In this lesson, we are going to explore what to do with bored teenagers.

In it you will learn:

• Why teenagers become bored
• How boredom can lead to kids becoming troubled teens
• The importance of putting your child in touch with their imagination
• How this can negatively impact the rest of their lives
• A game you can play with your teenager that will help them break out of being bored

Take A Moment

Before you start this lesson, take a couple of moments to think back to the last time you were bored. What did you do? How did you overcome it?

Do you just turn on the TV or zombie out on Facebook? Do you feed your boredom with sugary sweets or alcohol? Do you go out shopping to fill that void? How creative are you when you become bored?

As the saying goes…”Idle hands are the Devil’s playground”.

Overview

For many parents, when their teenager becomes bored they seem to think it’s not that important of an issue to address or pay attention to, when in fact, it’s the exact opposite. Teaching teenagers how to approach occasions of boredom is vital to the future of their success in life and here is why:

There are only two things that can transpire when someone is bored. They either use this time to become constructive or destructive. When we become bored, it can provide a great opportunity to explore life and who we are. However, this takes some level of curiosity and willingness to do some work. Otherwise, if we don’t use this time to be constructive, by default we choose to be mentally lazy and become destructive whether with depression, loneliness, or acting out in some way just to get attention.

Boredom Can Create Negative Energy

When boredom is not used as an opportunity to be more constructive, it can turn into something that looks like kids getting in trouble, becoming depressed, or messing things up around the house. Boredom is real energy that is cooking inside your child and it needs to land somewhere just like a lightening bolt does.

When they’re not taught how to use this energy wisely, it manifests into something chaotic. Many parents get frustrated with their kids when this happens yet fail to realize that it’s the parents responsibility to teach their kids how to use their time to be creative and use their imagination to come up with something to do.

Imagination Is the Key

The reason that boredom plays such an imperative role in the growth of your teenager is that it allows them to solidify their relationship with their imagination. Most of society tends to down play our imagination as if it were just an afterthought to our mind and personality construct.

If you look at the most successful people in the world you will see they have quite a vivid imagination. All of our books, movies, art, music, and cultural artifacts were derived from someone’s imagination.

More importantly, the greatest inventions to have helped humankind thrive and make it this far all stemmed from our imagination. Our ability to think critically and come up with solutions stems from our imagination.

Without it, we would have very little joy on this planet. It’s through our imagination that we can conjure up new ideas about what we want to do and who we want to be. Even the “smallest” idea can turn into something much more meaningful down the road.

Creative Solutions

All of life is about facing challenges in some way, shape, or form. However, where most adults get into trouble is when they don’t have the ability to come up with their own solutions, thus are constantly turning to other people for advice.

Getting advice is great when the person receiving the advice knows how to discern the information and make it his or her own. The challenge most people face is that they don’t have a strong sense of self so they take advice from all sorts of people and do what others say they should be doing. This sends them in a downward spiral where they bounce around like a pinball and are always in reactive mode because they don’t know how to think for themselves.

When someone is put in touch with and builds a strong relationship with their imagination, they can use it as a platform to come up with creative solutions on their own. More importantly, when they’re able to filter advice through their own imagination to see how it sits with them, they can then decide for themselves to use the information or not.

We live in a time where we’re receiving an overload of information and the only way we can sift through it and use it effectively is by engaging our imagination.

The Working World

At some point or another, in the working world, you’ve probably heard the saying “they showed initiative”. This generally refers to someone who is being promoted because they’re very proactive in their company. They’re typically people who have strong imaginations that allow them to be more productive and action-orientated in their work environment.

Anyone who succeeds in the workplace is someone who has a strong relationship with their imagination and will make the most of their day. They can create on the go and when a challenge arises can come up with an idea or solution.

On the other hand, when someone is bored and can’t think of anything to do, their company sees them as a liability. You can spot this person a mile away because they have a dull look on their face and are bored out of their mind.

No company wants to constantly manage and motivate their employees to be creative and use their time productively. This is why so many people struggle in their career and business path because they don’t know how to think for themselves and create solutions to the challenges they’re facing.

Maybe they’re in the wrong career and I cover that in this career path article for teens. At the same time, maybe they just lack the ability to create a way to make the most of any situation.

Life Is A Choice

Every moment of our lives is a constant choice where we choose what we want to do with our time. We can either make the most of it, or we can let it slip by and not take full advantage of each moment. But to be able to take full advantage of each moment requires our imagination.

