In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is stealing and what to do about it.

In it you will learn:

• Five reasons why your teenager may be stealing
• The root cause of why anyone starts to steal
• A step-by-step process of how to turn the situation around
• The importance of changing the situation around sooner than later

Overview

If you have found out that your teenager is stealing, the first thing you need to do is understand why they’re stealing. Each reason will require a different approach when it comes time to speak with them about this.

When speaking with them, make sure you do not come from a judgmental place or use fear as a way to try and get them to stop. Unless he or she is an outright criminal (which would require a different approach) keep the conversation calm and centered.

Fear and guilt will only send them in a more negative direction because when someone starts to steal, it’s usually a cry for help or attention.

Below is a list of the top five reasons why most (not all) teenagers steal.

1. Fear Of Lack

Reason: Most people who steal will fall under this category and it’s the simplest reason. Because of the way that society is structured with money, if a person comes from a poverty-stricken background where they feel like they cannot make money on their own, or have access to it, they will steal. Chances are they probably don’t want to steal but they just believe that there is no other way for them to get what they want.

Solution: First, you must reassure your teenager that there is plenty to go around and that they do not need to steal to get what they want. Even if you come from an environment that does not have a lot of money, you can still teach your teen that there is enough for everyone.

Second, ask your teenager this question: “How would you like it if someone stole your things?” You need to make sure they know what it would feel like if it happened to them. If it’s already happened, just remind them about how they felt at that time.

Third, help them find a way they can make some extra money. Once they’re paid for doing a job well done, they won’t feel the need to steal. If they’re really young, there are still ways they can try and make some money on their own. This will require you to be creative in how you help them find their way. Just look at little kids who would build lemonade stands, wash cars, and so on. Your teenager needs to find creative ways they can make some money so they won’t feel the need to steal.

2. Filling A Void

Reason: Some people steal because they’re filling a void in their life. They may be sad, lost, or depressed and while most people eat or do drugs to fill that void, some will actually steal to fill it.

Solution: You need to help them feel better about themselves and their life. They will first need to deal with their emotions and once they do, they can start creating a new life where they will feel better about themselves.

*Related post > Teen Depression

3. Attention

Reason: People who steal for attention are generally ones who want to be caught. Because this is a cry for help, they’re seeking attention. If you recall when the famous actress Winona Ryder (who has money) was caught stealing, she admitted that she had a problem and was seeking attention.

Solution: You need to give your teenager more attention when they do positive things in their life. Try and help them discover other things that they’re good at and when they do those things, praise them and love them to death. Once they see that they can get attention for things they’re good at and that are healthy for them, they wont seek negative ways to get attention.

4. The Thrill & Rush

Reason: Stealing gives people a sense of excitement and a rush. Because there is a risk of getting caught, those who do it for this reason are adrenaline junkies. Just like people who jump out of airplanes, business men who seek to close a deal, card players looking to win the next hand and so on, these people become addicted to the thrill of the rush.

Solution: Help your teenager find something else that brings them excitement. If they’re stealing because they want the thrill, it’s because nothing else in their life is bringing them any joy or excitement. Help them find something more constructive that brings them this thrill and you will see that they will stop stealing.

5. It’s A Game

Reason: Some people who steal just love the game of it. It’s like a puzzle they want to solve. It becomes a way for them to engage their mind so they can “solve the puzzle”. Most of these people who do the stealing for this reason rarely ever care about what it is they’re stealing. They’re just looking for the challenge.

Solution: Help them find something else that is constructive and challenging.

Repeating Myself

I know it may sound as if I’m just repeating myself because, well, I am! It amazes me that society has taken such simple issues and turned them into such complex problems. Everything comes down to pleasure and pain. If your child is stealing, it’s because they believe this is the easiest way for them to experience pleasure. This is why you need to replace the negative behavior, stealing, with something else that brings them pleasure and is positive and constructive. This way they will associate that behavior with being more pleasurable.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Ecstasy – How to talk to your teen about using ecstasy aka MDMA or “Molly”

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn why your teen may be addicted to technology and the Internet and what you can do to help them through this.

In it you will learn:

• The root cause of all addictions
• Different types of technology addictions
• Why teenagers are becoming addicted to technology
• How to help your child find balance with video games, social media, cell phone, & more

Video Games, Social Media, Cell Phones, Etc…

Technology and video game addiction is becoming more commonplace with many teenagers and while the addiction is not the same as a chemical one via drugs or alcohol, the psychological impacts it can cause is much the same because individuals still become withdrawn, lost, and depressed.

That being said, while they are not exactly the same as “chemical substances”, the pleasure and reward mechanisms are quite similar as companies such as Facebook, Instagram, and many apps and video games have built in rewards via notifications and gamification.

Have you ever noticed that the graphics of many apps and games resemble the slot machines and games at casinos? That is not by accident. These apps and games are designed to hook the user and keep them coming back for more. In fact, developers and executives are now coming out and admitting as such. Here are some quotes:

“The short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops that we have created are destroying how society works.”

“It is eroding the core foundations of how people behave by and between each other.”

“…these platforms exploit a vulnerability in human psychology”

In fact, the co-founder of Facebook Sean Parker was asked if his kids are allowed to use the platform and he said…”they’re not allowed to use that shit.”

Why would the co-founder of Facebook not allow his own kids to use it?

Because teenagers are becoming zombies and are having a hard time functioning in society. In fact, internet addiction centers are opening up across the world.

So why is video game and technology addiction on the rise?

Here are four main reasons…

1. Boredom

Boredom has to be one of the most common reasons that people become addicted to anything. It’s when people are bored that they want to ingest something (either physically, mentally, or emotionally) into their body to cover up the fact that they’re bored. So why are people bored?

2. Validation

Social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram are ways that kids can feel validated by getting likes. Sadly, not only are these likes not real, but they become addicted to needing more outside validation from others. This is a very slippery slope because rather than them becoming self sufficient and confident with themselves, they are now “learning” how to consistently seek outside validation.

3. Lack Of Imagination

Imagination is the greatest gift to be bestowed on us when we were born. As children, we would use our imagination to make things up and play with our friends and toys. If you watch little children play and use their imagination, it’s a beautiful thing to watch them “create their world” as they go along.

As we get older, many of us are guided away from using our imagination because it is time to “get serious”. For many teenagers, this happens during school where they are told that they need to focus on getting good grades and getting prepped for college. The “real world” starts to take over and the pressures and stresses that come with this starts to weigh them down.

4. Escaping Reality

When your teenager is playing a video game, on Facebook, or texting, their mind enters a virtual world that distracts them from these pressures. It’s this distraction that they enjoy so much that becomes addicting for them psychologically. It’s their escape where they don’t have to worry about school, grades, and becoming an adult.

Just look at how many businesses have blocked YouTube and Facebook from their office. There are so many adults that are bored out of their mind and they want to escape this boredom by watching videos or chatting aimlessly. Think about this phrase for a moment: “Killing time”.

How many times have you heard people say that? If life were filled with joy and excitement, why would anyone want to “kill time”? Now think about this phrase for a moment: “Time is flying by”.

Do you see the difference? Either people hate their life so much that they want to kill time, or they love it so much that they don’t even notice it and time flies by.

ADD & ADHD

All scientists have done by creating these ridiculous ailments is to categorize boredom. Rather than being open and honest with the fact that kids are bored, society feels better by “solving” the reason that so many people are not interested in life and school. Think about it – we have to drug our kids to pay attention to something! Life is supposed to be filled with so much joy that they should want to pay attention to their lives. If your child is not paying attention, it’s a sure sign that they’re not interested. Rather than drugging them, how about finding something that is more interesting for them to want to learn? Kids do want to learn. They just don’t want to learn the way they’re being taught in most schools.

Here is another way to look at it: Do you have to drug kids to play video games, surf the net, listen to music, or play with their friends? Of course not, we only have to drug kids to do things they don’t want to do.

Chemical Stimulation

When kids are using technology and are stimulated by this, there is a level of dopamine being released that can create a high for them (especially with video games). The mind does NOT know the difference between reality and alternate realities so when it’s immersed in all the graphics and action taking place in games (or conversations and information on Facebook or texting), as far as the mind can tell, it’s real. So real that it stimulates the mind and creates some level of pleasure and euphoria.

Pleasure vs. Pain

The mind will always choose something that it believes is more pleasurable. Because most kids hate school and many aspects of there lives (chores, family, etc…) they would rather escape into technology because the mind sees this as something more pleasurable and the alternative as something painful.

The Solution

If you want to help your teenager not become addicted to video games or any technology escape, you need to be creative and help them see that THIS world is more pleasurable. The way you’re going to do this is by figuring out what they’re passionate about and creating a relevant education and environment to support their passion. Once they find their “thing” in life, the mind will define that as being more pleasurable and will not seek an escape refuge using technology.

Finding Balance

Our world is driven by technology and there is no way around this. The real issue here is finding balance between both worlds so that your teen doesn’t want to abuse their technology as an escape. This is about “how” your teenager uses technology. Are they playing the video games but are also excited about the next thing they’re going to do afterwards? Or, are they depressed and playing video games so they don’t have to face a life they’re not enjoying? Helping your teenager to find their balance is going to be crucial especially as our world becomes more technologically driven.

Rules

Some people like the idea of creating and enforcing rules like, telling your child they only get X amount of hours to play video games or use Facebook. Rules are great especially when you can enforce them. By telling your child that they only get one hour on Facebook and one-hour playing video games, you’re giving them some structure (but you need to be consistent in enforcing it).

However, rules only deal with the surface level issue and not the root cause. Wouldn’t you rather your child find their balance and have a healthy perspective on life rather than having to watch over them all the time and govern your rules? Parents hate having to keep after their kids and the reason why they have to is because they’re not helping their teenager find their own balance in life. So by all means, definitely set some rules and boundaries for them to follow and at the same time, empower them to be excited about life so they will naturally choose something else.

