there would be moments here or there where she would throw a tantrum or fit. But generally speaking they listened to you most of the time and respected your authority.
However, once they reach a certain age where they start to embrace their own identity and form their own opinions, they begin to see your relationship in a different way.
During this time, they also start to see you in a different light where they begin to judge you.
Maybe you are not cool enough for her.
Maybe she is discovering things that is making her judge you.
Or maybe over time she has lost respect for you because she thinks you are not being a good parent.
Whatever the situation may be…
Once your child no longer adheres to your authority, they are clearly telling you through their actions:
“I don’t respect you anymore”.
I have worked with some highly at risk youth who have had terrible attitudes with their parents and have been able to earn their respect in an instant.
So it’s not that your child is not capable of being respectful, it’s that they are choosing to not respect you.
You are going to need to rebuild your relationship with her by first figuring out why she has lost respect for you. Once you are able to determine what the reason is, then you are going to need to do the work to gain it back.
It could be something as simple that you are not exuding a strong alpha energy or that maybe she is passing judgement on you for not being cool.
Whatever it may be, you need to get to the root cause and get her back in line.
Just like dogs, children will follow the “pack leader” (i.e. alpha) and if she has lost respect for you, then you are not being the pack leader.
Cause 2 – Lack of trust in the relationship
Somewhere along the line in your relationship she has lost her faith and trust in you.
While this is somewhat similar to losing respect, it is a bit different because she can still respect your authority but may not trust you anymore.
All healthy relationships are built on trust and if she has lost it for you, she will have a very bad attitude.
You are going to need to be honest with yourself and find out if you have had any altercations with her where she has lost trust in you.
If this is the case, you are going to need to work on healing your relationship and building that trust again.
Cause 3 – Lack of gratitude
Sadly many children these days are growing up with no sense of gratitude. They just think that everything comes easy and that their food, clothes, phone, shelter, etc. is just a given and they have no sense of reality when it comes to hard work and financial discipline.
Over time when a child lacks gratitude, they can become arrogant and obnoxious giving off a bad attitude.
In the past, this happened mostly within wealthier families. But in the work I have been doing I have been seeing it even with lower-middle class kids who just don’t even understand the concept of being grateful.
Use this as a teachable moment and start to educate your child about what it means to be grateful.
You may have to take everything away from them so they can start to gain some perspective in life that not everything is going to be handed to them.
On a much more deeper and spiritual level, this is really about teaching your child the importance of enjoying simple things in life and not putting so much weight into “stuff” like games, phones, clothes, social status, etc.
Cause 4 – Unresolved issues from the past
If you and your daughter have had disagreements or arguments that have gone unresolved, then chances are that she is holding on to a grudge.
Over time when these issues go unchecked, they fester inside building animosity towards you.
While you may have the ability to just let things go, most teenagers don’t.
They will hold onto these things causing them to be filled with anger, hatred, and resentment towards you.
Take the time to resolve ALL of your old grievances.
Yes, this will not be easy and may get messy.
But if you do not resolve these things, then your situation will only get worse.
Cause 5 – Other problems going on in her life
Your daughter is now entering the real world which means she has a lot more going on then just watching cartoons, hanging out with friends, and doing some homework.
Your child has gone from doing basic things at home and school to now having to deal with the pressure of becoming an adult.
Maybe she is being bullied at school?
Maybe she is having problems with a teacher?
Maybe she is having problems with a friend or boyfriend?
Whatever the situation may be, she is inundated with so much that she may not know what to do with it and when you try and talk to her, all you get is a bad attitude.
First of all, don’t take her behavior personally.
While this may be difficult, you must remember that she does not have the tools to deal with these issues.
Try and find out what is going on and see what you can do to help her.
This would be a great opportunity for you and her to bond through this teachable moment where you can show her how to overcome adversity and hard times in life.
Remember, challenges are a part of life and she needs to learn how to start solving them.
Here are some quotes I love about dealing with hard times to inspire you through this process:
- The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow.
- You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
- Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.
- Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes them meaningful.
- Hard times don’t create heroes. It is during the hard times when the ‘hero’ within us is revealed.
Cause 6 – Wanting more space and freedom
There comes a point in your teenage daughters life where she is going to want more space and freedom.
Unfortunately, many families do not know how to enter this transitional phase in a healthy manner.
Because your daughter does not have the skills to come to you and say:
“Okay mom/dad, its time for me to start earning my freedom and having the ability to make my own decisions. Lets get on the same page and enter this phase together and create a plan.”
So what do they do instead?
They talk back and give you attitude.
If your child thinks that you are going to hover over them and not give them space to live their own life, they will revolt.
It’s time that you change the relationship dynamic with them and start to set clear expectations.
Your child needs to see that they are on a clear path where you are going to allow them to start gaining more freedom through their consistent responsible behaviors.
You essentially need to hit the restart button in your relationship where you begin to be the “project manager” and they are the “employee” where their job is to follow through on assignments so that they can start having more control over their life.
Once they have a clear understanding of expectations (that you both agree to), then you will see their negative attitude subside.
Cause 7 – Learned behaviors from peers
For most teenagers, their friends and social status is very important to them.
Their entire world revolves around what their friends think of them.
If your daughter has started hanging around the “wrong crowd”, then chances are they are learning their bad attitude from her friends.
When she sees her friend treat their parents in a poor manner, she will mimic this behavior because she thinks this will make her more accepted by them.
This is a tricky one because the most important thing you need to focus on is this:
- Why has she chosen these people as her friends?
- Why is she not surrounding herself with more positive people?
You need to get to the root cause of why she is choosing to hang out with these people.
Chances are that she is rebelling in some way which means you need figure out why she is rebelling.
Once you identify this, then you need to help get her to a place where she wants to live a more positive life surrounded by people who lift her up instead of bring her down.
Cause 8 – Drugs and alcohol
If you teenage daughter is taking any form of drugs (this includes prescriptions) or drinking alcohol, this can have a very negative effect on her brain and psychology which could be causing her bad attitude.
Help to get her off these substances.
However, you will need to get to the root cause of why she is ingesting these chemicals.
Generally speaking, most people take them to avoid some sort of traumatic experience in their life.
She could be struggling with some deep emotional wound that is causing her a lot of pain.
Or, she could just be doing it to rebel.
Whatever the case may be, you must get to the root cause of what is causing this pain and help her through it so she no longer relies on it to suppress her emotions.
This Is Not A Phase
One of the most common mistakes I read on many of the parenting sites out there (and I know they mean well but its not good advice) is that “This is just a phase”.
No it’s not.
If your daughter has crossed that line where she is being mean, defiant, or disrespectful, then something is going on and you need to do something about it ASAP.
Things will not get better over time.
In fact they will get worse because time only creates more separation in your relationship.
Your relationship with your daughter is broken because she no longer respects your authority.
Do Not Argue With Your Daughter
Whatever you do, do not get into arguments with your daughter.
And do not use sarcasm as this will deteriorate your relationship.
The reason why this is so important is because when you argue with her you have “lost control”.
When she sees this, she knows that she now has a way to control you.
As hard as this may sound, you need to stay calm and centered while still remaining assertive.
This is where your true power lays.
In the end, no matter what the cause may be in your teenage daughters bad attitude, this all comes down to her not respecting you as the authority which means that you must regain your place as the “pack leader” (i.e. alpha).