• When you’re sitting in line do you create the idea of being bored? Or do you create an idea where you engage someone in line and learn something new?

• When you’re sitting in traffic are you creative enough to use that time wisely or do you just sit there bored?

• When you’re cleaning your house do you use your imagination to make it a fun experience? Or do you just see it as “something you have to do”.

• When you’re home alone with nothing to do, do you automatically turn the TV on? Or are you able to engage your imagination to come up with something more creative to do?

When we don’t know how to engage our imagination, life can easily be filled with a lot of boring moments. For each of us, it’s a choice of how we choose to create and define each moment.

Our entire life experience stems from our imagination. From our imagination we create a belief around what we’re experiencing. From our experience is where we define each moment. If we don’t have a healthy imagination to create healthy definitions and beliefs about what we’re doing, life is boring.

My Kid Has A Wild Imagination

If you remember when you were a kid you had a great relationship with your imagination. You had a “special friend” you would talk to and you would play with your toys and make up games along the way.

Most adults brush this aside and say, “Oh my kid has such a silly imagination”. It’s too bad that so many parents devalue this instead of encouraging it.  Look at any child as they play and you will see that you don’t have to do much with them but watch them and ensure that they don’t hurt themselves.

Just put them in a playground with some toys and they will entertain themselves for hours with all kinds of games to keep them busy.

The Dangers

When teenagers start playing too many video games, watching TV, eating too much, or getting into other trouble, it mostly stems from boredom. It’s at that moment where a teenager gives up that connection they had with their imagination and just becomes lazy. Many parents are concerned with the lack of motivation their kids have and fail to realize that it’s because they’re not helping their teenager solidify their relationship with their imagination. Ironically, because most parents don’t have a good relationship with their own imagination, they can’t come up with any ideas to help their kids.

What To Do

Here are some ways to help spark your teenager’s imagination by asking them questions that open up creative ways of thinking. I call this “Top Three”.

Top Three

1. Ask your teenager to list the top three things that excite them the most. You can say something like, “Besides watching TV, playing video games, or hanging out on social media, what are the top three things that you would love to do?”

When they come up with a list have them get involved with one of them to the best of their ability. It could even be something as simple as researching online and reading up on something new.

2. Ask your teenager to name the top three people they admire most and write down what it is they admire about them. Then have them learn more about that person to see who they are and how they behave in life. This is a great way to help put your teenager in touch with a role model.

3. Ask your teenager to name the top three places they would love to go in the world and why. Once they’ve written them down have them research it on the web. Tell them to figure out how much it would cost for them to go there and then write a list of things they would want to do.

4. Ask your teenager to name the top three things they want to accomplish in life. Again, have them write it down and ask them how they plan to accomplish it. This will get their creative juices flowing and start them looking forward to life by building a sort of action plan.

It may require you to spend some time with them to get the ball rolling. But you will see that once the “spark” and connection is made, then they will keep themselves busy for some time.

However, you also have to be willing to keep them engaged along the process. Remember, teenagers have not established their structure and set of patterns, which is why you need to help lead the way.

This is not about you doing it for them or them becoming dependent on you. It’s about you coaching them and supplying a spark when they need it to help them get the ball rolling with their project.

If they say that they can’t think of anything, tell them to go lie down in bed, close their eyes, and ask themselves the same questions in their mind and write down what comes up. Tell them to not come out of their room until they have the answers.

Asking Good Questions

Asking good questions engages your teenager’s imagination so they can come up with their own solutions. Boredom is really just another way of saying, “lazy mind” or “no imagination”.

Your job is to ask your kid good questions and get them moving in a healthier direction by engaging their imagination. Once you’ve helped them establish a relationship with their imagination, you will see that they will no longer be bored and will know how to create on their own.

Now isn’t that something worth looking forward to as a parent? The time when your teenagers can create for themselves and not need you or anyone else to create their life?

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Ecstasy – How to talk to your teen about using ecstasy aka MDMA or “Molly”

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn why your teenage son or daughter obsesses over being cool and popular and what you can do to help them.

In it we will cover:

• The impact of Facebook and other social sites
• How teenagers just reflect the ego aspect of our society
• Four key factors to look for with your teen
• A step-by-step guide for parents that will help keep your teenager in balance
• The importance of helping your teenager discover their authentic self

Take A Moment

Before we begin the lesson, I want you to think back to when you were a teenager: how important was it for you to fit in? In high school, were you in the “cool group” or in the “other” group? Depending on which group you were situated with, how did the phase of fitting in impact your life?

Overview

Growing up as a teenager and young adult, I used to produce music events and publish a music and fashion magazine. So I was ensconced in the industry that was all about “being cool”.

This material is very important for parents to understand because it really focuses on a deeper issue that our entire society faces: validation and self-worth.

During the teenage years one of the issues that will come up is when your son or daughter is obsessed with being cool and popular. It’s an interesting time in human development when our entire lives are based upon feeling the need to be something we’re not.

Because teenagers are in the process of exploring their identity and finding themselves, it’s almost certain that your child will go through this. It’s just a matter of the degree to which they will be absorbed by the process.

The History Of Cool

The word cool originated back in the 1920’s in jazz clubs where if you were cool, it meant you were someone who knew how to strut your stuff via dancing, the clothes you wore, and the way you talked. It was an acknowledgement that the way you expressed yourself was unique and respected by others. It’s very similar to when a peacock struts its feathers to show off.

Cool In The Modern World

In today’s day and age, to be cool or popular is a bit different from how it originally started. Because everyone wants to be cool it’s now more about social acceptance via standing out. There’s still a slight component of being different and unique but because everyone is trying to be different and unique it’s now a form of conformity.

Facebook & Social Media

Because of Facebook and other social sites, now more than ever teenagers are obsessing over being cool and popular because “everyone can see” whether or not they are liked or accepted. If a teenager does not have as many friends or “likes” as others, their sense of self-worth diminishes.

Society

I cannot stress this enough in all of the lessons on this site that teenagers are a direct reflection of our society as a whole. Just look at how our politics, media, and corporate culture breeds this type of hierarchy.

Even our presidents have to focus so much on their popularity otherwise they wont win. In fact, there are some great leaders out there who would do a much better job then any of our recent presidents but because they do not look “cool”, they do not win. If you do not want your teenager to feel like they are going to “die” unless they are in the popular crowd, you need to help them put this into perspective sooner rather than later.

So why are so many teenagers and young adults obsessed with being cool?

There are four key factors that are happening in your child’s mind and personality construct:

1. Acceptance

Because most teenager’s feel insecure about who they are and are still unsure of themselves, the safest way for them to feel accepted is to be associated with the “in crowd”. Being socially accepted is something that most humans (regardless of age) strive for and by being cool this is the quickest way to get there.

2. Attention

Being cool and popular helps people get attention. Because they’re insecure about themselves they need this attention to validate who they are so they can feel better about themselves. This is why the lesson on “Validation and Self Worth” is so important so that your child does not depend on external sources to feel good about themselves. What most teenagers are saying is “look at me”. It is this attention they seek so that they can feel better and accepted.

Every time your teen obsesses over their social media presence and “likes”, its so that they can feel validated and good about themselves.

Note: For those of you with daughters, this is why many girls become promiscuous or “dress slutty”. They want to feel validated.

3. Separation

In some circles, being cool is about rebelling. If you remember Happy Days and the Fonz, bikers and thugs were considered cool because they went against the grain. Many teenagers feel that by associating themselves with particular music, clothes, and culture, they’re rebelling and this makes them cool.

4. The Ego

What many people fail to realize is that this truly falls under the ego construct. Everything described above (attention, acceptance, and separation) all have to do with the ego. It’s during the teenage years that the ego is being formed and entrenching its identity. The ego loves to be cool because it will feel more powerful. Its sense of self worth is being established and it gains a hold on your teenager, at least until they can learn to strike a balance between their true self and ego self.

A Male & Female Perspective

Most guys want to be cool and popular because they want to get laid and be desired by the “hot” girl.

Most girls want to be popular because it validates their existence.

What Can You Do As A Parent?

1. Let Go

As hard as it may be to watch your teenager like the things they like and do the things they do, you have to let go and provide them a neutral space with no judgment so that they can explore who they are. If you fight them any step of the way it will just turn into rebellion and get worse. So let go, be curious, have fun, and enjoy the ride.

2. Lead By Example

Your teenager is always watching you regardless of whether you think they are or not. Many of the lessons that you’re teaching them by example won’t “hit them” until they get older. It’s during the years that they begin to take inventory of what they’ve been doing and where they’re going that your lessons will be vital. Rest assured, it will all come full circle. If you show them how to live an authentic life and you have your ego in check, they will eventually get there. They’ll likely even get there sooner than later.

3. Help Them Discover Their Authentic Self

If you want to take a proactive approach and get involved with your teenager to try and sway them from trying to be cool, you can offer them other outlets to explore what they want to be and do in life. By getting involved and surrounding them with other opportunities, you give them another choice and direction to head toward. However, as stated above you never want to judge their process nor do you want to force anything upon them. By naturally presenting them other options and letting them choose for themselves (it is VERY important that they choose it for themselves), you will have done the best you can.

How Long Does This Stage Last?

Unfortunately, there is no exact answer here. I know many people in there thirties, forties, and fifties who are still obsessed with being cool and accepted. Remember, if you really want to help guide your teen through this, help them find their authentic self. Once they’re “rewarded” from their peers because of whom they really are, they will start to see their true value and let go of what they think others expect of them.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Ecstasy – How to talk to your teen about using ecstasy aka MDMA or “Molly”

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson you are going to learn why so many youth are defiant and how to address the emotions of an angry teenager. We are going to cover:

• Why so many teenagers are angry
• What the root cause of their anger is
• What to do if your teenager is angry with you
• How to keep your teenager from becoming a troubled teen
• Why it is important that you take an honest look at how you are communicating with them
• The importance of using their anger as an opportunity to teach them about their emotions
• A step-by-step guide on how you can handle this challenge without hiring a therapist or counselor
• & Much more

Take A Moment

But before you begin this lesson, I want you to think back to the last time you were angry. What made you angry and how did you express it? Did you yell or scream? Did you want to start a fight? Or did you internalize it hoping that it will go away on it’s own? Before you can help your teenager address their anger, it is important that you take an honest look at how you do the same for yourself.

Overview

While there may be some crossover between the teen rebellion lesson and this one, I wanted to separate the two because in all practical terms, rebellion is an extreme stage of anger. At times, this emotion is so powerful and scary that most of us shy away from it because we don’t know what to do with it. Because we view anger as a bad thing, we want to sweep it under the rug and never look at it (until it builds up to the point where it explodes and sends us in a downward spiral).

This module is important because if you look at our world now, you will see that we are one giant mass of conflict where most of us are so angry that we don’t know what to do. We don’t get along with other countries, other states, our neighbors, friends, relatives, co-workers, and so on. Anger is everywhere and yet we wonder why teens are so angry?

Simply put: Our teenagers are reflecting the world around them. And what I mean by this is that our world does not know how to handle anger and address their emotions in a calm and centered way. So why would they?

The Emotional Rollercoaster

Your teenager is on an emotional roller coaster right now because of the intensity of challenges he or she is dealing with. Because many kids don’t know how to handle stress and conflict, they internalize it and it manifests into anger, resentment and then rebellion.

As your child’s guide, you need to help him or her express their emotions in a constructive way. Your child needs to get their anger out or it can completely change how they grow up in the world. The first thing you need to understand is that anger is ok. Let me say this again: anger is ok. Not only is it ok, it’s your friend because it shows you that something is out of alignment. It’s a signpost that says, “Hey, I don’t like this!”

The challenge arises when we don’t know how to face and resolve anger. The main reason that most people don’t know how to do this is because we judge anger as something bad. We only see the negative side of it so we want to ignore it and sweep it under the rug.

When your teen is angry, the first thing you need to do is understand where this anger stems from:

1. Are they angry with someone?
2. Are they angry with themselves?
3. Are they angry because of a situation that happened?
4. Are they angry with you?

If the situation is one of the first three, let them know that it’s ok if they’re angry and that you understand. Acknowledge their anger and let them know it’s ok. By acknowledging their anger they won’t feel bad or wrong and it relieves some of the weight and tension off their shoulders because you have taken some of it on. Also, by acknowledging their anger and letting it be ok, you neutralize the situation. You take the charge out of it and that can help to calm it.

Acknowledge Their Anger

You can say something like: “I can understand why you must feel so angry. If I were you, I would be angry too. It sucks huh?”

What this does is provide them a neutral space to feel it and because you are not invalidating them, they will be able to process it right then and there instead of internalizing it.

Releasing Their Anger

Help them get it out. Tell them to shout, scream, or yell. Punch a pillow. If dad is around let dad be a punching bag and go at it until all the energy is out. Anger is real energy and it needs to land somewhere like a lightening bolt. Be creative in how you help your child face it and let it out.

What if my teen is angry with me?

If they’re angry with you, then you have to dig a little deeper to resolve the issue. Remember you don’t want to take it personally. You now have to be mature for the both of you because they have to be able to vent, and you have to listen without reacting regardless of whether they’re right or wrong. This is what is meant by being a “neutral parent”.

More importantly, you have to be able to decipher what it is they’re actually saying. You have to see through the anger and emotions to figure out what’s underneath it. They’re not going to be able to speak to you in a calm and rational way so you have to be a detective and search out the core truth of their information (I know, sounds easier on paper right?).

Then you need to have the patience to transform their anger toward you into something constructive. The best way of doing this is by letting them say everything they have to say so that they can release the tension inside. Then give them some space so they can relax and calm down. Once they have calmed down, you can try and resolve whatever issue they’re angry about.

Changing Your Approach

It should be noted that if your teenager is angry with you, then they are angry because of “how” you have been developing your relationship with them and “how” you have been approaching your parenting. Generally speaking, parents assume that their kids are angry at them because they are trying to discipline and this is NOT true. Many kids are upset with their parents because of “how” they have been disciplining them and why they discipline them.

Being A Strict Parent

Setting boundaries for teenagers is a good thing. Controlling them and trying to keep them from living their life is not a healthy approach. If your teenager has ever accused you of being too strict, then you will need to take an honest look at yourself to find out if this is true. Now, the trick here is that if you base your reasoning on “how” your parents raised you, then you may need to look at the fact that your parents taught you by being too strict.

Were Your Parents Too Strict?

This is where many families struggle because your teenager lives in a much different world then the one you grew up in. These days’ kids have access to everything and while this does not mean that they should be able to do what they want, it does mean that you need to change “how” you approach the situation. Most of the rebellion you see taking place stems from parents being too strict and what this means is that you need to change “how” you set boundaries which is what this entire course outlines: change “how” you set your boundaries so that your teenager will not rebel.

Put Them In Touch With Their Emotions

Teaching your child to become more attune to their emotions is going to be vital to the success of their life. Anger is a sign and symbol that is sending a loud and clear message: “Hey, I don’t like this so please do something about it”.

It’s an empowering experience when someone is capable of being constructive with his or her anger. It’s an art form when an individual is able to share their emotions and still get their point across without shouting or screaming. When you look at spiritual philosophies such as Buddhism, where an entire culture has devoted their life to this way of being, you can truly start to see how powerful it really is.

Becoming A Therapist

Once again, you can either learn to do this yourself or you can spend thousands of dollars having a therapist do this. This is why people go to therapy: to get in touch with their emotions. All you need to do is be willing to be neutral and provide your teenager a safe place where they can talk about what is going on, then you can avoid having to go to therapy. It just requires that you ask good questions, be willing to listen, and then follow up with more questions. It is the good questions that helps guide the person in therapy to reveal to himself or herself what is going on. This is what will put them in touch with their emotions.

Internalizing Anger

If you’re not able to teach your teenager how to be more in touch with their emotions, he or she will internalize it. Anytime you turn on the news and see kids out of control, fights, and other destructive behaviors, this is the result of them not being able to be in touch with their emotions. Our anger must go somewhere and if we cannot strike a balance so that we have control over it, we will internalize it. It causes havoc down the road because it builds up inside and explodes into something that creates chaos (whether at home, school, or elsewhere).

Troubled Teenagers

When a child internalizes their anger and does not have anyone to talk to or a way of releasing their anger, this is how they become a troubled teen. What happens is that they are experiencing turmoil “inside their body” and this is affecting their behavior. As time goes on and their emotions go unchecked, then other aspects of their life will become affected and they will act out with erratic behaviors until their issues and emotions are addressed.

The Victim Role

One of the biggest pitfalls people enter into when dealing with anger is that they take on the victim role and re-create situations as if they have been victimized. When people choose this path it can send them on a downward spiral because they haven’t accepted responsibility for their choices and actions. While it’s true that someone else may not have been very nice or a situation may not have turned out as they would have liked, it’s still important not to create a story in their minds that they are victimized. The most powerful tool you can teach your child is to see everything from a neutral perspective. When people make themselves out to be victims, they’re really saying that they don’t have control over their lives and that what happens outside of them controls them. As your teenagers guide, you need to teach them how to take responsibility for their choices and actions.

Here is something you can say to them:

“No matter what happens in life, you are responsible for how it makes you feel. Just because someone does something wrong or bad does not mean you have to take it on as your own. You’re in control of your emotions and it’s up to you not to let things get the best of you. Remember, you can’t control what others say or do but you can control how you respond to it.”

Using Anger In A Positive Way

When your teenager is angry, it’s your responsibility to teach them how to channel their energy in a constructive manner so they can explore their emotions and do something positive with them. Just as in the other modules of this course, first you need to confront your own issues with anger to ensure you have a healthy relationship with it.

• When someone does something that you don’t like, do you react angrily and take it personally? Or are you able to respond from a centered and balanced perspective?

• When you feel angry are you able to speak your truth while creating the space for the other person to speak as you listen? Or are you so absorbed with your anger that you no longer hear anything else.

• If someone or something hurts you do you focus more on resolving it or retribution? Do you just want to get back at them so that they can feel your anger?

• When you feel angry do you suppress it and push it down into your stomach so that you can try and forget about it? Or are you able to look at it in the moment and transform it.

Helping your teenager find their balance with anger so that he or she can use it in a constructive way is a great gift to bestow on them so that they do not have to suffer as much as others do. Here is a step-by-step action plan for helping them put their anger into perspective:

Step 1 – Acknowledge It

First you need to teach your child that being angry is not only ok, but also healthy because it’s a sign that they can use to show them that something is out of balance. When something happens that makes your child feel angry, tell them it is ok to be angry. This is very important because it will help to neutralize the situation.

Step 2 – Look At It

By teaching your child to acknowledge their anger and take a close look at it, they can then learn more about themselves and come up with potential solutions. Be specific and make them tell you what it is about the situation makes them so angry? Show your child that by remaining neutral with their anger, it allows them to resolve it and move on with their lives. Once it’s out on the surface it can actually be transformed into something healthy. Take the time with your teenager to objectively look at what it is that angers them so much.

Step 3 – Feel It

Once your teenager looks at the situation, they can feel the emotions that come with it. Help your teenager feel their anger. Say things to them like, “It hurts doesn’t it?” “It sucks that this and that has happened doesn’t it?” By allowing them to feel it they won’t suppress their emotions and it provides the initial phase of the healing process.

Step 4 – Release It

Anger has a lot of passion behind it that needs to be released. You can help your teen do this by allowing them to scream, yell, shout, hit a pillow, exercise, or something physical. Whatever works for them is fine as long as they can release the emotions. Martial arts is a great platform for kids to release their anger because it allows them to fight at the same time that it teaches them honor, respect, and discipline.  I cannot stress how important it is that they have a physical outlet for their anger.

Step 5 – Transform It

Once your teenager has looked at their anger and gotten it out of their system, they can transform it by exploring what it was and how it angered them. You need to ask good questions about what happened and help them accept their role in the process even if it means them just accepting that they can’t control everything (accept their emotions). It’s very important that you help them put it into perspective so that they can resolve it and move on with their lives. What you need to do is go through the scenario with them and explore what happened, why it happened, and what they could have done differently (what choices they could have made) that would have sent them in a different direction. Or, the other side of the coin is that sometimes people just need to learn acceptance and allowance (meaning you can’t control everything) and this could be a good time for them to start learning this tool.

 Extreme Anger

When a teenager has not been taught to transform their anger at the early stages of it, then it bottles up inside of them and grows into something quite nasty(i.e. Troubled Teenager). If your teenager is experiencing extreme forms of anger, then make sure to read the modules entitled:

– Out Of Control

– Rebellion

Lead By Example

An important factor here is “how” you handle your anger with them and the world. Your kids are watching you so they will internalize how to handle anger by the way you handle anger. I recall growing up and always seeing my uncle yell at cars next to us as we were driving saying things like “fucking asshole!” or “Learn to drive dumbass!” and I remember thinking to myself, “Is this the way I am supposed to talk to people if they do something wrong?”

Be aware of your own approach to anger and do it in a healthy way. Don’t hide or keep your anger from your kids. Show them so they don’t feel that anger is something we just put away and ignore. By doing this you show them that its ok to express feelings and it helps them deal with it in the moment. If you haven’t learned how to deal with anger yet, use the step-by-step tools I suggest above and start your process of learning how to transform anger.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Want more tips?

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Ecstasy – How to talk to your teen about using ecstasy aka MDMA or “Molly”

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology

In this lesson we are going to explore teenage drinking, alcohol abuse, and what you as a parent can do to best prepare yourself and your child.

What you will learn is:

• Why kids obsess over drinking
• How to keep your teenager out of trouble and healthy
• The importance of establishing an open line of communication
• A step-by-step talk you can have with your teen about their relationship with alcohol
• The most important factor all parents must focus on

Take A Moment And….

think back to when your parents talked to you about drinking. How did they approach you? Did they use fear and judgment? Or did they have a healthy and balanced approach? How did that talk make you feel? Did you feel empowered afterwards? Or were you confused? Did you have to figure things out on your own because they didn’t talk to you? Spend a couple of minutes thinking about those talks and write down any emotions that come up for you. Then ask yourself, “What do I want to impart to my child when it comes to drinking alcohol?”

Acceptance

At some point or another, your teenager will probably be drinking alcohol so you need to get over it regardless of their age. These days, it’s pretty easy for any kid to get hold of alcohol. Don’t make a big deal so that they don’t begin obsessing over it. Kids obsess over drinking at an early age because they feel like they’re rebelling and being cool. If you don’t make a huge deal of it (this doesn’t mean you condone or allow it) and just let them know you’re there to support them, it will neutralize the affect of the rebellious aspect by taking the fuel out of the fire of them to wanting to do it. Nonetheless, they will still want to do it ASAP because they see everyone else doing it.

The Party Stage

Even if your child is highly academic and not interested in being cool or partying, they will be faced with the party stage of their life. This happens from the ages of 14 to 32 and its just part of our culture now. And of course the main focus of partying is drinking.

Make sure to read the lesson on Teen Partying

Why Your Kids Will Drink

Almost all teenagers will drink at some point because it’s a right of passage to becoming an adult. It’s a sign that they are “cool”. All teenagers are in a rush to become adults because they don’t appreciate the process of life yet. The real issue is will they drink to the degree where they can no longer make good choices? You see, the real problem with alcohol is when parents avoid the situation or approach it from a “just don’t do it” mentality. If they don’t have a good relationship with their teenager about alcohol, then when the child does drink, they have no idea what to do, how much to drink, or what to expect. THAT is what causes the real problems.

Approaching the Situation

In any sensitive situation you enter into such as alcohol, make sure you educate your teenager and that the conversation is neutral, fair, and balanced. Do not come from a fear-based perspective otherwise you will lose their attention. I cannot emphasize this enough because this is where most “talks” go wrong. If you talk to them about why people drink and point out the pros and cons, then you remove the taboo flavor and it takes away their desire to use it as a form of rebellion. This is not about condoning the act; it’s about being honest and fair. Remember, they’re at an age where they can do anything they want, with or without your consent.

An example talk could go like this:

“Well, you’re reaching that age now where alcohol is going to be all around you and I know you want to party. Of course it’s illegal to drink before the age of 21 so if you get caught drinking, you will need to deal with those consequences. That being said, while I do not prefer you drinking at an early age, I do know the reality that you may decide to. In moderation, alcohol can be fun. If you go overboard it can make you sick. Try to ensure that you never drink because you’re feeling down and depressed because this can develop into addiction and abuse. People who become alcoholics are those who use it to suppress their emotions and try to escape from their problems. Like I said, I prefer that you not drink until you get older but if you do here are some things to keep in mind:

1.     Drink 8 ounces of water with every 8 ounces of alcohol. Dehydration is the reason why people get sick so you need to make sure you’re drinking plenty of water.

2.     Drink slowly. If you are going to drink, start off slow because alcohol creeps up on you. Many people think that because they are not buzzed or drunk right away that they have not had enough to drink where in reality it just takes some time for some alcohol to enter your system and get you buzzed.

3.     If you get into trouble with the law you will need to suffer those consequences.

4.    Take an EmergenC with your water. Because alcohol depletes your body of nutrients, this will help replenish them.

5.    Never drink on an empty stomach. If you don’t have anything in your stomach there is nothing to absorb the alcohol and you can get very sick.

6.    Never drink and drive. Imagine how terrible you would feel if you got in the car drunk and hit or killed someone. Think about that for a moment. It would ruin your life and is it worth it? Please never get in a car drunk.

7.    Never drive with someone who is drunk. Too many people think they can drive while they’re drunk and while some can once they’re older (even though it is still illegal), kids cannot. Once again, think about your life. You could die, someone else could die, you could spend time in jail, and so on. It’s not worth it.

8.    If you begin to act out of control stop drinking. You might notice some people act like idiots or asses when they’re drunk. This means they don’t know how to handle their alcohol. You need to learn when enough is enough so you do not act like an ass. No one likes the crazy person at a party.

9.    If you are stuck somewhere and cannot drive please call me. Just know that no matter what I will not be angry with you and that you can call me if you need my help. Again, I am not condoning you drinking and really hope you will wait, but if you do decide to, please know you can call me for anything. I will be right there and I won’t give you any guilt trip.

10.  Never drink to be cool. If you’re going to drink do it because you want to, not because other people are doing it. Being cool is about being your own person and not following other people like sheep.

11.   Balance and moderation are the keys to life. If you decide to drink, just remember that moderation is what will allow you to drink and have a good time. Once you go overboard, then you’ve lost your power. If you truly want to become a successful adult, do everything in balance and moderation.

I love you very much and trust that no matter what happens, you will make the best decision for you.”

Does This Mean They Will Listen?

Not necessarily. But they will have heard you. Sometimes they will remember and other times they won’t. Once again, this is about minimizing the damage, not removing it entirely. Remember when I discussed the probability factor (this is a lesson in the foundation course so make sure you take the time to go through this)? When you remain neutral and don’t come from a fear-based mentality, your child can hear what you say and draw on it at a later time. Because you’re open and honest with them and accept the fact that they could drink, they likely won’t drink to rebel, which is why most teens do. If they do decide to drink and you have a good relationship with them, they will take into account all of the things you’ve said and will drink more responsibly. This does not mean they will be perfect and make no mistakes. But it does lower the probability factor and that is the best you can do.

State Of Being Is Everything

The reason that so many people get into trouble with alcohol (regardless of age) is their state of being. Alcohol is neutral. Some people can handle it and others can’t. You need to focus more of your energy on why they’re drinking as opposed to whether they’re drinking. Are they insecure, lost, or confused? Are they angry, hurt, sad, or depressed? Are they trying to overcompensate for something or doing it to show off or get attention? Those are the real culprits in the challenges that someone faces when they drink.

If someone is just drinking to have a good time and is already a person in a good mood, then for the most part, they should be fine. Once you educate your teenager on the health stuff such as dehydration and drinking water, EmergenC, not drinking on an empty stomach, etc., then you have truly done the best you can. Remember that alcohol is the trigger, not the root cause. In fact, no drug or outside substance is ever the core issue. They’re always just the trigger mechanism of that person’s state of being.

Leading By Example

As always, they will be taking their cue from you when it comes to alcohol. Are you drinking beer or wine on a daily basis? Do you become out of control with alcohol? Or are you on the opposite side of the spectrum where you are in fear and are completely against alcohol? Either way, the best way you can lead by example is to teach them balance and moderation. You want them to sense from you that you have a solid grasp of the subject and are not reactive toward alcohol. By making it neutral and just letting it be, you remove any stigma from it and your teenager can then begin their own process of finding their balance with it. Since alcohol is everywhere and a huge portion of our societal structure, it’s very important that you set this tone ASAP.

Need Help With Your Teen?

Use these links to learn more about my coaching or counseling services.

Or email me direct: [email protected]

Alcohol – How to talk to your teen about alcohol

Anger – How to help your teen address their anger issues

Being Cool & Popular – How to talk to your teen about not being cool & popular

Boredom – How to talk to your teen when they are bored

Bullying – How to talk to your teen about bullying

Career & Life Purpose  – How to talk to your teen about building their future career & life purpose

Dating & Sex – How to talk to your teen about dating and sex

Depression – How to talk to your teen when they are depressed

Drugs – How to talk to your teen about drugs

Ecstasy – How to talk to your teen about using ecstasy aka MDMA or “Molly”

Hard Drugs – How to talk to your teen about hard drugs

Hurt Feelings – How to talk to your teen if they have hurt feelings

Lying – How to address your teen when you catch them lying

Money – How to talk to your teen about being responsible with money

Out of Control – How to talk to your teen when they are out of control

Overweight – How to talk to your when they become overweight

Partying – How to talk to your teen about partying

Rebellion – How to address teenage rebellion

School – Tips on how to address problems at school

Stealing – What to do if your teen is stealing

Technology Addiction – What to do if your teen is addicted to technology