Talking With Your Teenager

It’s also very important that you have an open and honest talk with your teenager about your rules and why you want them to follow them. Don’t just say, “Because I said so” as that will get you nowhere fast. It’s imperative that they understand the good you are trying to do for them and show them how other people are hurting their lives when they are totally consumed by video games, Facebook, and technology. Help paint a picture for them as to why it’s more pleasurable for them to maintain a balance with technology and real life.

Energy

Everything in life is energy and this means that when your child has a lot of it, it needs to go somewhere. If you don’t help them discover somewhere they can put their energy, by default it will be directed to things like games and Facebook. So be proactive, creative and excited to help them discover who they really are! I promise that once they find something they’re good at and want to do, they will naturally gravitate toward it.

Exercise

If you have not done so already, make sure your teen is getting at least 90 minutes a day of physical exercise. We all sit on our butts now and this is why so many people are lethargic, depressed, overweight, and so on. It’s important that you instill in your teenager that they need to be active on a daily basis.

Make sure they’re in the sun for at least an hour a day as well because it helps to create a positive mood. You will notice that many people who are depressed are very pale because they never see the light of day. This is why people are much happier in tropical weather. So get them in the sun and make sure they are exercising and breaking a sweat!

Most importantly, “how” you go about getting them motivated or inspired is going to be crucial. You cannot force anything on your child. They must choose it for themselves

Lead By Example

And of course, make sure you’re leading by example. It’s going be hard to swallow your ideas if all they see you do is watch TV, surf the net and play on your computer all day. If you too have an issue with spending too much time in front of any screen, this is your opportunity to find a way to bond with your teen outside of the house.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is having problems at school and what you can do about it.

In it you will learn:

• Why so many teenagers hate school
• Why teens are unmotivated and how motivation works
• What you as a parent can do to support your teen
• Why it’s important that parents change their approach
• How the old school system is failing our nation
• The reason why smart kids are not excelling
• Your child has a very unique gift waiting to be unlocked
• How to teach your teen that school is everywhere

Overview

There are generally three reasons why kids struggle in school:

1. They are bored and unmotivated.

2. They are struggling with some emotional issues and it’s affecting their ability to focus.

3. Their attention span has been drastically impaired from spending too much time on social media, the Internet, or playing video games.

I am going to start with numbers 2 and 3 first as the solutions provided on this page are much shorter. Then I will expand on boredom and motivation.

2. Emotional Issues

If your teenager is struggling with emotional or mental health issues, then this will make it hard for them to focus or be interested in school and you will need to help them deal with these problems so that they can move on with their life.

See the related articles:

• How to deal with an angry teenager
• How to handle teen depression
• How to talk to your teen about drugs
• How to talk to your teen when they are out of control
• How to handle a rebellious teenager

Or, you can try getting them some counseling.

3. Short Attention Spans

If you believe the main reason your child is having problems because they have very short attention spans and the cause is technology (Internet, social media, smart phone, video games, etc.) then visit my lesson on technology addiction.

But if your teenager is just bored or unmotivated, continue reading…

Boredom & Motivation

“My kid is very smart but for some reason is not doing very well in school.”

Does that sound familiar to you?

I hear this from parents all the time.

Motivation is a very simple mechanism…

We are always motivated to move towards pleasure and move away from pain.

If your teenager is not motivated to go to school or does not want to do their homework, it is because they have not defined their education as being something that is pleasurable.

So how do you motivate them to want to do better in school?

Simple.

They have to see what is in it for them.

Teenagers live in the moment and have a very short sighted view of the world.

All they can see is that right now, school sucks and it brings them pain. They have not associated any pleasure with it. They don’t see any benefit for them in going.

And because they have such a short sighted view of the world, they don’t see what’s wrong with not going. Their limited worldview leads them to believe that its no big deal if they don’t go or don’t do well.

So if you want them to be more motivated to do well in school, then you are going to need to help them see the benefit.

Pushing Back

Here is something you need to keep in mind…

When your teen was ages 2 to 11, they pretty much did what you told them to do without question because they did not think for themselves. But once a child reaches the age of 12, they begin to take on their own independence. When this happens and they begin to think for themselves, eventually they will begin to fight/talk/push back (rebellion) when they don’t agree or like something.

If your teenager is having problems at school when it comes to studying and staying focused, you’re not alone. Millions of parents around the world are experiencing the same issue.

Some psychologists are calling this ADD or ADHD (Please note I do believe that ADD/ADHD are real conditions for some situations. Unfortunately in many circumstances when kids are just bored at school and not really afflicted by these conditions, they get lumped in there to push their medications/drugs.)

I call it…

“School is boring and teaching kids useless information they will hardly ever use so they become disinterested and unmotivated.”

That being said, I am not saying kids should not go to school.

School can provide a very important role such as teaching:

• Structure & discipline
• How to think clearly
• How to solve problems
• How to be responsible
• How to function in society

So it can serve a purpose.

But I’m sorry to tell you mom and dad but most schools, not all, are terrible at educating our youth and here is why…

Public school systems were developed by financiers and banker’s in the 1930’s. The factory industry was booming so they needed to create a bunch of carbon copy people who thought and acted the same way.

Students were being prepared to work in the factory so they didn’t encourage critical thinking or independent thought. They applied the same cookie cutter factory model that Ford used to build automobiles to crank out as many workers as possible in a seamless system.

As we know, China has most of our factory work now. And India and the Philippines is the best place to outsource remedial jobs such as admin work and phone clerks.

What does this mean for those of us in the rest of the world?

It means our strength is going to be dependent on our creativity and critical thinking. The issue here is that our school systems have not changed to reflect this. Because of how our school system was created, it’s causing our economy to suffer because our youth are not as creative at coming up with solutions or thinking for themselves.

The Old System Is Dying

Most parents dread to hear that their kids don’t want to go to school and get a degree. It’s been ingrained in our collective psyche that “We need to go to school, get a degree, and get a job”.

While going to school and getting a degree can benefit some, it may not be the best path for others. Believe it or not, there are other ways of creating a successful life. However, because this is really the only “game” in town, it’s understandable that most parents get nervous when their kids don’t want to follow suit.

So what is the real problem with school?

Kids Are Bored At School

Our public school systems, generally speaking (there are exceptions), are one of the main reasons why our world is struggling today because they’re not teaching anything interesting.

When your kids go to school, they’re bored out of their mind because what’s being taught is not relevant to whom they are, nor is it creative or engaging enough to keep them stimulated.

When they become bored and don’t have anything constructive to put their energy into (see the lesson on Boredom) they become destructive. This is why so many teenagers are misbehaving at school; they’re bored and don’t have anything constructive to put their energy into.

This is also why teenagers become addicted to technology, video games, and the Internet.

Kids Love To Learn!

The truth is, your teenager does like to learn.

Ever see them figure out a video game?

Does your child create videos on YouTube?

Are they a wiz on social media?

Can they fix their computer, cell phone, and other gadgets on their own?

It takes a smart person to figure some of those things out. In fact, chances are your teenager taught you some things about your computer or cell phone.

It’s not that your kids don’t like to learn, they just like to learn things they’re interested in. The real question we should be asking ourselves is this: How do we create an educational system relevant to what teenagers want to learn, and that keeps them engaged and productive while also preparing them for the real world?

Babysitting

Unfortunately because most parents have to work, they need their kid to be doing something during the day. This means that what most schools provide is babysitting.

And from my experience in the public school system (both personally and professionally), I can easily say that they barely even do that. I know its tough for most parents to have to not only work, but also help their teenager learn something so that they can be productive.

The challenge here is that if we leave it up to the public school system, well, we will continue to see high dropouts, low attendance, poor grades, wrongful ADHD diagnosis, and the destructive behaviors we see due to boredom.

Your Child Has A Unique Gift

So many parents are concerned because of the lack of motivation their child has in school. Remember, we all move towards what brings us pleasure and move away from what brings us pain.

If your child is bored at school and has “issues”, it is because school brings them pain. Unfortunately most parents try to force their kids to like school and that is not going to work. The only way to motivate your teenager is to help them discover what’s in it for them. What is going to bring them pleasure from doing their schoolwork?

As outlined in the Career and Life Purpose lesson of this site, every one of us has a unique gift to offer the world. It does not even have to be a major invention or business idea. It could just be as simple as “how” that person provides their service or does “their thing”.

If you truly want to empower your teenager and see them become very proactive in their education, the first step you have to take is help them explore and discover what it is that they’re passionate about in life. They need to find their one “thing” that they can sink their teeth into that keeps them driven and motivated. Just look at any person who loves what they do and you will see that you never need to motivate them.

Why?

The mind and soul needs something to focus on.

Having a project or “thing” anchors us to this world otherwise the mind wanders and we “drift”.

“Idle hands are the devils workshop.”

Excitement is the key to life. It acts as a compass needle and tells each individual:

“This is who you are.

This is your path in life.

Go this way.”

Because when someone is passionate about what they’re doing, their excitement is what will motivate them. It’s the natural juice in all of us that makes us jump out of bed ready to start the day.

Your job as your teenagers guide is to help them explore something that excites them a lot. It may take a few months of trial and error until you find it, but I promise it’s like a hidden gem ready to be discovered and polished. Once they do find it, it will become their “special project”.

Relevant Education

Once your teenager has discovered their one thing that drives and motivates them, then you need to help him or her create a relevant education around that. Whether it be having them research it online, reading books, meeting people who do what they want to do, enrolling them in another “outside” course, finding them a coach or mentor, and so on, you need to do the best you can to help surround them with as many “props” that are relevant to what excites them. Once they dive in, it will get the ball rolling so that other opportunities can present themselves through synchronicity.

Supporting Them

Although your teenager will be motivated and excited, this does not mean they won’t face some challenges along the way. This is where you need to be their coach and help them overcome these challenges. Because your teenager will be, for a lack of better terms, working “outside the system” to educate themselves, this means they will be in their school alone (unless they are enrolled in another type of program).

If you start to see them taper off with their special project, then do not take this as a sign that they’re not interested. It probably means they hit a roadblock or fear. You need to help them through this so they don’t give up. The first couple of years will be challenging so be ready to become their cheerleader and support them through their challenges so that they learn at an early age how to pick themselves up when they’ve fallen down.

Ask your teenager the following questions:

• What would you like to learn? Is there anything that interests you?
• What do you like about school?
• What do you dislike about school?
• What could your school be doing better to keep kids interested in learning?

Once they have answered these questions, you should be able to gage where they’re at mentally with learning and then you will need to be creative with how you support them.

College

I’m in no way saying that your kid should just drop out of school. Many parents want their teenager to move on to college and that’s fine. But first let me point out something that is VERY relevant for you as a parent…

Do you really want your kid wasting your money on college if they’re just going to be slacking off and bouncing around from one major to the next?

Do you know how many kids in college come out with their degree and never end up using it? Or changing majors after X amount of years?

That’s $50 – $100k down the drain.

There are many kids in college who have no idea how to apply what they’re learning. This is a waste of everyone’s money, time, and resources.

Find A Compromise

What you really want to do is strike a balance between a “public education” and a relevant “home education”. By acknowledging to your teenager that you understand that, for them, school is not that great and that you do not expect them to become a scholarly student, this will alleviate their pressures, which is one of the reasons why so many teenagers struggle.

Ideally you want to find a compromise where you get them to finish high school so that if they want to go to college later on, they have that option. Tell your teenager they don’t have to go to college right away if they don’t want to, but that they do need to be showing some growth in their “special project” by taking action. And, they need to get good enough grades so that they can go to college if they want.

Maybe later on they will find out that college would be relevant, or not. Maybe they will discover that they just need a vocational school. Or maybe they will discover that they would be best suited in an internship of some sorts.

But you need to find a compromise so that they don’t feel like there is no way out. You also need to find a compromise so that they’re motivated enough to want to finish high school. And the only way to do this is to give them “something” to look forward to. Otherwise they will drag their feet and drive you nuts!

Timeline

If you find that your teenager really lacks motivation and just can’t seem to get it together enough to find their “special gift” or put energy towards it, I would recommend that you give them a timeline and say by a certain date, they need to be ready to live on their own and pay their own bills.

But let me make this very clear, this should not be a threat. It needs to be said with love and compassion and not using fear as a mechanism to try and motivate them. The conversation can go something like this:

“It’s okay if you don’t want to learn or put time into something you care about and want to do with your life. But I want you to know by the time you are (this age), you need to be ready to live on your own and pay your own way. I’m more than happy to support you in getting started with your life in any way that I can, but at the same time, I cannot be your crutch and just let you get by while living at this house. If you need any help with your education or finding something to do, let me know.”

Also, this conversation should be a last resort. Meaning that you have tried to help them find their “special project” and you have also done the best you can to make sure they don’ have any anger or resentment issues that might be holding them down.

If you have truly done your best to support them in a neutral and loving way and they still seem to slack off, then its time that you put reality on their front door so that they know that at a certain point, they need to take action and that their life is in their hands.

The reason you don’t want to use fear as a mechanism is because this can create conflict and send them in a downward spiral. What really needs to happen is that they need to be confronted with reality from a loving and neutral space.

Because most parents fear their kids not becoming successful (and that it reflects poorly on them), they come from a fearful place. This is why so many parents struggle with this issue. They use fear to create more fear.

You want to use love and compassion to create opportunity, while at the same time, helping them wake up to the fact that they need to become proactive in their own life. You need to learn how to change the relationship dynamic with them so that they become self-motivated to be the driving force in their life while understanding that you are a resource they can use to support them along this journey.

But My Kid Is Really Out Of Control

If you are faced with a teenager who is exhibiting behavior that is beyond “normal boredom” from school, then there is something else going on with them. They probably have some unresolved anger or resentment that is keeping them from wanting to learn or being focused.

I have come across many teenagers who are so angry and frustrated with life that all they do is create more destructive behavior. The solution is that you need help them get it out. It’s an energy that’s inside them (literally) and it needs to come out. They need to find a way to vent their anger and frustration both verbally and physically. Once it’s all out and transformed, you will see your child become a different person.

School Is Everywhere

Asking good questions is the best school anyone can put himself or herself through. Every time I meet someone who is well educated in his or her “special gift”, I ask a lot of questions.

From a one-hour conversation I can learn so much more than an entire year at some public school. You want to teach your child how to start asking good questions and pay attention to what is going on in all of life.

Every moment we are alive we’re in school. Just by paying attention, listening, and asking good questions we can educate people far more than most schools can. Teach your teenager how to ask good questions and they will always be learning.

I have a friend who went to Stanford (one of the top business schools in the world) and when I asked him about his education, while he did say it was valuable, he said he learned more from a one-hour meeting with a major business executive, where he was allowed to ask ten questions, then his entire time at Stanford.

Teach your children how to ask good questions and listen well and they will educate themselves on a daily basis.

My Story

Growing up as a child I was a mess…angry, rebellious, did poorly in school, overweight, stole things, etc.

Raised by a single parent (my mom), she was a nervous wreck and almost had me taken away.

But once I found my passion everything began to come into place because I finally had something constructive to put my energy into.

I finally had something that anchored my mind and soul to this world because I had a purpose and reason to do well in life.

When this happened, my mom no longer had to chase after me to do things for myself. I began to do them on my own because I became self motivated.

Your Situation

Here’s how I see it…

What you really want as a parent is to see your child become self motivated, responsible, focused, and on their path towards becoming a healthy young adult and you think school will do that.

And while school might help, it may not be the best way to get your child on this path.

This is why its so important to

A. Change the relationship dynamic with them so that they become self-motivated to lead their own life so that you are not constantly worried and chasing after them.

and

B. Help them find something they can be passionate about.

I highly recommend you take some time to pay attention to people’s stories about how they changed their lives, overcame certain obstacles, and came from nothing to become highly successful (rags to riches stories).

There are many people who discuss how they were a mess and that once they found their “calling” everything changed. Even if you are Christian/Muslim/Jewish you know that once people find “God’ it changes their life. From my perspective, love, joy and excitement is how God works.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Ecstasy – How to talk to your teen about using ecstasy aka MDMA or “Molly”

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is rebelling and what you can do to regain control of the situation.

In it you will learn:

• What rebellion actually is
• How you as a parent might have played a role
• A step-by-step guide on how you can turn it around
• The difference between anger, rebellion, and being out-of-control

Overview

In addressing teen rebellion, it is important to get to the root cause of what it actually is because the way most parents define it is not entirely accurate. Many people define rebellion as a teenager being angry and trying to go against the grain.

While these are symptoms of rebellion, they’re not the root cause of it. If you want to get to the root cause of why teenagers rebel, then you have to ask “Why?” Why are so many teenagers pissed off? Why do teenagers behave in destructive and erratic ways?

It is also important that you understand that rebellion is phase two of anger. Generally speaking, a teenager will become angry first. If their anger is not resolved or addressed, then they act out by rebelling. It is the first stages of them trying to address it but they do not know how to do so in a constructive manner. If their rebellion phase is not neutralized, then they will become out-of-control.

So what exactly is rebellion?

Rebellion is when anyone (regardless of age) is told whom and how to be in any particular situation without being included in the decision making process. Rebellion is when you force your beliefs and definitions on to your child and expect them to create a life they may not want. It’s when we’re “controlled” and so the natural affect from this is rebellion. It’s like a rubber band; you can only pull so hard until it pulls back.

Teenagers generally rebel against their parents, school, society, religion, or anything that is structured in a manner that “forces” them to be something they are not. But since this course focuses on the parent-teen relationship, I will address teenagers rebelling against their parents.

If your teenager is angry and rebelling, this is what they’re saying to you:

“I’m pissed off because you keep trying to control me”.

But let me do a better job of communicating to you what they really want to say:

“Mom and/or Dad,

Thank you for caring about me. I appreciate the fact that you’re doing the best you can in trying to help me. But because you have a fear-based agenda in how you are approaching me, it hurts my feelings. I would really appreciate it if you would just accept me as I am, stop trying to control me, and then try to support me in what it is I’m trying to do. I understand that I do need to follow some rules and that you need to set boundaries for my own good. But I would also appreciate it if you would allow me to make my own mistakes and stop approaching me from a fear-based perspective. All this does is make me more scared and this is why I react the way I do. Will you please stop projecting your own fears and agenda onto me? Will you please stop controlling me and let me live my life?”

Can you “hear” your child now? This is what they are really saying to you but do not have the skill set to do so.

As a parent, you need to understand that there is nothing you can do to “fix your kid”. The whole idea that parents have in trying to control the situation doesn’t work. All this does is push them away, makes them lose respect for you, and creates friction and conflict. You need to embrace the idea of accepting wherever your child is at and do the best you can to guide them along their process. Because just like you’re on your own process of maturing and figuring things out, so is your teenager.

Having An Agenda

Because you are creating a neutral space for your child to explore life, you need to let go of any agenda you may have. Only then will they begin to listen to anything you have to say. When a teenager or young adult hears anyone in authority speak to them with an agenda, they can smell it a mile away. As soon as they sense this, it sends them into a fight or flight mode because it is not providing them a neutral space for them to just be. That is what rebellion really is.

In fact, you have this same capability in you as well. It’s just that as you have gotten older, your ability to fight has weakened and because you need to “pay the bills”; your focus has been more on survival. But I am sure at some recent point someone has tried to force his or her beliefs or way of thinking on you and I am sure you did not like it. Of course, you did not rebel as a teenager would. But this is why it is important that you remember that your teenager is just starting to get a grip with their emotions so they just don’t have the skills to be calm and see all angles of what is really happening in a rational way.

Boot Camps: Hitting Rock Bottom

It breaks my heart to see so many of these military and boot camps thriving with business. These are just parents who have given up and thrown away their kids like dogs and cats to animal shelters. “I have no idea what to do so let it be someone else’s problem”. Below I outline a step-by-step process for how to address this but I want to point out that the two main reasons why boot camps work is because:

1. It provides the space for the teenager to get out their aggression through physical labor.
2. It gives them structure and discipline that helps them create a new pattern in their life.

These are things you can do as well without having to spend tens of thousands of dollars. But it does require your time and effort. While military and boot camps can help with some kids who are dealing with anger and rebellion issues, it sends a clear signal to them that you have given up and don’t know what to do. Sadly, it also sends the signal that you don’t want or love them. Another thing you should be aware of is that boot camps teach discipline through the use of fear, control, and domination. This is not a healthy and balanced way to learn discipline.

As I use the Dog Whisperer as an example, “troubled teenagers” are just the out of control pit bulls and Rottweiler’s. They got there because of their owners (parents), not because they were born this way. This is not about blaming or saying it’s the parent’s fault. This is just showing you that this is the extreme type of “reflection” your child is teaching you. They’re saying, “Look at how you have (or have not) dealt with me all my life. Look at the life and environment you have created for me. You have created such a negative environment and not given me the type of love or attention I need, now I have to be sent away for someone else to try and deal with me”.

If you really pay attention to what a boot camp does, all it is are people who spend time with your kids giving them structure and attention while creating an environment in which they’re supported to act in healthy ways (albeit they do it in an angry and militant way). The amount of teenagers in these types of camps is just one of many examples as to how many parents would rather buy their way out instead of spending the time to raise their kids on their own.

If you are at your wits end with your teenager, then chances are you have considered a boot camp (and probably did not enroll them because you did not have the money). Either way, if you’ve gotten to this point it’s a clear reflection of the fact that you have not put the time into being with your teen and guiding them along their process. If they’re so out-of-control it ‘s because they’ve never learned any boundaries nor did they have a positive role model to look up to. This is where you really need to be honest with yourself about issues you may have and heal them first before you try and take on the issues with your teenager. I cannot be specific as to how to address this since each one of you will have different issues you’re facing and need to heal.

Focus On the Root Cause

As with any issue you address with your teenager, you must focus on the root cause. The reason anyone will rebel is because they are upset and do not know how to deal with their emotions. If your teenager is rebelling, then they are angry for a reason and you need to focus on this reason, not the behaviors. Before any healing can take place, your child needs to get their frustration out of them. Once they have, then you can work on your healing process.

Here is a step-by-step action plan:

Step 1 – Release the Emotions
Help your teen in some way to get their emotions out on the table and get them out of their system.

Step 2 – Neutralize the Situation
Once their emotions are out, you need to create a calm and centered environment where a new direction can take form.

Step 3 – Redefine the Relationship
Depending on whether they are rebelling against you, school, or society, you need to help them redefine their relationship in a win-win manner so that they can move forward with their lives in a healthier way. For example, if they are rebelling against you then you need to understand why they are upset at you and then redefine your relationship addressing their concerns. If they are rebelling towards school then you need to help them come up with a new solution as to how they will become educated if they do not like the school they are in. Whatever they are rebelling against, you need to help them redefine their relationship with it so they do not act out with destructive behavior.

Step 4 – Be Consistent
In the beginning stages, your teenager will be very “raw” with their emotional state and because they are moving in a new direction, anything can and will set them off. It is important that you help create a consistent environment where new patterns can be laid down that are fair and reasonable for all involved.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Ecstasy – How to talk to your teen about using ecstasy aka MDMA or “Molly”

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is interested in doing psychedelics and what you as a parent can do to keep them safe.

In it you will learn:

• The type of teen that uses psychedelics
• How concerned you should be
• The different types of these drugs
• How they affect the mind and body
• How to best approach the situation
• A sample talk you can have with your teen

Introduction

I will first discuss the different types of psychedelics your teenager may be using, what effect they might have on them, how concerned you should be, and how to talk to your teenager about them.

Types Of Psychedelics

Types: Mushrooms, LSD, & DMT

Concern Level: 6

I have combined these three substances into one lesson because even though they’re different chemically speaking, your teenager’s frame of mind is the same regardless of which one they ingest. It’s important to understand that these substances are not drugs per se. While the government technically defines them as such, they all derive from natural components already growing in nature.

Mushrooms

Native Americans and many other tribal groups in Central and South America use these natural fungi as a form of ritual as they believe it puts them in touch with other worlds. I’m not going to get on a spiritual or philosophical soapbox since that is not what this course is about. But mushrooms do provide a way for humans to learn more about the meaning of life and to develop a stronger relationship with your spirit.

Here are some basic factoids:

1. What causes the mushrooms to cause hallucinations are the psilocybin that has grown on the mushroom.

2. Mushrooms are not very common with most teenagers but some take them.

3. The effects of taking mushrooms lasts up to four hours and typically send the person on an inner journey where they can explore the nature of reality, their emotions, and their sense of self.

4. Mushrooms are not addictive.

5. It’s better to take mushrooms in a tea than to eat them because mushrooms can cause an upset stomach and affect peoples experience in a negative way.

LSD (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) aka “Acid”

LSD is another hallucinogen that is derived from the rye plant. When ingested it will have similar affects to mushrooms and take the individual on a hallucinogenic journey. What people see is a fractal world where everything is broken down. It’s been said that what a person sees on acid is actually more real than what we see with our own eyes (did you know there’s a chemical in your brain that stops you from seeing the entire world as it really is?).

The effects of LSD can last around ten to twelve hours. If the person taking them has some form of inner conflict or is in a bad state of mind, they can go on a “bad trip”. A bad trip is when all your suppressed emotions come to the surface. So in many ways, it’s actually a good trip. Just depends on how you look at it.

LSD is not addictive. The only concern you should have is if your teen is not in a safe place or if they are taking it while their psychological makeup is unstable.

DMT (Dimethyltryptamine)

DMT is the other hallucinogen that teenagers and young adults take. The irony about this substance is that our brain (via the pineal gland) already produces this substance. While there are many technical reasons that this substance is different from mushrooms and LSD, to go into further detail about it would be an entirely different course.

DMT is not addictive and in terms of safety, the same applies here as with mushrooms and LSD – safe environment and the person’s psychological make-up should be stable.

Why Your Kid Will Like Psychedelics

Most teenagers who take psychedelics are doing it to get high and feel euphoric. The “trip” they’re on helps them perceive the world in an altered state and makes them giggle and laugh a lot. It can also be a bonding experience for your teenager and his or her friends.

If your teenager is taking psychedelics, then the chances are they’re very smart and don’t fit into school. Most teenagers who take them are generally “rebels” and go against the grain of society. They read a lot of books, have lots of questions, and are very artistic. Chances are if your one of those parents that say, “My kid is really smart but for some reason does not do well in school”, then your teenager has a high probability for taking psychedelics. The reason why they’re smart and don’t fit into school is because they think outside the box.

The Truth

Other then potentially taking too much, not being in a safe environment, or being psychologically unstable, psychedelics are not harmful and you do not need to be as concerned. Psychedelics are a psychological experience and it will challenge the mind and ego. Ideally if your teenager is taking them they should be doing so in a safe, natural, and ritualistic manner where they are respecting the “elements”. Ideally they should have a guide with them who can talk them through the experience.

The Downside

Psychedelics are a serious hallucinogen and deal with a person’s psyche. If the person is unstable emotionally it will bring this experience out in their “trip” and make them face it. If they don’t know how to “go with it” and face their issue, this can turn into a bad trip which means your teenager can go to a dark place mentally until they are talked through it or the affects wear off. Because psychedelics deal with the human psyche, what they actually do is resurface what the individual has suppressed in their subconscious mind forcing them to have to look closely at it. If they’re not able or ready to deal with these emotions, it can affect them negatively. This is what is meant by “bad trip”.

The Upside

If taken responsibly and your teenager has a good experience, it can help them grow as a person. They will feel much stronger and more able to deal with other issues in life because they will have gained some inner perspective. As noted above, many indigenous tribes have used similar substances as part of their “vision quests”. It’s a normal part of their culture and each member of the tribe uses it as a right of passage and opportunity to learn more about themselves and life.

Approaching the Situation

First and foremost your energy and thoughts should be calm and centered remembering your unconditional love for your child. I highly suggest that you’re straightforward with your teenager and say something to the effect of:

“I know that if you want to take psychedelics you can and there is nothing I can do about it. I prefer that you hold off until a later age to try it if you’re going to try it. But if you’re going to try it now, here are some of the pros and cons of doing it (then discussing the points I mention above along with any other research you find as you educate yourself as much as possible on the subject). Keep in mind that psychedelics are mental and visual drugs and if you’re not in a good place mentally it can bring on a bad trip. Also, if you’re going to try it please do it somewhere where you’re safe and that you don’t drive and don’t do anything where you will harm someone else. If you do get in trouble or cause damage you will need to suffer those consequences. I love you no matter what and as mentioned, here is why I prefer you to not do it”.

The other thing to keep in mind is to make sure you guys have a good relationship and that if you have any issues, try and resolve them because this substance will make your child feel very emotional if you do not have a good relationship. Psychedelics are very psychological and will bring up any issues your child has to face with their life and relationships.

See also…

• Drugs
• Ecstasy
• Hard Drugs
• Marijuana
• Prescription Drugs

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn how to address the issue of your teenager wanting to be out all night and partying.

In it you will learn:

• Why this is an important stage in their life
• How you can prepare them to be safe
• What you can do to keep the lines of communication open
• Why you need to face your fears as a parent
• How to set boundaries without pushing your teenager away

Preface

During my youth I partied very hard for almost 15 years.

When I was 14 years old I began drinking, smoking pot, taking drugs (LSD, mushrooms, MDMA, coke, etc), and would stay out until 8am in the morning going to rave parties.

When I was 16 I began throwing these illicit rave parties myself and was heavily involved in this industry for 10 years.

So when it comes to partying, I have seen it all.

And what I can tell you as a parent with absolute certainty is that while although you do not want to let your child do whatever they want, you also want to make sure you have a solid relationship with them while they go through this phase so that they don’t hide things from you.

You need to make sure that you have a good enough relationship with them so that you can do your best to keep them safe.

Introduction

Ah, what parent doesn’t like to see their kids go out all night, get hammered, act stupid, dress absurdly, and cause all kinds of trouble that keeps you up all night?

Good times!

Ok, in case you cannot tell I was being facetious.

The truth is that almost all kids from the ages of 14 – 32 are going to be in a phase where their entire life is structured around partying. Unless your child is an introvert academic, chances are your child will spend the next ten or more years devoting their life to going out with their friends and causing all sorts of trouble.

So what’s the solution?

Acceptance

You just need to accept the fact that your teenager wants to go out and have a good time with their friends. When people are at this phase (“phase” being the keyword) of their life their entire identity revolves around it.

The “weekend” is where teenagers feel that they can finally “release” some of the tension and pressures of their week from school or work. The danger of you not accepting this part of their life is rebellion.

If you try to keep them locked up in their room or impose some extreme curfew on them, they will rebel because they will feel boxed in and their energy will eventually build up until it explodes. So you need to come to terms with the fact that they will be partying.

Now this does not just mean you should let them do whatever they want.

Of course there should be boundaries.

I’ll get into options and approaches in a moment.

Facing Your Fears

Most parents who try to shelter their kids from partying do so because of their fears. Whether they fear their child getting too drunk, hurt, lost, or causing some form of harm, all resistance to parents not allowing their kids to go party stems from some form of fear.

On the one hand, these fears are understandable. You see horror stories on the news or “Daddy’s little girl” on Girls Gone Wild. Any parent would dread to see their kid end up like this.

However, the truth is that what most parents see as being damaging is such a small percentage. Your teenager has a bigger chance of getting into a car accident than something really bad happening at a party.

The real issue parents must face is the fact that they’re not arming their children with good skills and preparedness so that when they do go out, they can do so in a safe way. And since most parents deep down know they have been inadequate with teaching their child how to party responsibly, this is their real fear.

Teaching Responsibility

Because you do need to accept the fact that your teenager is going to party (once they are 18 you can’t stop them), your best bet is to embrace this fact and teach them good morals and balanced skills so that they are empowered to make good choices.

Step 1 – Have A Good Relationship

When teenagers have a poor relationship with their parents where they feel bitter towards you, this is where most kids get into trouble at parties. Because they’re hurt or angry with their parents, they will act out in ways at these events and that is where the trouble happens. If you want to help keep your kids safe at parties, have a great relationship with them so they wont use it as an opportunity to act out.

Step 2 – Drinking Responsibly

While it’s a nice idea to think that your kids are not going to drink until they are 21, that’s not going to happen. Alcohol is easy to get and all parties have them. In fact, no party is actually defined as a “party” unless it has alcohol at the very least. So just accept the fact that when your teenager tells you, “I’m going to a party”, what they are really saying is, “I’m going to hang out with a bunch of people where there is loud music and alcohol”.

Your safest bet is to teach them how to drink responsibly and here are the most important factors:

• Never mix alcohol – It’s very important that your teenager stick to one type of alcohol. It’s the mixing that gets people into trouble
• Drink water – For every eight ounces of alcohol they drink they should also drink eight ounces of water so they are not dehydrated. It’s the dehydration that gets people sick.
• Have food in your stomach – If anyone drinks on an empty stomach they can get sick much easier because there is no food to absorb it. So tell your teenager to have eaten something.
• EmergenC – There is a product called “EmergenC” where you can put in your water and it gives you a quick boost of vitamins and minerals. Alcohol robs the body of these important nutrients that can also cause sickness in young people. Tell your child to put the EmergenC in their water in between drinks. It will help replenish their system so they don’t get too tipsy.

Acting Out Of Control

Seeing kids act stupid and out of control is the worse thing to watch at a party. But the truth is that this person is acting this way because this is how they already feel regardless of the party or alcohol. It’s just that the party environment is more conducive for them to “let it out”. If you have ever seen someone act belligerent at a party, you will see that they almost change as a person. Once again, it’s because the party environment makes that person feel more comfortable to let it out. So why do people behave this way?

If you do not want your teenager to act out in this way then it’s important that you have a good relationship and instilled some good values in them so that they don’t feel the need to rebel or act out in this way. If your child has a good head on their shoulders then no matter how much alcohol they drink they will not act this way. Sure, they could get sick but they won’t act like an ass.

That being said, for the sake of discussion lets play devils advocate and assume for a moment that you and your child have a great relationship and have a solid head on their shoulders; and still act out in this way. Then use this as an opportunity for them to learn and grow from it. Don’t judge or punish them. If you use this experience for them to “look at it” so they can learn and grow from it, you stand a better chance of them not repeating it again later.

What most parents do is see their child act like this, freak out, and then try and lock them up in their room. What will happen when they are 18 and you can’t stop them? Then what? Personally speaking I have seen people in very high stature jobs that work for very well known fortune 500 companies and act like an ass when they’re drunk. It’s as if they never grew up. Here they are in their late thirties early forties and they are acting like a child. It’s because his or her parents never taught them how to create balance in their life that these types of situations occur, and because they have some deep-rooted emotional issues they have not dealt with. Basically, they do not have a strong sense of self.

Of course at parties, people are going to let loose and have fun and that is the whole point. But there is a difference and fine line between having fun and acting like an ass and you need to teach your child that line so they know how not to cross it. Once you instill this in them and help them explore healthy choices while still being able to enjoy themselves, then you can let go and not worry so much.

Drugs

At some point or another, drugs will be available at a party. I have created an entire section on drugs and you can read up on this subject here. That being said, the short answer is the same: Have a good relationship with your kids and they won’t get into too much trouble. Please notice I’m NOT saying they won’t do drugs. What I am saying is that if you have a positive relationship with them they won’t abuse them in a way to rebel or suppress their emotions. Whether you agree with this or not, there are people in the world who can take drugs, enjoy themselves, and be healthy and balanced people.

Sex

Another fear most parents face is the sex issue that can come up at parties. Because I have dedicated an entire module to sex and dating I won’t go into too many details about this topic here. However, I do want to point out some significant points and I will do so from a male and female perspective:

Boys

Most boys (not all) go to parties to “get laid”. It’s in their DNA and is part of their “hunting” ritual. For most guys, if they do not “pick up” on a girl when they go out they feel like a failure. This is a very sad state of affairs for guys because they associate partying with getting laid instead of just going out to be social and have a good time. The other negative side of this is that most guys learn through this process to treat woman like a piece of meat or to view them as objects that are just there for their pleasure.

If you have a son, then start the process of teaching him that if he goes out to a party, to enjoy it as a social experience where he can meet new people, listen to great music, and have fun. Ideally you want to show him this side of partying. Otherwise by default he will just see it as a “hunt”.

Girls

On the other hand, girls love to go to parties to have a good time. They love to dress up, see their friends, hear great music, and cause some trouble. Sexually speaking, while girls this age are not necessarily looking to “hook up”, what they’re looking for can be just as detrimental; attention. If your daughter has low self-esteem then she will use parties, not to have sex, but as a way to get attention. And to be more specific, she will dress up in revealing clothes so that guys look at her. Because of this, the aggressive guys will come on very strong, be mean and rude because they’re after one thing, and whether she chooses to have sex or not, she will experience the repercussions of this emotionally and psychologically because she will have created the scenario where she believes the only way for her to get attention is to go out and have guys try and pick up on her.

If you have a daughter and dread the fact that guys could approach her in this way, first and foremost do not react with fear. Your daughter has to learn at some point that this is how most (not all) men are. But more importantly, if you have a good relationship with your daughter and you have taught her how to feel validated and loved for positive reasons, she will not seek attention or validation in this way. The only girls that tend to do this are ones that do not have any other talents or gifts going on so they rely on their default attributes; their sexuality.

Curfew

Depending on your child’s age, it is a good idea to have a curfew. That being said, you also need to understand that when kids are having a good time, time is irrelevant and gets lost in the moment. So when kids are late, they’re not disrespecting you. It’s just that in the world of partying, clocks are thrown out the window and it’s VERY hard to keep track of time. All week kids are on a strict time schedule with school and work and this gives them stress. So the last thing they want to look at is a clock while they are partying.

Curfews are also a great opportunity to teach your teenager that how responsibly they behave around the house, school, and other tasks will reflect in the curfew you give them. Because you want your teenager to learn responsibility as soon as possible, and because they want their freedoms as soon as possible, this is a great opportunity for you to show your teenager that how they behave responsibly will be a direct correlation with the types of freedom they get.

It’s also important that you’re fair about this and actually give them some space and freedom when they behave responsibly. At the same time, if they fall down and mess up, you can’t react and shut the doors on their freedom because of one mistake. This is VERY hard for most parents because whatever circumstances you’re dealing with are so emotional and frightening that most tend to shut down and want to keep their kids on a short leash. This will backfire not only in how your relationship continues, but as they get older they will not have learned how to become more responsible. This is why it’s important that you learn to find your balance in allowing your child to fall down and make mistakes.

Call Me

Because there is so much distance between parents and teenagers, most kids do not feel like they can call their parents for help when something does come up for fear of retribution. This is VERY dangerous because it’s during the partying phase of a kid’s life where they’re exploring boundaries. Chances are in some way, shape, or form, your kid will come up against a situation where they’re going to need to call you. But if they feel like they can’t, they’re left alone and the situation they’re in can get a whole lot worse.

If you want to keep your child safe during this phase, make sure it’s clear that they can not only call you, but they do not need to have any fear of shame or retribution. Now let me make this clear, this does not mean they will not suffer any consequences. It also does not mean that you might have to pull back a notch on their leash. But the real difference is in how you do this. You want your child to learn from the situation so it does not happen again. You want them to be able to feel like they can call you and that you can help them. So you need to find your balance in being open and supportive, while at the same time they know that they might have to take a step back in their freedom level until they have shown they are ready for more.

Escapism

Another side effect of partying that you need to look for is if your teenager obsesses over them. Many kids (and adults) obsess over parties because it is their escape. Because many individuals in society do not like there “day-to-day” lives, they will use parties as a form of escape. This can all be moot if your child has a strong sense of enjoyment with what it is they’re doing in life. But if they don’t enjoy what they are doing, then it’s more probable that they can go down this path. If they’re using partying as an escape, help them create a more fulfilling life so they no longer want to escape from it.

Mistakes Will Happen

No matter how perfect you are as a parent, and no matter how good your child may be, mistakes might happen. Teenagers are still finding their footing when it comes to choices and how to decipher situations and people. When your kid says, “I’m going out”, what you really need to see is that they are exploring the world. Imagine if we were living in the jungle (which we actually are) and your kid wanted to venture out. The only thing you can do is prepare them for what may come. Once they encounter some situations, then you need to help them explore what they experienced so they can learn from it. This way each time they go out they will improve their decision making process. But in the beginning, just remember that the world is VERY new to them and they are still figuring things out.

This is especially true when they are meeting new people. Where a lot of kids get in trouble is when they are out and interacting with people they do not know. Because they lack the skills to be able to gauge whether someone is a “good person” or “bad person”, some kids can get into trouble by default because they end up with the wrong crowd. If this happens, you need to use this as an opportunity to teach your child about human behavior and why people act the way they do. It is important that they start learning now how to tell if someone is a genuine person or if they are malicious. But if you punish them and don’t allow them into the world to learn, how do you expect them to be able to gauge these things when they get older?

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenager is overweight and what you can do to help them get healthy.

In it you will learn:

• How we use food as a drug
• Why diets fail most of the time
• The real reason why teenagers become overweight
• The importance of teaching your teenager to create a healthy lifestyle
• How to approach your teenager without pushing them away
• A sample talk you can have with your child

Easy Supply

Because junk foods are the easiest drugs to get in the world, then it’s going to be imperative that you teach your child at an early age how not to get sucked into this world. These foods are so inexpensive and in high supply that it’s impossible not to come across them. If you take a look at any major grocer (even natural food chains), over 80% of the food they sell is actually not real food. What I mean by this is that they lack any proper nutritional value.

Food Is Enjoyable

When I recently chose to mainly eat raw and vegan foods, what hit me was how much society is structured around eating. Everything we do when we get together is about eating. I lived in NYC for three years and had a great opportunity to feast on some of the best foods in the world. The restaurants there are amazing and there is a cornucopia of delectable delights that can keep any foodie entertained for life.

That being said, if your child grows up associating food with pleasure, it’s much harder for them to eat healthier and find their balance. There is a saying that goes, “I eat to live, not live to eat” which has a lot of truth to it. Once again, I’m not saying that food cannot be enjoyable because it is. Events like Thanksgiving, birthdays, and other occasions are great ways for people to get together and share company with each other. The challenge is that we have associated food with pleasure instead of people with pleasure. A good friend once asked me, “Are we getting together because of food or our company?”

It’s important for you to instill in your child that while food can be enjoyable, IT’s not the reason people get together. People should be the reason that we get together.

Pleasure vs. Pain

Since food is so pleasurable, the challenge most people face is redefining what brings them pleasure. Remember, all humans are motivated by what brings them pleasure and if your child defines food as their source of pleasure versus living a healthy life, they can get stuck on this path until “something” knocks them off of it.

Emotions & Boredom

Beside the chemical addiction of foods and easy access to them, the main reason that kids become overweight is that they’re using the pleasure of food to suppress their emotions. Most kids are so bored that they’re not getting the pleasure they need from life. They use food as a way to compensate for these missing feelings. So what’s the solution?

As outlined in most of this course, you need to help your teenager find other things to bring them excitement and passion in their life. When I was a child my entire diet consisted of cookies, burgers, coke, ice cream, and so on. When I found my passion in life and became active with it, my cravings for these foods were less and less. I still remember the day I approached my mom and asked her about being healthier. It was the beginning of the end of the cycle because I began to move away from eating in this manner.

If you want to ensure that your teenager doesn’t go overboard with sweets and that they don’t become overweight, help them find their passion in life so they will spend their time on something more constructive rather then destructive. In other words, help them find the “sweet” part of their life.

A Healthy Lifestyle

Being healthy is all about lifestyle and you don’t get there through some crash diet. People tend to think when they’re overweight that they can just do some type of “program”, lose the weight, and then go back to eating how they were. This does not work and it’s why so many programs fail. The truth is, many of these advertised programs know this but won’t say it because if they told you the truth, “You need to change your entire life”, it would be too much for you to handle and you wouldn’t purchase their product or service. Look around at these items and you will see that people love “quick fixes” and items where they don’t have to invest a lot of time or effort to lose their weight (hence liposuction, lap band, diet pills, and so on).

In empowering your teen, help them to create a healthy and balanced lifestyle so that it becomes part of their normal pattern. The word “lifestyle” is just another way of saying “pattern”. It needs to be something they chose on a daily basis and not when they become overweight.

What If My Child Is Already Overweight?

If your teenager or young adult is already overweight, then you need to help them begin their healing process. There are a few core reasons as to why they’re overweight, but either way you need to be positive, supportive, and not make them feel worse or self-conscious about their challenge. The biggest mistake parent’s make when they want to help their child lose weight is to make it a big deal. This adds pressure and makes them want to hide under their covers.

Step 1 – Love Them Unconditionally & Stay Neutral

The first thing you need to do is tell them that you would love to support them however you can and that you will not force anything upon them. By letting them know that you’re there to help when they’re ready, you have shown them the open door and they must walk through it on their own. If they feel pressure it will just backfire because no one likes to be forced into anything. They need to feel like they have a neutral space in which they can explore their choices. They must choose to become healthy on their own which will be a very empowering experience for them.

When you present them with unconditional love and provide a neutral space so that they can decide for themselves when to start making changes, it will remove some of their fears and insecurities and increase the chances of them moving into a healthier direction. You must be “authentic” with your unconditional love. If there is any fear, worry, or control hiding in there, they can tell.

Another thing you need to keep in mind is that when a person who is overweight has people telling them they should lose weight, they feel vulnerable and shame. They know better than anyone else that they “let themselves go” and already live with their own shame and guilt. When you make a big deal of it or call it to their attention, it makes their negative inner dialogue even worse.

Step 2 – Lead By Example

They need to see you living a healthy and happy life. Your child needs to see that this type of life is much more pleasurable. Remember, everything we do is based upon pleasure. Right now your child has defined food as more pleasurable than life itself. When they see you living a “fulfilled” life, they will eventually follow suit.

The best way I learned how to live and eat healthy was by watching my mom. She went on to become a nutritionist and natural health practitioner and by watching her do what she did, I slowly but surely came around and followed suit. You will need to take an honest look at yourself to see if you’re doing a good job of leading by example. If not, then isn’t it time to make some changes in your life?

Step 3 – Facing Emotions

The root cause of anyone becoming overweight has to do with emotions. When we have something we do not want to look at and suppress it in our stomachs, we use food as a way to cover it up so we don’t have to look at it. To make a long lasting change in your child’s life, you’re going to need to get to the root cause of this issue and help them transform their emotional issues. This may require therapy, life coaching, or some form of interaction where he or she can address these emotions. But just know, that unless you deal with the emotions first, everything else is just a band-aid.

Step 4 – Healthy Alternatives

We live in a great time now where there are some great tasting foods that are not as bad as junk food. As outlined, the chemicals in junk food are drugs. Right now your child does have an addiction to either processed sugar or salt. You can help to wean them off slowly by finding healthy alternatives. Go into any natural market like Whole Foods and you will find a plethora of options. There are great chocolates, cookies, ice creams, pasta, and other normal junk food that has far less of the addictive substances in them.

Remember, being healthy is about mind, body, and soul. You need to approach the situation from all sides.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

Need help with your teen?

If you have been asking yourself “What can I do about my out of control teenager?” or “What to do when your teenagers is out of control?”, then in this lesson you are going to learn how to handle and deal with this situation whether its your son or daughter.

In it you will learn:

• The root cause of why teenagers become defiant
• How to neutralize the situation so that they don’t continue down this path
• A step-by-step process in helping to bring your teenager back
• How you as a parent might have played a role
• Why hitting rock bottom can be a good thing
• The two options you have and what they look like

Overview

It’s one of the questions I get asked a lot by parents when their teenager is out of control. Whether it has to do with anger, food, video games, drugs, or any other “device” or abusive actions their teenager has used to lash out, what can a parent do once their teenager has entered into a downward spiral?

Please note this is the “rock bottom” phase of anger. First a teenager becomes angry. Second, they rebel. Third, they hit rock bottom and spin “out-of-control”. So while there may be some similarities in the anger and rebellion lessons, please keep in mind that this is a much different phase.

The Three Phases

To give you an example, if your teenage daughter is exuding these behaviors, then the first step was that she was acting rude and obnoxious. She would not listen to you; her grades at school may start to slip; and she may have been a bit snippy. If she is rebelling then she is talking back to you, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and dressing much differently. But if she is out-of-control, then she is sleeping around and acting like a slut, cutting herself, becoming overweight, never in school, and acting “crazy”.

This is why I separated Anger, Rebellion, and Out-Of-Control because each will require a different approach.

Why?

First it’s important to understand why they have gone down this path. Remember that the only reason anyone chooses this type of behavior is because an environment has been established where it’s more probable for him or her to do so. You need to realize that anytime someone lashes out (regardless of age), it’s because of how they feel inside and their outward actions are a subconscious way for them to experience what they feel like on the inside. Everything starts from within and our outer world reflects our inner world.

Ask yourself, “Why is my child so angry, sad, hurt, and/or confused?” Chances are there is something specific going on that is causing it and until you get to the “root cause”, every approach will be putting band aides over the symptoms. Some of the causes could be:

• Does not feel a sense of belonging.
• Has not been put in touch with their strengths in life.
• Feels unloved and unwanted.
• Feelings of inadequacy.
• Has unresolved issues and anger building up inside of them.
• Does not feel heard or validated by others.

Remember the only difference between being angry and out-of-control is that the root issue has been going on for so long and it has gone unresolved that its now at the rock bottom stage.

What To Do

As humans, almost all challenges we face have to do with a sense of self worth in some shape or form. How that plays out through the set of props on the stage of life is different for each one of us but the root cause is pretty much the same. Once you have explored some of the “whys”, then you basically have two options:

1. Direct intervention.
2. Wait it out.

Below we will take a closer look at the pros and cons of both options.

1. Direct Intervention
If you want to intervene with your child and stop the madness, you need to be prepared to take on the responsibility of what comes with this choice. It means that your teen’s entire life structure is going to change drastically and you will be responsible for helping them to build a new template for their life. In most cases, teenagers and young adults are sent away to either some boot camp or clinic.

The reason this method can work (although there are many cases of relapses) is that you’re taking the child out of the negative environment where they’re lost in destructive behaviors and replacing it with a positive and constructive one where they have a chance to choose healthier options. In doing this, you’re creating a “new world” for them but it’s such a drastic change from one world to the next that you will experience some serious backlash and reactions.

If you recall the “probability factor” I outlined, if your teenager is facing an extreme challenge then it’s because an environment has been created for them (because of multiple reasons and circumstances) that will make it more probable for them to continue along this path of destruction. When you remove these elements via an intervention, then you make it less probable for them to continue on this path.

However, this is such a shocking approach for your teenager that if you don’t create an alternative environment for them that is filled with love and support, this route can backfire and actually cause more harm then good. It’s vital for you to understand that the most important ingredient for this method working is surrounding your child with a positive and constructive environment. They have to remain in this environment so that they can work through their emotions and create a new and healthy pattern. Because this method can be very expensive, it ‘s tough for families who cannot afford to keep their child in such an environment.

Also, chances are your home environment added to this problem and that means that you will need to take an honest look at your lifestyle to find out how you contributed to creating an environment in which your teenager was able to become out of control. Don’t assume that just because you have money and are “well off” that this can’t happen to you. Environments have to do with the people and emotional make up, not just physical abundance.

If you are going to take this route:

A. Make sure you can afford to stick with the program all the way through so that your teen can transition from “one world” to the next, and that the next world is stabilized.

B. Make sure your home environment is supportive to helping them create their new life. Not only physically, but emotionally.

C. Be honest with yourself and change anything you have done that may have contributed to the situation. Make sure you’re willing to take a hard and honest look at yourself and then begin the healing process.

D. After you have removed them from their old environment, you need to make sure you focus on getting out all of their negative emotions. The root cause to anyone becoming out of control is his or her emotions. Somewhere along the way they developed some negative emotions that sent them in a downward spiral. Until they are brought to the surface and dealt with, nothing else can be put in place because it wont have the right environment for it to “stick”.

2. Wait It Out

The other alternative is to wait it out and let your child hit their rock bottom. The reason this method is powerful is because you allow your child to experience the consequences of their choices. While of course it’s very hard to watch and endure, it can work wonders. Think about it. Look at how many adults in our world wait to hit rock bottom before they make a change:

• They hate their job and stay in it
• Have become overweight and are miserable
• Stay in an abusive relationship
• Become poverty stricken
• Any type of addiction
• Depression
• Etc…

Most people like to wait until hitting rock bottom before they wake up and realize that it’s time to take action and make a change in their life. It’s unfortunate and not necessary but most of us have a hard time seeing the darkness we’re in until it just can’t get any worse.

If you decide to go this route, here are some steps you can take:

A. Provide a neutral and unconditional loving space – while it may be challenging and heartbreaking to watch your child spin out of control, by going this route you’re not adding fuel to the fire and you’re removing any judgment, fear, and anger so they don’t have more psychological baggage added to their psyche. You truly have to let go, be neutral, and allow them their space to hit their rock bottom. And to be VERY clear, this is not about throwing your hands up in the air and saying, “I give up and I don’t care anymore”. Quite the contrary – you love them so much that you‘re allowing them to go through their experience and will be waiting there with open arms and ready to help them when they’re ready.

B. Tell them you love them with all your heart – You will need to find the right time to have one talk with them (and then let go afterwards) where you express your dying unconditional love for them. Even though it may not seem like they hear you, they do. This is VERY important because when they hit their rock bottom, they will be in a better frame of mind to hear what you said and that will help them toward their process of recovery. What you are doing is “planting a seed” that will take root and give them something to latch on to once they have hit their bottom.

C. Lead by example – Chances are you might have done something in allowing this to happen. No, it is not your fault. But you did play a part in it and you will need to take a close and honest look at yourself and then begin your own healing process. Once your child sees you doing “the work”, it will make it far more probable that they will follow suit. You will need to create a more positive and healthy environment to support their healing process. In other words, “If you build it they will come”.

D. Find someone for them to talk to – If you’re having a hard time relating with your teenager and don’t have the type of relationship with them where they value your opinion, find someone else who can relate with them. People who are going through a hard time tend to connect with someone else who has gone through something similar. By finding someone for them to talk to, it helps them begin their releasing phase and that is the first step in the healing process. Make sure that it’s not a therapist or counselor who is going to analyze them to death. Rather, it should be someone who has gone down the same path they’re on so they can offer them a real world perspective, not a clinical one.

It’s Tough

No matter which path you end up taking, it’s going to be tough and my heart goes out to you. However, your responsibility is to find the positive in the situation and use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Any time you spend on feeling like a victim, angry, sad, depressed, and so on, it just adds fuel to the fire. This is not just a wake up call for your child, but for you as well. Use this as an opportunity to learn and grow and face your own fears. The sooner you find the positive; the better chances you will have of turning the situation around.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn how to talk to your teenager about money so that they can become more responsible with it and manage it properly.

In it you will learn:

• What money really is
• Money versus abundance
• The negative beliefs associated with money
• How to teach your teenager to be responsible with money
• How to teach your child to create a healthy relationship with money
• A 10-step plan you can explore with your teen

Overview

This lesson plan focuses on our beliefs, perceptions, and relationship with money and does not go into detail about the technical aspects of finance. While I do talk about budgeting and priorities to an extent, a proper finance course is a different type of class and you will need to get this information from somewhere else.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees you know?”

In the old days, this was the basis of what most teenagers were taught about money. They would approach their parents and the response was always fear based with parents telling their kids that money doesn’t grow on trees. Every parent dreads when their kid comes asking them for money. On the one hand you want to give your kids everything. On the other hand, you struggle with money and can’t afford to give them any; or you have plenty of it and are concerned they may become spoiled.

Regardless of what your situation or circumstances are with money, most people can agree that money can cause a lot of pain and hardship. We become obsessed over money to the point that it can tear families apart. Because many of us were not taught how to be responsible with money and use it in a healthy and constructive way, money management is one of the biggest hurdles people face in our world. So how can you best teach your teenager the responsibilities that come with money?

Money Equals Value

As children, we associate money with mom and dad. This was our source for money. When we needed something we would ask our parents for it. And most of the time, we would get it. So as children we would associate money with asking mom and dad for it. Then as we get older, there is a transition that takes place where all of a sudden, mom and dad don’t want to buy us just anything.

It’s important that when this time comes and you want to start to wean your kids off your wallet, you help them understand that money equals value. This is a great time to set the stage for them to learn that they will need to explore and discover what gifts they have to offer the world so they can get paid to do it. It’s important that they associate money with something of value so they can start to ask themselves how they will contribute to society. For more on this read the Career module.

Perception Of Money

Society has a very unhealthy and unbalanced view of money. On one side you have people who define their success in life by the amount of money they have. These are the people who devote most of their life to acquiring things such as cars, a nice house, clothes, and so on. On the other hand, you have people who believe money is the root of all evil so they have very little and struggle to get by. Unfortunately for many, money has become a status symbol for “who we are”. What many fail to realize or have forgotten is that money is NOT real. It’s just a symbol we use to exchange goods and services with each other. It’s a way we vote for what matters most to us. And while there are some deeper issues with how money is being used to manipulate our system (and I will not go into these here), at the end of the day, money is just neutral.

Money Is Neutral

If you want to teach your teenager to become responsible and develop a healthy relationship with money, then the first thing you need to teach them is that money is neutral. Just like a gun, it’s not the gun that kills people; people kill people. It’s not “money that is evil”, it’s how money’s used that can create so much pain. People tend to hand their power over to these symbols rather than accepting personal responsibility for their choices. By telling your teenager that money is neutral and “how” it’s used is what determines the effect, this will help set a healthy foundation by removing any negative definitions around money.

Step 1: Tell your teenager that money is neutral and that “how” it’s used determines the effect.

Money Can’t Buy Happiness

One of the biggest challenges is to teach your child that money can’t buy happiness. For most teenagers, their entire life is based around things such as music, clothes, games, going out, and so on. These are all things that cost money. So depending on your relationship with your teenager and what types of values you have instilled in them, this will play a big role in your ability to teach them that money can’t buy happiness (this is especially tough for parents who did not give their kids enough time and used money as a way to buy their love).

One way to do this is by having them watch the Kardashian show on MTV to point out how this family has so much money yet they fight all the time and are so miserable. Then show them images of children playing in poverty stricken countries like India where they have the biggest smiles on their faces but have no TV, video games, computers, and so on. Their entire day is spent using their imaginations to play and because they don’t attach their happiness to “outside sources”, they’re in control of what makes them happy.

By showing them an example of people with plenty of money being miserable and people with no money being happy, this will plant a seed in them that happiness comes from within and that they’re in control of what brings them happiness. It’s very important that you empower your teenager and let them know that their entire life and how they experience it is their choice and not controlled by outside sources like money. Of course, you must also lead by example and not use money as your source of happiness or sadness.

Step 2: Tell your teenager that money cannot buy happiness and that they’re in control of what makes them happy. Teach them that circumstances do not matter and that only state of being matters. They may not get it right away and you will need to repeat yourself, but eventually as they go through their own experiences it will all start to come together like a giant puzzle piece.

Money Vs. Abundance

There’s a big difference between having money and being abundant. The way society is structured is that we only associate abundance with having money. The truth is, we can be very abundant with the things we enjoy about life and not have much money at all. It’s important that you teach your child the difference between money and abundance because you want to show your child that they can get what they want from life and not necessarily need money to get it. And no I am not talking about stealing. I’m talking about the Law Of Attraction.

Some of you might be familiar with The Secret, and others may not and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you understand that when you’re open to all possible ways of receiving and not “fixated” on money being the only way of getting something, you have a higher chance of getting it because you’re open to it. It’s very important that your child be open to allowing the world work its magic to bring him or her what they need or want in other ways besides money.

Abundance means having the ability to do what you want to do, which means that you need to teach your teenager how to define his or her own success in life and not succumb to other peoples definitions and beliefs. Because of the world they’re born in to, they’re bombarded with messages that to feel happy and successful they need to have lots of money, own a big house, have a fancy car, and so on. The truth is that these things may not be the things that bring them happiness.

For example, I have a friend who loves to surf and this is what brings him the most joy in life. He moved to Costa Rica, has a simple job where he only works twenty hours a week and the rest of his time is spent chasing waves all day. For him, he sees himself as being highly successful because he gets to do what he wants on his own terms.

Another example is when I started producing my own events. In the beginning I was not making a lot of money but I made enough that I got to live and pay my basic bills. That being said, because I was immersed in the culture I loved, my entire lifestyle was based around what I wanted to do. I got to play music, hang out with my friends, write about things I loved, and so on. So for me, I was highly successful because I lived the life I wanted and was doing what I wanted to do. I allowed “other things” to come to me and did not need money to get them.

Step 3: Teach your teenager about the differences between money and abundance. Help them to define their own success in life and to be open to allowing things they want to manifest in other ways besides money.

Money Is Energy

In guiding your teenager to develop a healthy relationship with money, you also want to show them that money is energy. It’s how we vote on what we care about. It’s important to teach your teenager that the way our capitalist system works is when someone starts a business and puts out a product or service, every time we buy it we’re voting for them to stay in business. This means it is everyone’s responsibility to learn about the companies they’re supporting and decide if they believe in what the company is producing and how they’re producing it. There are many companies in the world that are destroying our planet by the way they develop their product or service and by purchasing their item, we’re voting for them to stay in business.

Step 4: Teach your teenager that money is just energy and that it’s one way we vote for what we like in our system.

Hoarding Money

Because of the fears that so many of us associate with money, we have become quite hoarders of money. What’s fascinating about this is that regardless of whether you have a little money or a lot, both sides still hoard money. Our entire survival is associated with money and because we fear not having enough, we’re afraid to spend or use the money we have. By teaching your teenager that money is intended to be spent in a healthy and responsible way, they will not develop a fear around money and want to start hoarding it. By definition (of course not everyone is doing this) money is supposed to have a natural circulation so that it touches all of our hands. Keeping money locked away for fear of not having enough (or for hoarding power) is one of the reasons why the system is so unbalanced.

Step 5: Teach your teenager to spend their money and use it in a balanced way. Saving for a rainy day is healthy. Hoarding because you fear something bad will happen is not.

Budgeting & Priorities

Sooner or later, your teenager is going to have to enter the world and start paying their own bills. They’re going to need to figure out how to balance their budget and make sure that they’re responsible with their debts. This means you need to start teaching your teenager how to start budgeting and setting priorities. Whether you give them an allowance or they already work and make their own money, it’s important that you sit down with them and break out the old Excel sheet so that they can visually see what their monthly income and expenses are.

If they don’t have an income yet, then make a number up so they can play along. Once they start to go through the experience of having to choose how they’re going to spend their money on a monthly basis, it will teach them to become more responsible with it. Most kids lack respect for money because they don’t associate it as being their own. When parents just continue to buy stuff for their kids without giving them a reference point as to what can be spent on a monthly basis, it doesn’t give the child any perspective of how money is created and used.

You must also be willing to allow your teenager to fall down and make mistakes from their mismanagement of money. If they exude poor choices in priorities (obviously nothing too major), allow them to experience that choice so if they run out of money and can’t go to the movies, buy more music, and so on, they feel the consequence of their choice and can learn from it.

Step 6: Teach your teen how to start managing and budgeting money and establishing priorities. You need to be willing to let them fall down if they run out of money. This is important because it helps them to explore their priorities.

Savings & Setting Goals

Teenagers live in the moment so they can’t even see a month down the road let alone a year. It’s important that your teenager set at least one goal that they can learn to save for. Whether it is a car, college or traveling, it’s good for them to learn how to set goals and start to save. The best way you can support them in doing this is by talking with them about their dreams and aspirations. Kids love to talk about big dreams and once you engage them in this conversation, it’s much easier to transition into a talk on how to save money. It will give them something to work toward, be excited about and teach them discipline and priorities. It will also help them understand that $50 – $100 every month is a big deal because it can add up over time.

Step 7: Help your teenager set one goal that they can work toward by setting aside savings on a monthly basis.

Credit Cards

Credit cards are our worst and best friends because they can get us into and out of trouble. Once again, I want to point out that credit cards are neutral. It’s how we use it that is good or bad. That being said, giving credit cards to teens and young adults can be frightening. While it’s important that your teenager learn how to build a healthy relationship with credit cards, make sure you feel that they’re showing great signs of being responsible with money. A safe way for teenagers to start off with credit cards is as follows:

They should only use the credit card to act as a debit card so that they can pay off the full amount each month. This way they are growing their credit and not incurring large interest.

You don’t want your teenager or young adult growing debt. They don’t have the frame of mind yet to handle that especially if they don’t have the ability to make a proper salary yet.

The best way to ensure your teenager does not go out of control with a credit card is to make sure you have taught them that money can’t buy happiness. Most teenagers and young adults who get into credit card trouble are addicted to shopping (especially girls who want to buy clothes).

Step 8: If your teenager or young adult can acquire a credit card on their own, teach them the best way to start off is to pay it off in full every month. And make sure your kid is not associating their happiness with “stuff”; otherwise a credit card could be a recipe for disaster.

 Don’t Leave It To The Schools

Unfortunately many parents assume that the schools are responsible for teaching their kids about how to manage money. And while some might offer a class here or there (unless your kid is in college learning finance), what schools are teaching is very basic and has very little to do with setting values or developing a healthy and balanced relationship with money. In a recent study reported by the University of California, teenagers are shown to be spending a combined $179 billion dollars a year. However, a national standardized money management test was given to teenagers in the same year and the average score was 48.3 which is a failing score.

The report also noted that:

High school seniors have very little experience in managing money.
Students ages 16 – 22 have never taken a personal finance class.
Two thirds of students admitted they would benefit from such a class.
Nine percent of students in high school and college are already in debt.

So don’t assume that the schools are going to teach your kids how to manage money. They won’t. Heck, our government and schools can’t even manage their own budget so what makes any of us think they’re the best ones to be teaching our kids? They aren’t. This is your responsibility.

Step 9: Don’t leave it to the schools to teach your teenager about money. Take a very proactive role. Get help if necessary.

Projecting Your Fears

Parents get themselves into trouble with their kids when they project their own fears because of their relationship and past experiences with money. Because our survival is based on money, our culture has developed a sick and distorted relationship with money that is deep rooted in fear. These distortions can be broken down into two different perspectives:

1. If You Struggle With Money
If you have come from a background of struggling with money, then chances are you use fear and lack as the foundation when speaking to your teenager about money. You probably say a lot of things like, “We can’t afford it” and “I don’t have money”. Unfortunately when you approach the situation from a negative place like this, you are projecting your own fears of money onto your child and teaching them that money should be associated with lack.

If this is the case, then you need to go through your own healing process with money so that you can build a healthy and centered relationship with it. Otherwise, you will transfer your own fears onto your child and they will end up repeating the same pitfalls you have. The most important thing you can do is use positive words about money. Instead of saying “We don’t have money” or “I can’t afford it”, tell your kids that “I would love to buy this for you but our money has been spent on other priorities”. This is a more accurate and healthy statement. It teaches your teen priorities without being negative.

2. If You Have Plenty Of Money
If you have plenty of money, then your main concern is that you don’t want to spoil your kids and have them associate it with how you love them. Chances are you have seen or experienced first hand how money can spoil kids and make them lazy and unmotivated because they can get whatever they want. You don’t want your kid to believe they can always rely on you to help them out of a situation. How would they ever learn to become self-reliant? However, if you approach your teen with this fear, it can affect and distort your ability to teach and guide them in a neutral way. Many parents in this type of scenario are either too harsh with their kids (“Find your own way!”) or too lax about it (“Do whatever you want”).

Many parents who spoil their kids are doing harm and such a disservice to their kids because they never end up maturing. They become destructive with money and end up associating it with love and self worth. The first thing you want to make sure of is that you never use money as a way to associate your love for your child. This can do a lot of damage to them because they will become addicted to money and needing stuff as a way to feel loved.

In teaching your teenager to become balanced with money, you need to help them make their own money and find their own way but in a loving and constructive way. Where parents get into trouble is when it comes time to cut off their kids, they do it in a harsh way (almost like a slap in the face) and it sends the kid in a downward spiral where they want to “get back at the parents”. Make it a fun and playful game where they are “coming of age” and you want to help them understand that it’s time for them to become more responsible and find their own way in life. Maybe you give them a small allowance in the beginning and help them establish a budget.

At some point you must stop buying them stuff or they will never leave the house! Your teenager must slowly but surely feel they’re going to be living on their own and that it’s time for them to take action and become responsible for themselves. This means you may have to let them fall down every so often if they make poor choices. But remember, do it with love and grace and not an “I told you so” mentality. They need to know you’re still there for them and love them and at the same time, they’re becoming their own person.

Step 10: Don’t project your fears and negative beliefs about money onto your kids. Teach them that money can be used in a positive and constructive way and that when used appropriately, they can develop a healthy relationship with it.

Need Help With Your Teen?

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Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology