Have you been wondering…
Why is my teenage daughter so mean to me?
Is she behaving defiant, rebellious, angry, obnoxious, bratty, argumentative, or disrespectful?
Is she talking back to you and not listening to what you have to say?
Is she saying mean, rude, demeaning, and nasty things to you?
Has it gotten to the point that she actually hates you?
Have you lost control of the situation and are unsure what to do?
In this article, you are going to learn:
- The eight different reasons why your daughter is being defiant and disrespectful
- Why she is talking back or not listening to you
- Tips on what you can do to regain control the situation
- Things to keep in mind about her current mental state
- What you can do to stay calm so you don’t lose control
- Why discipline may not be the best solution
Learning to deal with emotions
Life is an emotional roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs.
Therefore, the first thing you need to understand is that your daughter is at a very critical time in her life where she is learning how to deal with her own emotions, thoughts, opinions, and ideas about life (including her idea about you).
Her hormones are bouncing off the walls and she is being inundated with a world that is very intense with lots of situations being thrown at her all at once.
Because of this, she has not really found her state of balance with her emotions. This is why she can become quite erratic and it may seem as though “It’s the end of the world” if something bad happens to her.
And because your daughter may be on social media a lot, this means her attention span is short which means that she is not learning how to process things in a healthy and functional way.
So with that said, here are the eight different reasons why your daughter is so mean to you:
1. She does not respect you
As hard as this may be to hear and accept, your daughter may not respect you for a few different reasons.
Maybe you are not cool enough for her.
Maybe she is discovering things that is making her judge you.
Or maybe over time she has lost respect for you because she thinks you are not being a good parent.
Whatever the reason may be, she has lost respect for you and no longer wants to take direction from you.
Human beings are very similar to animals in that we all gravitate towards the alpha and those who command respect.
Hence, if your daughter has loss respect for you, then not only will she not listen to you, but she will even act defiant or obnoxious.
2. She has built up anger or resentment from the past
If you and your daughter have had issues from the past that have gone unresolved or unchecked, then she will act out because of it.
When parents and children are dealing with issues such as disagreements or arguments, they must be resolved so that the child feels good about moving forward with you in the relationship.
If they are not handled in a healthy way, your child will store it away and “forget about it” only for it to resurface later on.
So you must be honest with yourself and ask this question:
“Do we have unresolved issues from the past?”
If the answer is yes, then that is where you need to start.
3. She is unaware that she is hurting your feelings
Because your daughter is now entering a bigger stage on life, she is being overwhelmed with lots of things going on.
From school, friends, dating, peer pressure, college, drugs, alcohol, sex, and her career, she now has a lot more on her plate that she has to manage.
So she might just be feeling inundated with too much on her plate and because of this, her stress and anxiety could be rubbing you the wrong way.
4. She is frustrated or angry with someone else
Maybe your teenage daughter is upset with a friend, boyfriend, a teacher, or something else going on.
Either way, if she is unable to handle the circumstance, she may be taking it out on you.
Try to do some digging to see if you can find out if there may be something else going on in her life that may be troubling her.
5. She is trying to gain her own space and freedom
When people say to you, “Oh, she is just going through a phase”, what they really mean is that your child has now reached a point in her life that she wants to begin asserting her own independence.
From when she was born to about ten or eleven years old, for the most part, she went along with what you wanted her to do. But now she is coming into her own and does not want you to hover over her all the time.
So her poor behaviors could be her way of saying:
“Mom/Dad, I need to start living my own life and I need you to give me the space to do it.”
If this is the situation, then I would highly recommend you begin the process of changing the relationship dynamic with her.
This is a very important stage in your relationship because now she needs to become self motivated and start leading her own life while at the same time you still need to be able to guide her and impart your morals and values.
Therefore, it is going to be critical that you set up some new expectations and boundaries so you can begin the process of allowing her to earn her freedom through consistent responsible behaviors.
6. She does not feel that you are giving her enough love or time
Lets face it…
Most parents are so busy that they have little time to give their children the love and attention that some may need.
While some teenagers are fighting for their independence and space, others are starving for more love and affection.
You will need to be honest and ask yourself this question:
“Have I been giving my daughter the love and attention that she needs?”
If the answer is no, then you are going to need to take immediate action so that you can start meeting their emotional needs.
7. She is mimicking her friends
Teenagers put a heavy amount of importance into their social status.
When they see certain friends who they look up to behave in a certain way, they generally start to mimic them because they want to be looked upon in the same way.
Very often, “good kids” who suddenly turn “bad” do so because they start hanging out with the rebellious crowd and begin emulating their behaviors.
No kid says to themselves:
“Smoking is great”
“Drinking beer tastes good”
The only reason they begin doing it is because they want to begin rebelling and see others using those mechanisms as tools for rebellion.
So if you have noticed that your daughter abruptly changed her behavior from being “sweet and good” to being “defiant and rebellious”, it could mean that she has also changed the types of people she is now associating with.
8. She has a chemical imbalance from drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes
If your teenage daughter has been rebelling for more than one year by ingesting some sort of chemical, then at this point her brain could be effected from it.
Teenagers brains are at a very critical phase in terms of how they are formed and shaped.
Any type of drug (this includes prescription) could be radically altering her behavior and making it difficult for her to function in a calm and rational way.
Just look at any person who is in recovery from alcohol or drugs and you will see that in the first week or so their behaviors are that of a monster.
Their brain has turned to mush and it is quite difficult for them to function.
What to do about it?
No matter what situation you are going through, you have lost your connection with your daughter to the point that she is no longer listening or respecting you.
Your relationship is broken and you are going to need to invest the time to fix it.
Some might say, “Oh just be patient and wait it out”.
I completely disagree.
Healthy and strong relationships do not just magically happen.
They require a great deal of effort which means time and patience.
Of course, it is important that you not take things personally even if she has lost respect for you.
But you are going to need to take immediate action if you want to regain control of the situation so that things do not get worse.
While some discipline and punishment can be helpful in the short term, it will never replace a long term solution. Things like taking away her phone or telling her that she can’t spend time with her friends will only upset her more and make her more defiant.
If you are sincere about having a healthy and authentic relationship with her, here is what you need to do:
Step 1 – Identify your situation
Of the eight different reasons I provided, you are going to need to determine which situation you think best identifies what you are going through.
You will need to play the detective role and figure it out.
Step 2 – Engage your daughter
Have a sit down talk (with no distractions) and ask your daughter this question:
“What type of relationship do you want to have with me?”
This is what is called a “pattern interrupt”.
The goal is to interrupt her behavior and force her to start re-engaging you again.
If she has become mean towards you, that means she is probably at a point where she has disconnected from you.
So by asking her this question, you are inviting her to enter back into a relationship with you.
Step 3 – Restart your relationship with her
Once you get clear about what she wants your relationship to look like and both of you are on the same page, then it is time to hit the restart button and take things one step at a time.
This will not be an easy process because in the beginning your relationship is on quicksand and one little instance could quickly set you back.
It is going to require a great deal of time and patience on your part to help guide the situation.
But it is important that you do not bring the past into the present and that you start from ground zero so to speak.
Need help with this?
My name is Sam Miller and for the past twenty years I have been helping parents build better relationships with their teenager and helping teenagers transition into adulthood by becoming self motivated, responsible, and accountable.
As a teen life coach and counselor, I can help you build a better relationship with your daughter so that she is better behaved and listens to you.
Here is how I can help you:
Step 1 – I will determine exactly what is going on with her and why she is being so mean to you.
Step 2 – I will work towards building trust and rapport with her so that she “wants to” work on the situation.
Step 3 – I will create a strategy and roadmap to help fix the situation.
Step 4 – I will help mediate the situation between you and her so that you can restart your relationship on the right path.
Doing this alone can be quite difficult and time consuming.
Let me help you so that you see results much faster.
If you would like to schedule a free 30-minute consult to learn more about my coaching and counseling services, please contact me below: